Second Chances
by random fanfic writer
Summary: Ever wondered what led to that little glance between Jay and Emma in Mercy Street? Degrassi on TV is only half the story. Let me tell you the other half. Latest update: Chapter 18: Manny during Back in Black.
1. Emma: Second Chance 38 Special

Takes place starting with "Mercy Street," although I changed the episode slightly (only very, very slightly). If I owned Degrassi, this would be how things would go, but I don't – so don't sue me.

I felt a moment of regret after tripping Rick. I was not the type who was mean normally, but Alex made me so mad! Tearing up the check in the hall, suggesting Rick had a crush on me in front of everyone at the Dot. I couldn't help but wince as I tripped Rick and turned to see him looking up at me. 'I'm sorry,' I wanted to say, but I didn't, scared to go back to being alone. That's what unpopularity was, as I learned last year, without Sean, without Manny, without Craig, with my parents busy with chemo and Jack, with JT busy trying to get Manny, with Liberty busy with her boyfriend, with Chris not understanding.

He looked confused, which was soon replaced by anger. I felt myself flinch, despite the crowded restaurant. I knew what Rick was capable of and that look frightened me.

Before Rick could approach come near me however, Jay stepped in. "That's it," he said angrily. "It's on!" Jay pushed Rick out the door in front of him.

I felt a momentary pang of relief, Jay my night in shining armor, before my senses kicked in. Forgetting my earlier fear in the heat of the moment, I got up, my dislike of violence overshadowing everything else.

"Let him go!" I heard my voice shouting following everyone outside.

"You started this, Cause Girl," Alex retorted.

"What are you going to do? Hurt me?" Rick asked Jay.

I watched horrified as Jay removed Rick's glasses. Don't want a repeat of that whole Sean-Jimmy thing, but what do I do? "Number 1, violence is never the answer." He punctuated his sentence with a punch to Rick's mid-section. "Number 2, we don't care." He gestured to the crowd behind him as he removed Rick's glasses from his own nose and deliberately, slowly stepped on them.

I was stunned. Alex was right, I had started this with the stupid ribbon campaign, it was all my fault, but I had thought Rick would go somewhere else. Why didn't he want to start over, somewhere new?

I snapped back to reality in time to see Alex step towards Rick. I may have started this which made it up to me to stop it. I grabbed Alex's forearm putting myself between Alex and Rick.

"Ribbon campaign's over, Emma!" Alex sneered at me.

I pushed Alex away as hard as I can. "So is this!"

Alex glared at me, then over her shoulder at Rick. When she returned her gaze to mine, I could have sworn something else, was it victory? flash across her face as she left.

Jay stared at me in disbelief before his glare intensified. I took a step back, afraid of that look too, before realizing he was looking over my shoulder where Rick was getting to his feet. As I moved, Jay looked at me again and a hurt look replaced the anger, so quickly I wasn't entirely sure it was there right before Jay's face returned to its typical cocky expression as he followed the others.

I started to follow him, looking back at Rick for a quick glance. 'Well, Emma,' I said to myself, 'you've made quite the mess of things.'


	2. Jay: Goody Two Shoes Adam Ant

Thanks for everyone who reviewed Chapter 1, this one is a bit longer!

As always, I don't own Degrassi (I wish). Contains some swearing and references to sex, but nothing you wouldn't hear on TV.

I walked down the street slowly hands deep in my pockets, thinking. Alex invited me over, hinting strongly that her mom was out for the night, but I wasn't feeling it. Banging your girlfriend while thinking of another girl was lower than even I would go.

And try as I might, I could not stop thinking of the prude.

'Damn Cameron,' I thought. It was all his fault. IT had started as a scientific research project, really.

The question: What was it that made his new friend, Sean Cameron, so attracted to Ms. Emma Nelson that they had been on-again/off-again since their first meeting?

Even when they called it quits, Sean was so obsessed with getting back at her he stole from a dying man. That was big.

Research method: Study Emma Nelson closely. Even if I couldn't figure out what it was that attracted Sean, I could do the second best thing and give Sean ammo to fight back.

I began to watch Emma carefully and noticed things about her. How she forgave her best friend when Manny needed her most. How she threw herself fully into everything she did. How she still found time to help others with all the crap she was going through at home. How her eyes still followed Sean even if she was with her new boy toy.

That DJ . . . Now there was a match I just couldn't understand. Him and Emma just didn't fit, had nothing in common, no chemistry and she still had him eating out of her hand. What kind of magic did she have?

It was interesting to watch her goody two shoes image start to crumble before my eyes after Sean left her. That day Alex had come to me after school, bloody nose and black eye from _Emma_?

Maybe the princess wasn't so perfect. Plus Cameron had moved on to the Vampire chick, so why was I still studying Emma? Why did I still provoke her at every opportunity? Sure, she was cute when she was angry, but still . . . She was a scrawny, flat-chested, ugly little thing. And so I had forgotten all about Emma over the summer, except to curse her for taking so much of Sean's time as he worked on Mr. Simpson's car.

Except "was" was the key word in that statement.

_Flashback_

"So, Cameron, any exciting plans on this, the last Saturday of summer?" Jay said, joining Sean at this apartment's cramped kitchen counter.

"No, we can not have another party tonight," Sean said, anticipating Jay's next question, as he retrieved cereal and bowls from a cabinet.

Jay swept his hand across the top of the counter, dumping bottles and half empty cups onto the floor. Sean shot him a look.

"What? I'm helping!" Jay smiled the smile that always made Alex melt. It just seemed to just make Sean sullen.

"Listen, we had the end of summer bash last night and it will take me until Monday to clean this place up even if Ellie comes over to help and even if I didn't have to . . ." Sean trailed off, looking worried. "Damn, what time is it?"

"Almost 11. Why?" Jay answered.

"Mr. Simpson's family gets back from their road trip today. I was supposed to return their keys and do a post-trip, final check of the car," Sean explained.

"And just how much longer are you Simpson's lapdog?" Jay muttered.

Sean ignored him. "I wonder if I have time to shower."

"Want to look your best for your flat-chested tree-hugger?" Jay suggested.

That got Sean's attention, all right. "Her name is Emma!" Sean shouted, then collected himself. "And I'm with Ellie now. Emma's not my anything."

'Right,' Jay thought to himself. 'Maybe I ended operation Nature Girl too soon.'

"Look, Cameron, pull yourself together and wash up. I'll give you a ride and you won't be late for your girl – excuse, me, ex-girlfriend," Jay said adding silently 'and I can see what Emma, I mean nature girl, has been up to this summer.'

When Sean was ready, they both got into Jay's car. "Sooo . . ." Jay began.

"Shove it, Jay," Sean interrupted. "Whatever you're going to say, I'm not in the mood to hear."

"Touchy where the little princess is concerned, aren't we?" Jay remarked. "I was just wondering how you put up with the DJ all the time. That punk would get on my nerves. Although Ms. Green Turtle does that just fine on her own and is just as flat as Mr. GSharpe."

Sean shook his head. "You have no idea," he laughed. "As to your question, 'that punk' hasn't been in the picture since July."

Jay stole a glance at Sean's satisfied smile. No doubt Cameron had something to do with the DJ leaving the picture. Poor little goth girl had no idea that things were going sour. Well, not if Jay could fix it. That stuck-up stick girl was as wrong for Sean as she had been for the DJ and Jay was going to fix it.

He turned onto Degrassi Street and parked.

"Thanks, man," Sean said, grabbing his hood from the back seat.

"What's the rush?" Jay asked, opening his own door. "After all, what kind of a classmate would I be if I didn't volunteer to be on the Emma Nelson Welcome Back Committee?" Jay came around the front of the car and slung his arm over Sean's shoulder.

Sean violently shoved Jay off. "Look, man. This isn't school; it's Emma's home."

"Thanks for the geography lesson, pal," Jay mocked.

"Come if you want, but this is her home. Be nice." Sean stalked away.

"Nice," Jay repeated slowly. "Nice." He raised his voice. "Hey, Sean, that's cruel. I'm always nice!" he shouted approaching the Nelson-Simpson front stoop and pausing mid-step.

Sean hadn't heard him because Sean was talking to someone. Someone whose tiny manicured feet were in impossibly high strappy sandals which led to tan legs that went on and on to the edge of a miniscule skirt. The pink halter top was situated many inches above displaying a wide expanse of flat, tan stomach and showed a surprising amount of cleavage up top. Bangs framed a face that was blocked by long blonde hair till Cameron – who for some unexplainable reason Jay felt like punching at that moment – said something that made that someone smile. Her face looked so different with make-up without braces, that Jay wouldn't have recognized her without that smile. It was the grudging smile that she gave almost unwillingly, only when surprised, he remembered from Operation Spy on Emma. She was, in a word, hot.

Jay did a double, then triple take. It was official. Emma Nelson-Simpson had gotten hot sometime this summer. No wonder it took Sean so long to fix the damn car. And from the looks Emma and Sean were sharing, it was no wonder the DJ was no longer in the picture. And neither would be Ellie if something wasn't done and fast.

'Alex really likes Ellie and can't stand Emma,' Jay rationalized as he thought of a plan. 'The things I do for my girlfriend. I mean, there isn't any other reason to want to keep Emma single, right? Right.'

"Cameron, Cameron, Cameron. Now it all makes sense," Jay said walking up to Sean, once again replacing his arm around Sean's shoulder. Sean gave him a panicked look. Perfect.

Jay looked at Emma and noticed she had retreated into the doorway, clutching the keys Sean had returned to her in one hand and the door in her other, glaring at Jay.

'Even better,' he smirked. 'One more comment should do it.'

"So, Emma, do you open your legs for every bad boy, or is Cameron special?" Jay leered at her. "'Cause Alex doesn't mind sharing."

Sean pushed Jay away roughly as Emma's face made a perfect 'o' of surprise. She darted out of her doorway. "You told him we were having sex!"

Emma made the word _sound_ dirty. It was a good thing her attention was focused on Sean's incoherent protests, because Jay knew if she had seen him doubled over in laughs so hard they were silent, she would have known he was lying.

Emma reached out and slapped Sean, hard. "Truce is over!" she snarled, slamming the door shut.

"Em! Emma! Let me explain!" Sean shouted at the door, but the only response was the sound of the dead bolt locking.

Jay had recovered to the point where he could stand, well, at least stand with the help of the stair rail.

"I hope you're happy," Sean told Jay casting one last furtive glance at the doorway before stalking down the stairs.

"For entertainment value it was only a six. Now, if I could have tempted her to actually accept my proposition . . ." The look in Sean's eyes made Jay stop. He knew when to push Sean and this was definitely not one of those times.

"Listen, dude, you should be thanking me." Jay told Sean.

"THANKING YOU! I worked all summer to get Emma to trust me enough to look at me, let alone talk to me and in the span of about 2 seconds you knocked me right back to last year!" Sean glowered.

"So? You paid off your debt to Simpson, you don't need to see her everyday anymore. You have other friends at school and – what else am I forgetting? Oh, yeah, you HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!" Jay shouted back. "Hello?" He said knocking on Sean's head. "What are you thinking?" 'Other than nature girl has turned into sex on a stick,' he added silently to himself.

Sean just stared out. Jay sat on the hood of his car. "Look, man, I'll give you that Emma isn't as bad as we all make her out to be. It's just fun to give her a hard time." By this point Sean had joined Jay on the hood. "But Ellie needs you. If it wasn't for you, she'd still be cutting. She may even have slit her wrists by now, you know that. You saved her. I know you care about her and for reasons I can't understand she seems to care about you." Sean playfully punched his arm at this. Jay continued, "If you want to give that up to maybe have a third try with a girl who constantly put you behind the cause of the day and picking up litter, go ahead. I wouldn't. Even considering that she is suddenly a total babe."

Sean gave him another quick warning glance before smiling. "You're right, Dr. Phil. You know, you can be quite a girly-man when you put your mind to it, Jay."

"You think about telling anyone about this and I swear you'll be dead before you have a chance," Jay threatened.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Sean waved his hand dismissively. "Take me home."

_End Flashback._

And that had been it. Target Sean's "Night in Shining Armor syndrome" and he'd do whatever you wanted him to do. Even stay away from Emma Nelson.

That didn't explain earlier at the Dot. Alex had finally decided to grace him with her presence. She had gotten pissed at him for shouting out during the assembly, saying it may have cost her the election. What the hell did she want to be president for anyway? Vice-president to the pansy boy was even worse. She was constantly hanging out with people she had despised for years: Spinner, Paige, Jimmy, Hazel, Marco, even Emma Nelson herself. Granted the two of them still fought at every opportunity, but it was mind-blowing to consider they shared friends.

So finally they had time to spend together, hang out like, I don't know, they were dating, maybe. And she wanted to go to the Dot. Whatever. And sure enough, there was Ms. Perfect Nelson with her new friends. Alex sat with her back to her because "the sight of her makes me sick." Which left me to stare at her. I tried not to, I really did.

Alex must have noticed because the next thing she's telling me is how Emma was chatting with Rick, some guy everybody's pissed out. I don't really care. I mean, hitting women is just about the worst thing in my book, but the guy got some help you know. I wouldn't want him alone with my girl, but I know Alex can handle herself.

Emma's another story. She's got this air of invulnerability that is a total façade. And as I had ruined her chances as Cameron's number 1 damsel in distress, I had to look out for her. Otherwise anything that happened would be my fault. Not that I cared about her, mind you, but I didn't want to be responsible for anything to do with beating up on girls.

I must not have given Alex the reaction she was expecting, because when Rick walked in she turned around to the popular kids she supposedly hates and told them Emma was his new crush. Not good news. Rick's less of a threat to those he doesn't know. I mean he almost killed his last girlfriend, which started all this. Emma's new 'friends' acted in typical fashion, shying away from her.

I watched the emotions play out on her face. She was having second thoughts about this whole ribbon thing, I could tell. Cameron had told me that he and Ellie had given her crap about it and I know she still thought highly of his opinion, despite evidence to the contrary. She also didn't want to lose her new friends. It was cute how she left everything out there, waiting to be read on her face.

So I saw the regret when she had when she made a choice and tripped Rick. And I also saw the fear as he looked up at her. I paused for a minute, in shock, I think. Despite the fight last year with Alex, I didn't think she had it in her. As soon as I saw the fear in her eyes from Rick's gaze my mind was made up and I was dragging him outside.

And Emma was trying to stop me. Didn't she get that I was doing this for her? I mean, I was trying to make the school safer for everyone, but it was Emma that made it all click into place. Therapy hadn't helped the psycho.

After it was over, and Alex went back inside, I stayed behind just a moment, to let Rick know what the consequences would be if he were to hurt Emma in any way. But she wouldn't leave him. Worse when she looked at me she flinched. Emma Nelson was afraid of me. I was protecting her and she was afraid of me. I moved away, disgusted. Not that I would let her see that.

I don't know. I didn't expect a parade or for her to fall into my arms, "Thank you Jay! You saved me" but some acknowledgement would have been nice. Instead I got fear. The emotion I was trying to protect her from.

Not that I cared. After all, it was only Emma Nelson, the Goody Two Shoes.


	3. Alex: I Know Something's Going On Frida

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, it was really inspiring! In case you couldn't tell already, this is my first fan fiction. Enjoy!

Oh and I don't own Degrassi or any characters from there.

P.S. Swear words below! (Sorry, I just can't imagine Alex or Jay, _not_ swearing).

The bitch was stealing my man. Not that she meant too. No, that would be too hypocritical for Emma Nelson who had dropped Manny like a hot potato when she went after Craig who was dating Ashley. I mean, yeah, they made up when Manny was pregnant, but the initial slut comment was all you needed to know about Emma's feelings.

God, I sound like freakin' gossip queen Paige! Damn girl.

The worst part about it was she didn't even want Jay. Barely noticed his presence except to scoff at him in between staring at Sean. She didn't realize that one smile and my boyfriend would be eating out of her hand. I guess that's why I went out of my way to push her. To shake her out of her perfect little world. To get back at her for taking the only good part of my world.

It is also why Ellie and I got along so well. The punk girl and I didn't really seem to fit at first glance till you realized we were both at the mercy of Emma Nelson. I mean, at first, Sean really didn't want to speak to Emma, but that was just cause he was hurt. Seeing her day after day got to him this summer and Ellie didn't even know it.

I did though. Cause I had seen it happening to Jay, too.

He could swear to me up and down that he was only helping Sean get back at her. Or whatever lie he had told himself. But I knew.

He was different in the summer, away from her bewitching presence. But as soon as summer ended it was worse than ever. I guess Ms. PETA had finally found make-up that didn't test on animals or something.

We weren't so different she and I. Both of us stood up for what we believed in, although I did it with my fists and she did it with her words. Both of us grew up without fathers. Both of us had only a small circle of friends, although mine robbed stuff and hers studied stuff. Great, now I'm comparing Towerz to TOBY ISAACS! Whatever. Both of us acted like we were better than the world, me with my sarcasm, her with her perfection. I just was better at keeping up the act.

Maybe it was the cracks that attracted Jay to her. So I tried cracking my armor a little bit. If Ms. Priss could get a little detention, I could get a little school spirit, right? Except the whole election thing blew up in my face. In the end, it was nice to have someone believe in me, even if it was the queer.

So I changed tactics. Rick was the perfect opportunity. Not that I didn't hate him as much as anybody else. I had heard too many tears and things breaking to not want any guy who so much as raised a hand to a woman to be punished. But why waste such a golden chance as when I caught her feeling sorry for him. She was caving.

So I told Jay, knowing he disliked the violence against women thing as much as I. We have similar backgrounds him and me. Except my mom put my dad in jail, his mom still stands up for Daddy Dearest. Emma befriending Rick would make him see that the girl was not worth his time.

Except I hadn't counted on two things. One, Jay has a thing for damsels in distress that is worse than even Cameron's. When we first met, I was a mess and Emma was perfect and strong. Now Emma's become that mess and I can take care of myself.

Two, Emma is gullable. While I, and other people in their right minds, find her tendency to find the best in people annoying to say the least, bad boys like Sean and Jay love that about her. That she will see the best in them even if others in her world can't.

I just can't compete with that.

And so my comments about Rick's crush were designed not for Jay, but for Paige and her cronies. If Emma is taking Jay from me, I'll make sure she's alone, too.

Until Jay stepped into his shining armor. Emma actually tried to stop him. Didn't the idiot realize he was protecting her?

And as she fought me away from Rick, I had a moment of supreme triumph. Emma is on one side, with the psycho, Jay is on my side with the sane folks.

Now, flipping through channels, home all alone, I realized my biggest mistake. Jay's mom wouldn't let Jay stand up for her either. No matter how badly his dad hurts her, is mom stays by his dad's side. Just like Emma protecting Rick.

And if there is one person in the world who Jay loves its his mom.

So in spite of all are similarities, I was losing Jay to our one difference. And the bitch didn't even want him.

A/N: Again, sorry for the harsh language and the slur on Marco, but I think this is an honest portrayal of Alex's thoughts, not mine! Let me know what you think.


	4. Sean: Never Say Goodbye Bon Jovi

_A/N: Just a short little chapter till I can type up the next. And if you like this story, please forgive my blatant plug for my other story, "Adventures in Babysitting." It's a different pairing and a different format, but I hope you all at least check it out and let me know what you think – thanks!_

I walked through the school, my arm around Ellie. Emma was sitting on a ledge talking to Rick near the entrance. Unconsciously my arm tightened around El and my fists clenched.

Alex had told me about what had happened outside the Dot. Emma could have gotten seriously hurt, stepping into a fight like that; she should know better from experience, unfortunately for me. Jay hadn't wanted to talk about it, but I knew there was more to the story than he was letting on. Appearances to the side, Jay wasn't the kind to pick a fight without a good reason. And if that reason was Rick harassing Emma, well, then Jay wouldn't be alone in the Rick beat down next time.

"What's the matter?" Ellie asked, noticing my gaze. "Oh, I guess you were right."

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"Well, last week when I gave Emma and Paige a hard time, you know, with the 'such heroes' comment," Ellie reminded him. "You told me it was odd. That you know Emma and she usually gives people the benefit of the doubt."

I shifted back and forth uncomfortably. I had really become passionate in my defense of Emma, but it was only because I knew her to be better than that. Really. No other reason. Jay had set me straight on any other thoughts I might have had on that matter.

"Well, before the high school closed, when Degrassi was just a middle school, when I got held back, Emma was the only one who got to know me. Without judging me immediately. Even when she found out about the stuff that went down at home, she didn't act any differently," I explained again. "She's big on second chances."

"What did happen in Wasaga Beach, Sean?" Ellie asked. "You never talk about home, you just clam up."

I turned my head. Talking about it was just too much. I had never told anyone about the reason I left. Well, except Emma. Jay knew because he had friends in WB, but other than that, Emma was the only one. It was just easy to talk to her, even about stuff that I didn't want to talk about.

"Listen, can we not do this, here. In front of the school. Homeroom is in ten minutes," I asked her.

"Fine," Ellie started snapping the band at her wrist. Damn, I had done it again.

I placed my hand over her wrist. "Listen, El. You know that care about you. I just have a lot unresolved when it comes to home." I gave her my special smile. "When I have it all figured out you will be the first one to know."

She looked over my shoulder to stare at Emma. Perhaps she wasn't as clueless as Jay and Alex thought. "Promise?" She asked, looking up at me.

"Pinkie swear," I promised, using our interlocked fingers to bring her towards me for a kiss. As I pulled away I noticed Emma and Rick were both gone. 'Sometimes I wish you weren't so big on second chances, Em,' I thought. 'Take care of yourself, cause I've got my hands full.'


	5. Emma: Alone Heart

**Just a note to start . . . while I did take most of the actions from Mercy Street, this is a fictional account of the actions and thoughts that may have happened off screen. While it's flattering to think that I write well enough that you can't tell the difference between my made up stuff and the real show, I'm sorry if I confused anyone. This is just my attempt to flesh things out. Of course, if I owned Degrassi, I wouldn't have to make this statement – I don't.**

**One more plug: Check out Adventures in Baby-sitting my other story. It's Emma/Craig, but give it a chance.**

**And now, on with the show:**

Well, that had been a short lived experiment in popularity, I thought to myself lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I was back to being alone. Well, alone if you didn't count Toby's recent re-interest in me. I thought he had gotten over that crush in Grade 7. With JT finally hooking up with Manny, although that had been short, Toby must have decided to try again. At least with Manny ignoring JT, I could talk to him, too. I wasn't completely alone.

Manny and Liberty were still angry with me over the Chris thing. I didn't mean to hurt Liberty, honest, although she had been only a fall back friend for both Manny and me since, well, since we met. Harsh, but true. As soon as Manny and I made up she would be a third wheel again. At least I was honest about it.

Although I'm not sure that Manny and I _would_ make up this time. Manny should know what unpopularity was like. When the school found out about her and Craig, everyone shunned her, including, I'm ashamed to admit, me. I had vowed this summer, with my Dad healthy again, with Mom less stressed, with my new haircut and finally money to buy a new waredrobe now that medical bills had gone down, with lots of retail therapy involved, that I would never be as lonely again as I was last year. And if Liberty was the price, so be it. Not cruel – survival.

Same with Rick. I didn't know him like I knew Liberty, so it was even easier to sacrifice his happiness. After being so wrong about Sean, I was less willing to forgive and forget.

This summer, when Sean had proposed a truce, I didn't want to hear at first. I was still hurt from all the times he hadn't wanted to listen. And I had been right about the laptop.

But if Snake could forgive Sean, then so should I, right? And look how well my last "get back at Sean" plan had worked. Sure he had gotten detention, but that had led him right to Ellie. Not that that bothered me or anything.

When Jay told me that Sean was spreading rumors that we were sleeping together, I snapped. Even though she was my oldest friend, I did not want my reputation at school to be the same as Manuela Santos. My look was all about me being happy, being Emma again, not the crazy girl from last year who cried at everything. A girl who didn't back down from anything in her way. A girl that cared about people and the environment. A girl that wouldn't be taken advantage of again.

And so I helped Paige. I mean, either way, someone was going to be hurt, Paige or Rick and it was easy to side with Paige. I remember that day in Grade 7 when she lent me, well, you know.

"You'll get breasts now," she had told me.

Mine were a little slow, but they arrived. And I learned Paige wasn't the monster she had seemed before that day, if you ignored that whole starting the spirit squad incident.

Except somewhere along the way I realized that the Emma I was trying to get back to would have stood up to Paige, even if I was alone. Even if everyone thought I was being stubborn and stupid and wrong, like with the TV programs in homeroom or the GM foods in the caf. Even if I didn't have Sean to back me up, like he had with my panther dance and so many other times. I was on the wrong side of things. Although giving second chances had gotten me hurt in the past, I hurt myself more when I didn't forgive.

Like Gandhi said. Like Rick had quoted. I was stronger than this. Liberty might be too stubborn to forgive me, but with Rick, I might still have a chance.

It came down to a choice. Be like Manny and use my new look to get attention or be myself and stand up for what I knew was right. And in that split second at the Dot, I made the wrong choice and tripped Rick.

Everyone knew what happened after that. I got a second chance in standing up to Alex in the alleyway and this time I got it right.

And now I was home alone, while JT and Toby had a boys' night with Danny, which was beyond weird, I mean, what was he, like 12, while Liberty and Manny were watching movies and painting toenails, while Spinner and Paige cleaned up the Dot together with Hazel and Jimmy waiting outside to double date, while the rest of Degrassi celebrated Sean and Ellie's housewarming party.

I felt suddenly sick. Mom came to the door. "Emma! Emma, come quick!"

My sick feeling intensified as I ran upstairs, panicked. "What? Mom, what is it? Is Dad okay? Is it Shane? Or Jack?"

Mom grabbed my shoulders, steering me into the living room. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry to panic you. Everyone's fine. There's just something you have to see."

Snake was in the corner of the room, his video camera trained on my brother. When he saw me he shouted "Ma!" his word for Emma, then "Momma" for, well, you know, Mom. He was so smart, that even though the sounds were close, you could always tell what he was saying.

As he said my name, he started towards me. "Mom! Jack's walking!" I kneeled down as he fell into my arms. Snake turned off the video camera and put his arm around Mom.

"I told you she wouldn't mind the interruption," he said, kissing the top of Mom's head. His hair was growing back – well, as much as it could as he was still balding.

I was almost crying. No matter how alone I felt at school this year, I had my family back and that was all that mattered.

A/N I hope you liked it, but let me know whether you did or not!


	6. Jay: Don't Do Me Like That Tom Petty an...

**I don't own Degrassi. I wish. Hope you like this chapter.**

"Damn, Cameron," I said as we entered school. "When I told you to take care of the girl I didn't mean for you guys to move in together. Plus, the ferret freaks me out."

Sean looked around in an imitation of a bad spy movie. He leaned in close to me. "It really freaks me out, too," he whispered. "But you were right about Ellie. She needs me. I mean, she could have died in that fire." Sean got that far away look in his eye and I bit my tongue so that I didn't remind him that from all accounts, Ellie herself had spread the fire. Inadvertantly, yes, but it wasn't a frickin' explosion. It was a kitchen fire. I just reminded myself that Ellie was good for Sean. She was good for him because . . . she . . . well, she . . . okay, so I didn't know why they were together, but they seemed happy. Sort of. As happy as Ellie seemed to get, anyway. Ellie accepted him. And she wasn't Emma.

"And she always has time for me," Sean continued.

'Cause she has no life,' I added silently. 'And she frickin' lives with you . . .'

I noticed Emma out of the corner of my eye, coming up the steps. Damn, but that girl looked good this year.

Sean seemed to sense my attention was not wholly on the all important topic of Ellie's perfection. I rolled my eyes. I mean, if I hadn't taken a morning off to drive over to the Nelson-Simpson residence and be purposefully crude, we both know he would have tried to trade Ellie in by now, but he was suddenly acting like they were destined soul mates.

Moron.

"Hey, Cameron, I'll catch up with you later." Sean started to hesitate, so I added, "I'm planning on kidnapping our esteemed student council Vice President after morning announcements and having my way with her," with a leer.

Sean shot me a smug smile and turned to go. "Later, man," he called over his back shoulder.

When I had moved closer to the office, out of the rush of the front doors, Emma was disappearing down a corridor, Toby and Rick trailing behind her. Interesting.

I could only catch bits of their conversation, but it was enough to hear Rick's wager of dice for something, although I couldn't hear what was the objective. Who has their "eye on" dice anyway?

I risked edging closer, openly curious now. Rick and Toby in a dare contest? It had serious pay-back material potential. If only I knew what they were daring each other to do.

"Narrow it down to Emma and we're on," I heard Toby say. The boys shook on it.

Narrow what down to Emma? I tried to tell myself that it was probably some geeky code thing, but what if Rick and Toby were after Emma Nelson in a less innocent fashion. Well, not if I had anything to say about it. I started to follow them when someone grabbed my arm.

"Raditch is on the war path after the ribbon stuff," Alex warned, spinning me around. "What are you doing just hanging out by the office? Don't start anything; I don't want to risk this position. Besides, how obvious can you get? Do you enjoy detention?"

I shook my head. "I'm up to nothing. Nothing at all. I just wanted to see my girl. Forget it, obviously a waste of time." You pretend to try and do something nice to lose your best friend who's annoying you and it all blows up on you. Who'd a thunk? "I got to get to class," I told her turning.

I started to walk down the hall to my first period classroom, when Alex grabbed me again and, spinning me, gave me a long hard kiss. HELLO! Wow. I'll have to loiter around the office more often.

"Something to think about during first period," she whispered to me. "Now scram! I have official DCS business to attend to.

She turned and shut the office door sharply. Well, that was a quick change. Maybe things were looking up again for Alex and me. Maybe we could work things out. Maybe . . .

I turned around to find Emma staring at me, frozen in place. I quickly looked through the window into the office and Alex winked at me.

"How long exactly have you been standing there?" I asked more rudely than I intended.

"Look, I wasn't planning on witnessing the first scene of your X-rated movie, okay," Emma started. So, that kiss had looked as hot as it felt. Nice. I mean, dammit, my girlfriend's playing games with me. "Excuse me, but I have to get by," she said trying to get around me, eyes on the ground.

"Wait." I commanded, concentrating on changing my tone.

"What?" Emma looked up at me, curious.

Looking into her eyes, I almost forgot what I was going to say. They were guarded, shields up high.

"I wanted to warn you about Toby and . . ." I started, but she interrupted me.

"_YOU_ wanted to warn _ME_ about _TOBY_? A person who has gone out of his way to make me miserable for the last year wants to warn me about one of my best friends?" Emma looked at me incredulous. "You're a real piece of work," she said, reaching for the door. "But I don't have time for this. Announcements are about to begin," she mumbled, stumbling through the door.

Damn it, that girl was too stubborn for her own good. Watching her talk to Alex through the window, I realized maybe stubborn was my type.

Moments ago, all I could think about was how lucky I had been to have such a hot girlfriend. Now I just felt sick. Alex hadn't kissed me like that because she wanted me. She had kissed me because she had seen Emma over my shoulder. My own girlfriend was using me in her stupid rivalry. Granted, I felt a little guilty about my recent thoughts toward Ms. Nelson, but Alex still came first for me. Emma was just . . . well, I don't know what she was, but she wasn't my girlfriend. Apparently, though, Alex thought she knew my feelings toward Nature Chick, making me a pawn in some twisted game. What was worse, Alex would probably make Emma's life even more hellish now that she knew. . . what exactly? She knew that there was something between Emma and me and truth be told, Alex probably understood better than I did. She definitely understood better than Emma herself what was going on in my head.

I had to fix this, and quick, I realized as I entered my first period class. Neither Emma nor Alex deserved this situation. The only questions were left to me. What did I want and how could I get it.

"So nice of you to join us," Mr. Armstrong commented. "Have a seat. We'll talk after class."

The day passed in a blur. I was mad at Rick and Toby for whatever they were planning, mad at Alex for setting me up, mad at Emma for being Emma, mad at myself for caring. I went to lunch looking for Sean. Maybe the two of us could take off and blow off some steam.

I scanned the cafeteria, quickly spotting Sean, but he wasn't alone. He was sitting with Ellie. Be careful what you wish for, right? I headed over, anyway, just in time to see Ellie reach over and feed Sean what looked like fruit.

I thought I would throw up on the spot. Not even sugar sweet head cheerleader/star soccer player couple Spinner/Paige honeybugs did that. Ewwwwwwww. Say it again with me. Ewwwwwwwww.

I had no other options in terms of companionship, however, so I approached the two.

"Hey, Cameron, break your arms?" I asked, knocking into him from behind.

"Cut it out, clumsy," Sean retorted. Then he turned back to his girlfriend in the sugary sweet voice they had created after moving in together, "Are you okay, El? You didn't spill or anything?"

Okay, now I was officially going to be sick. It was fruit juice, not frickin' hydrochloric acid. She'd be fine! "Listen, man, let's blow off the afternoon and go shoot some pool," I suggested to Sean.

Ellie shot me a dirty look. "Sean, don't you have M.I. this afternoon?" she asked pointedly.

"Yeah, that's right. Sorry, man, I can't skip on Simpson after everything that went down," Sean told me, but his eyes didn't leave Ellie's face. He didn't turn to face me until she smiled at me. Like a trained monkey or something. "No can do."

"You are so whipped," I muttered, shaking my head. "Get back to me when you grow some balls."

I grabbed my bag and stormed out. Alex caught my eye, but I looked away. If there was one thing I had learned to do at home it was to walk away when angry at those you care about or face terrible consequences. Of course, if I walked away in every situation my behavior problems would be miraculously solved. Though, somehow I doubted Raditch would accept "I left because I didn't want to bash someone's head in" as an excuse for cutting today.

Like I freakin' care.


	7. Toby: Kiss On My List Hall and Oates

**Toby's turn with massive Islands in the Stream spoilers. As always, check out the 80's song at the beginning. Your kiss is on my list – perfect!**

**Not that I'm begging, but I would appreciate any and all comments . . . they can only help me improve.**

**As always I don't own Degrassi. **

Emma Nelson. She was perfect, in that attainable, girl-next-door kind of way. I remember the first day I saw her, the weekend before starting Grade 7 at a new school. Nothing made sense, with my dad moving in with his girlfriend and her daughter, perfect princess Ashley. Granted, I hadn't many friends at my old school, but I had started the programmers club and I wanted to see it through. Well, I wanted to see it have more than four members at least. Instead, it was down to three.

I saw Emma first, so tall I thought that she was off to the high school at first. Her friend was cute too, but in that cuddly way really little girls are. If you saw Manuela Santos then and now . . . wow. And there was this lucky guy with two girls all to himself. Imagine my surprise when I found out it was JT, my friend from summer camp.

But Emma was totally in love with this on-line guy, Jordan. When Jordan turned out to be a thirty something year old pervert who wanted to make a porn film with Emma as the star, who hacked into her e-mail account and told her mom and Mr. Simpson to save the day? Me, that's who.

When the scare wore off, I was on cloud nine. Emma would see me the next day and rush to thank me and our embrace would turn into something more. A romance legend would be born.

That legendary romance happened the next day alright. When Mr. Simpson asked Sean Cameron to have a seat next to Emma Nelson, well, it's the stuff dreams were made of, or so I've been told. No matter how often I helped her research sea turtles or danced as a panther or held her as she cried, it always came back to Sean Hope Cameron.

I found happiness for a while with Kendra, who was awesome, don't get me wrong. We could talk about anime for hours or play an amazing game of chess. And I even stood up to her brother once, for about ten seconds before I freaked out. But she wasn't Emma.

This year would be the year. Emma was single, I was single, Sean was _living_ with Ellie. It was perfect. I mean, JT and Manny finally went out, if that wasn't a sign, I don't know what would be.

The first few weeks I barely saw Emma outside of class, let alone spoke to her. She had gotten into some fight with Manny and Liberty; I'm not sure what about. JT was having troubles of his own and so I was preoccupied trying to help him as best I could. Plus, Em had gotten popular all of a sudden and I remembered all too well JT's talk about how I was his friend and Paige was his friend but Paige and I would never be friends. No need to repeat that speech with the love of my Grade 10 life.

But just as suddenly it ended. Emma's new found popularity disappeared and JT and Manny broke up. JT was all moody and didn't talk to anyone for a while. So Emma and I talked. A lot.

I didn't even try to find a trivia partner ahead of time. I knew Emma was looking forward to working with me as much as I was working with her. So when she told me she was working with Heather Sinclair of all people . . .

Rick turned to me and, with Mr. Simpson's intervention, we struck up a friendship. People have said some awful things about him and I know that what happened to Terri was horrible, but people change. I mean, look at JT. Look at Manny. Look at Emma. Look at Sean.

So I decided to give him a chance. Lord knows I could use a friend right now and he had Heather ahead of Emma on his list, which was a good thing as far as I was concerned. Although his list wasn't very practical. Seriously, Ms. Hot Sauce?

The bet seemed so ridiculous at the time, this morning. I had just complemented Emma and been very neatly shot down, even mocked by JT. And here Rick was proposing that we should race to kiss a girl on the list. The idea of either of us getting a kiss from Emma in our lifetimes let alone by the end of the day . . . It was so stupid, so juvenile, so perfect. Narrowing it down to Emma made survival sense, sure, as Jimmy or Sean could beat me within an inch of my life without breaking a sweat. But it was also the perfect plan. I could let Emma know how I felt without risking anything, after all it was only a dare, right?

As the clock inched toward the end of the day I had one last chance and I took it, although not without a lot of waffling before hand.

"Uh, standing up for Rick like you did...I've decided to follow your lead," I started.

"What do you want Toby?" I could tell she was annoyed, but I couldn't stop now, class was almost over and with it my golden opportunity.

"We've got this game going, it's kind of scavenger hunt-ish." I dropped my voice to a whisper. "If I get a kiss I win!" I chanced. If only I could have seen the future I wouldn't have asked Emma to kiss me. Okay, I would have still asked her to kiss me, but I would have controlled my celebration better, so that she didn't immediately turn and kiss Rick, too. I had lost the contest, but more importantly, the whole point was to get Emma to kiss me!

So when Rick suggested a new challenge the next day, I was all too ready. For some reason, my competitiveness came out, in a bad way, like when I tried wrestling. I would beat Rick. It was personal, now.

The next morning began with me as a passive observer. I watched in horror as Jay slammed Rick into the lockers as if it was nothing.

"You okay?" I asked offering Rick a hand. I mean, yeah, bullying at Degrassi was nothing new, but it had never seemed so . . . I don't know, commonplace as it did with Rick.

He brushed it off as easily as he brushed off his clothes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why wouldn't I be? So uh yesterday's challenge was far too easy. We're gonna have to go for quantity not quality today."

"Okay," I replied, unsure. I was still upset that Emma kissed Rick with so little effort yesterday, but I was determined to win now.

Rick continued, unaware of my hesitation. "Alright so new day, new challenge. Whoever gets the most girls to kiss them before the end of the day wins. Loser buys the dice. I've uh made up some charts and stuff. You know. Age, location..."

I interrupted, "Sure that's a good idea?" I felt a little bad about my plan. I mean charts? Rick didn't stand a chance. Strategy was what was needed and if Rooks and Knights had taught me anything, it was strategy. Well, that and the knowledge that girls don't really dig chess champions.

"Sure you're not a big wuss?" Rick taunted. Any pity I felt for Rick went out the window. It was on!

"Okay, but you're gonna have to be good!" I warned him. I noticed Manny walking towards us and had a flash of genius, which, I have to admit, is a common occurrence with me.

I slammed my arm into the locker, as Manny came into view. "Ahh oohh! Ow!" I moaned loudly.

As predicted, Manny stopped. "Toby what's wrong?"

"I banged my arm! It hurts!" I whined using puppy dog eyes.

"Aw poor baby! Is there anything that I can do to help?" She asked, concerned.

I lifted my elbow towards her and she kissed it quickly. This would be a breeze. 'Eat your heart out, JT,' I thought.

Throughout the day, I came up with plan after plan, from volunteering to fill in for the CPR dummy I had stolen to my fundraiser for sick kitties. Is there even a charity for sick cats? I'd worry about the morality aspect after I won. I walked towards the door intent on some well-earned bragging, but my smile faded as I saw Rick ripping up his list. I felt more than a bit guilty. After all, it wasn't his fault I had reacted poorly to Emma's kiss. In fact, with everything that he had to go through, like Jay this morning, I should be more supportive. I had my share of bullied moments, but it was nothing in comparison to what Rick dealt with every single day.

As lunch started, I grabbed a girl from Grade Nine that Manny had introduced me to at the spirit squad. "Hey, it's Darcy, right?" I asked stopping her as she started up the stairs.

"You're, Tony, Mandy's friend, right?" She asked.

"It's Toby, and Manny, actually, but yeah," I corrected her.

She blushed. "Sorry, I'm not good with names. Which is especially hard when you're the new kid."

"Don't even worry about. Look I have a favor to ask," I explained to her about Rick and my, umm, contest and the results up till this point.

"This friend of yours...he's really losing that bad?" Darcy looked incredulous. I wasn't sure, but I think her shock had more to do with me getting 11 kisses by lunch time than Rick not getting any.

"I thought he was gonna cry." Okay, not entirely true, but why start with the truth now? "Oh! Here he comes." I indicated with a nod where Rick was looking at a bulletin board on the staircase.

"Poor guy!" Darcy said in the voice that girls reserve for cute babies and puppies.

"Yeah, yeah. Poor guy," I said. I almost had her, but she hadn't agreed yet.

"He's the one they keep pushing into lockers. Why does everyone around here hate him so much?" Darcy asked.

'Umm, quick, change the subject, Toby,' I thought wildly. I didn't think Darcy would be too keen to kiss a guy who put his only girlfriend in the hospital.

"So will uh $5 change your mind?" I asked, thinking quickly.

"Yeah," she said her eyes lighting up. Awww, grade 9, back when things were so simple.

I ignored the voice telling me that had been only last year and walked over to the pay phone, pretending to make a phone call, but really eavesdropping. I didn't want Rick to realize it was an organized pity party. That would defeat the point.

"Where'd you get your glasses?" Darcy started. Seriously, is that best you could come up with? I sighed. Well, no one said that the girl was particularly bright.

"Um the optometrist..." Rick sounded confused, which was understandable.

"I like 'em!" Well, what she lacked in brains, she was making up for in enthusiasm.

"Um . . . my friend and me...we have this game going." Yes! Rick was going for it.

"Anything I can do to help you win?" Darcy asked. As if she didn't know.

"A kiss. It doesn't have to be on the lips, it doesn't even have to be on the-" Rick stopped talking which I could only assume meant success. After waiting a few moments, so as not to arouse suspicion, I ended my phone "conversation" and approached Rick to go to lunch.

To keep the ruse up I didn't mention the kiss contest until the next morning, when I took the opportunity to brag a little. I mean, I had helped him save face; now I could afford to rub my victory in a little bit.

"My eleven kisses to your one! You know I attribute my success to my silky chic," I remarked confidently as Rick handed me the dice.

"You are the victor; I accept that. But none of your kisses are even close to the one I got," he said with a dreamy look in his eyes.

"And you still won't tell me who!" I exclaimed with a smile. Like I didn't know.

"Let's say in this case it's about quality, not quantity. This has given me all the confidence I need," he remarked starting to walk off.

"To what?" I asked. He sounded a bit ominous and for the first time in a while I was reminded of Rick's not-so-innocent past.

I never got an answer however, as Jay Hobart approached and Rick scurried off. I flashed back to my first run-in with Jay when he stole my admittedly dorky looking school pictures. Sean had stood up to Jay then, but nowadays he was more likely to be helping Jay than standing up to him.

Jay stopped in front of my locker and lounged, one hand above his arm, like in an ad campaign or something. I tensed. Jay didn't just chat with nerds. He stole their lunch money and stuff.

So I was unprepared for his words. "Survival instinct has the oldest and strongest member of the pack protecting the young and the weak," he lectured seemingly innocent.

My survival instinct was sending off huge alarm bells in my head. 'Run, Toby, run,' it was screaming. Instead, I tried reason. Stupid, stupid me. "I'm weak. I'm practically feeble."

Jay grabbed me roughly, "Yeah well, word's out that a 9er's getting stalked by a certain psycho."

How did he know? Rick hadn't even told me, so I'm pretty sure he wasn't bragging. And Darcy didn't even know Jay. I mean, Jayson Hobart left an impression. I'm sure his name she'd remember. Not to mention he never went out on a limb to protect anyone. I'm not even sure he'd stick up for his girlfriend if it was a choice between saving his own skin and hers.

"Look. Rick's my friend! I was just trying to save him from humiliation." And then suddenly I was inside my own locker and Jay had closed the door.

"Jay, Come on man! Let me out! Come on!" I pleaded, banging against the door. So much for a neat and orderly locker, right?

"Well, too bad he's not here to save you now!" Jay taunted. Okay, I wasn't the most insightful person around, but there was no way that this was just about Darcy from Grade 9. Right now, though I had bigger problems. I pounded on the door again and again. Before I gave up all hope and rested my forehead against the door. Well, someone should find me before I starved. And it was a well known fact that the human body loses two to three quarts of water a day, which means at my body wait I could last approximately. . .

Finally, I heard a voice I recognized cutting through my thoughts. "He's not here either," Emma remarked from somewhere near by. She was looking for me!

I pounded on my locker harder than ever. "EMMA! LET ME OUT!"

"Toby?" her voice sounded incredulous. "What are you doing inside your locker?"

"Can we focus on getting me out and talk about the why later?" I asked exasperated.

I swear I could hear her rolling her eyes through the locker door. "You better be nice to me," she threatened with a laugh. "What's your combination, Tobes?"

I did so love when she used a special nickname for me. sigh Oh, right. "Umm . . . it's 16, 24, 8!"

"16 . . . 24 . . ." I heard the dial turning. "Will you promise to be nice to me?" Emma taunted.

"EMMA!" I shouted.

"Fine, fine," she grumbled finally opening the locker with a click. I fell onto the ground at her feet, gasping. Okay, so maybe my plan to impress Emma this year was not exactly working out as planned.

"Toby, what happened?" Emma asked helping me up.

"Jay happened," I muttered. Emma froze at the name. "Em, are you all right?" She nodded, but I knew her so well, she couldn't even lie with her gestures. "If he's been harassing you at all, I . . . well, I'll . . . well, I can't do much, but you know I'd do anything I can to stop him."

Emma gave me a wry smile. "I appreciate the offer, Toby." Her voice then got soft. "No, Jay didn't do anything to me that I didn't deserve."

Which means he had done something! "Emma, I swear, if Jay hurt you, talk to Sean. I know he thinks he's too cool for school or whatever, but I know he still cares for you," I started. The last thing I wanted to do was push Emma and Sean together, but I cared about Emma so much that I didn't want her to get hurt more than I wanted her with me. Physically I would never measure up to Sean Cameron or Jay Hobart and I knew it. "He would do anything. . ."

But Emma stopped me, waving my worries away with a dismissive hand gesture. "Can we not talk about Sean?" I winced at the hurt in her voice and remembered that sometimes physical pain is a rather minor thing.

"Sorry," I said, really meaning it.

"Look, you stay away from Jay, okay? He might not be the devil incarnate, but he does have some anger issues," she said.

"You don't say?" I remarked dryly. Obviously there was something Emma wasn't telling me. "I agree if you agree to do the same," I said holding my pinky out to her.

Taking my pinky with her own, Emma finally gave me a smile. "Deal," she said shaking pinkies.

I didn't know what had happened with Emma and Jay, but I would do whatever I could to keep them apart. Even if I got stuffed in a locker everyday from here on out. I would do my best to protect Emma. Although, as it turns out, I was protecting her from the wrong guy.


	8. Sean: If You Don't Know Me By Now Simpl...

**Just a reminder, in case you were confused. I don't own Degrassi. There. Now on to the story.**

**P.S. Rated for swearing, so this is your warning.**

_  
_I am living with a horrible secret. If Jay or Alex or anyone were to find out, my rep would be ruined forever. But I just can't hide my inner feelings. I, Sean Cameron, am a science nerd.

Now, please, don't laugh. The idea of me and anything academic must seem at first ridiculous, but I love how logical science is. It's like cars, just a little trickier. See if your car won't start, you check certain things in order, till you find what's wrong. It's sorta the same thing with science, especially chemistry. If you had one chemical and a mystery person added one and the thing exploded, you could go back and figure out what had been added based on color, sound, odor, and other clues. It was so much easier to read the reactions of chemicals and carburetors, then, say people.

Take Jay for instance. This morning, he started off as my laid back, nothing doing best friend I always see. Then whammo! Out of nowhere, he's all agitated, making up some story about wanting to surprise Alex. I know they've had some trouble with her little Miss Suzy Spirit routine lately, but I've never seen him so nervous and weirded out about hanging with her. Then, the next time I see him, he's pissed off at the world. Granted, I wouldn't ditch to go play with him, I made some excuse about Simpson's MI class, but in reality, I didn't want to miss this experiment we had in chem.

Yeah, I know, not the Sean Cameron that you think you know, right? I'm just full of surprises. Nobody's ever bothered to figure out the real me, except for Emma once upon a time. I mean, Ellie accepts me as I am, but she doesn't really question me about it. She just takes whatever happens in stride, which is cool. And Jay has always assumed I'm just like him, which I am in some ways, but not in all. I mean, I'm not into the whole party scene the way he is. It's hard to enjoy Jay's type of party when you've seen what alcohol has done to your parents, to Ellie's mom, to me back in Grade 8.

Then there were the others. Back in Grade 7, Jimmy thought I was after him all the time, after his spot on the basketball team, thought I drugged his girlfriend. Craig dropped me like a hot potato after he heard what everyone said about me. Emma was the only one who asked me to explain my reasons behind why I chose an animal to research, why I stressed out so easily, why I did anything. At the time it annoyed me, but now, I just wish someone cared enough to look deeper at what was going on in my life.

Whatever. You'd think I was on frickin' Oprah or something. You make choices, you live with them. There's no going back.

So anyways, about Jay. He was definitely acting weird. I mean, I would know if he had fought with Alex, because she would have been all sweet on me and Towerz at any chance. She flirts when she's angry with Jay. But Alex just blew me off too.

Then there's Ellie. I love her, I really do, but this living together thing is . . . interesting. Just stuff, like it's hard to have a poster of Lindsay Lohan on your bedroom wall when your girlfriend is sleeping in your bed and you're on the couch. Or the fact that I now have tampons in my bathroom. Ewww. . .

And Ellie's so desperate to please that when I do something I know annoys her, like leave my dirty socks on the floor or drink milk out of the carton or just cut off the moldy part of the bread and eat the rest, she just turns and bites her lip or snaps her damn rubber band. It's like she's afraid that I won't love her or I'll leave her or kick her out or something. It makes me want to drive up and kick her mom's ass. Or tell her Dad the point of frickin' homeland security.

But most of all I hate that it annoys me. I hate it when I want to tell her to grow up and grow a backbone, even if it's only telling me she doesn't like pizza with pepperonis, rather than picking them off when she thinks I'm not looking. There's another thing I never had to worry about with Emma. If there is one thing Emma does well, it's tell you _exactly_ what she thinks about _everything_. I miss that.

So then I feel guilty, either for thinking these thoughts about Ellie or thinking about Emma at all and I go overboard trying to make it up to Ellie, even if she's unaware that that's what I'm doing. I guess my actions would seem pretty random if you didn't know me.

Which is why I let Ellie feed me at lunch. Yes, I felt a little stupid, and yes, I'm sure to Jay and everyone else it looked like I was completely whipped, but I felt bad about that ferret comment earlier. Yes, Bueller freaked me out completely. I keep waking up in the middle of the night expecting to see it crouched on my stomach stealing my breath like the troll in Stephen King's Cat's Eyes or scratching my eyes out. Ellie loves the thing though. Treats it like it's our baby. I mean, she hasn't had a great home experience, so I guess she doesn't realize that many, many normal people do not have pets. If they do, they have dogs or cats or fish. If you're thinking exotic, get a snake or a lizard or a hamster. Not a ferret. Little weasel-ly thing. But again, saying so aloud was betraying Ellie, so I decided to make it up to her, by doing the whole romantic lunch thing. Until Jay came in and I started stressing a little bit.

The whole world was going crazy, with Rick seeming to be the final push that was causing everything to spin out of control. So I was looking forward to chemistry. Simple, mathematical, logical chemistry. The fact that it was Ms. Hot Sauce's class was just icing on the cake, really.

Until that went crazy as well. Everything started normally. My experiment went well, I actually did the math right, which I always screw up, and JT was my partner, so I didn't have to deal with someone too stupid or afraid of me. Like I said, someone too stupid.

JT and I had finished early and he was trying out "new material," joking about his recent break-up with Manny. I'll say this for the guy, he's got the right attitude about certain things, you know? Jokes were a lot better than stealing from your ex's step-father, but then I guess that had been a bit extreme. I couldn't help watching Toby out of the corner of my eye. He had spilled chemicals twice on his poor lab partner, Rick, and then kept walking halfway over to another part of the room and then back. Rick seemed to be half-goading, half mocking him, so that I wasn't sure if he wanted Toby to do whatever it was or not. It was actually kind of amusing to see Toby walk and then walk back, his facial expressions more and more comical. What the hell was he up to?

"What kind of boat always crashes and burns?" JT asked, shaking me out of my musings.

"Hey, JT, shut up for a minute and answer a question for me?" I shushed him.

"I guess," he replied, his big grin falling. He couldn't resist adding "A relation-_ship_ by the way."

I sent him a glare to show him how much I appreciated that last joke. I mean, seriously, is that the best he can do? "Dude, you used to be funny. What's up with your boy Isaacs?"

"Toby?" JT asked, turning to follow my gaze. "I don't know; I haven't talked to him lately. I'm trying out this new thing where I act mature and Toby isn't exactly helping, you know. . ."

I tuned JT out as Toby finally reached his destination and leaned over to talk to Emma. That was weird. I mean, Toby had been super weird about Emma when we first started going out way back in Grade 7, but since then they had become really good friends, not the type that you would have had to think about what to . . .

"Holy shit," I said, watching Emma reach over and kiss Toby on the cheek. I had flashes of everything that I went through on our first date to get Emma to kiss me and he just waltzes over and asks?

"What?" JT asked, spinning around in time to see Toby push Emma aside. "Dude, I told him not to hang out with Rick. I mean, Emma can be annoying, but seriously, you don't have to shove like that."

Normally, I would have pounded anyone who shoved Emma – I mean any girl – away like that, but I was still in shock. "She kissed him," I repeated to myself dully.

"What?" JT asked, turning towards me as I watched Emma lean over and kiss Rick on the cheek.

"Ah – eh – I" Words failed me. I rubbed my eyes and then looked up, blinking. Emma was on one side of the room talking to some new girl, while Toby and Rick were in the same place, heads close together, whispering.

"Are you okay?" JT actually looked concerned.

No way did I just see that happen. I must be hallucinating. "Yeah, man. I think I got a little to close to some fumes or something. I'm seeing things."

JT leaned over and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Was the guy made of rubber? "What kind of things?" he asked with a leer. "Things involving Emma? Thinking of Emma taking you back? Oh, Seannie, I missed you so! Oh, oh . . ." he made a huge kissy face, lips puckered.

I punched him in the arm, harder than a joke, but not hard enough to hurt – too much at least. "Um, I've got a girlfriend, moron," I reminded him as the bell rang.

"Yeah, yeah," JT said grabbing his bag and moving toward the door. "That's what they all say."

I started to protest more, but JT had disappeared. I looked around for Emma, to try and get some sort of explanation for what I had just seen, but she also had vanished. Not that she was talking to me at the moment, thanks to Jay.

I shook my head, trying to clear it. Ellie was going over to Marco's for some "best friend" time, as she called it. Ellie and Marco hadn't hung out in a while, but since Marco and Dylan had their whole whatever deal, the two friends had re-connected. It was nice to have some breathing room, actually. As much as I loved Ellie, and I did, really, it was a little too much to spend every moment with her in school, after school and then at home.

Looking forward to having some time alone to regain my apparently lost sanity, I grabbed books seemingly at random from my locker. Shoving my backpack closed as I walked, I noticed some people scrambling to move out of my way and felt a tinge of regret. Once, I was the one who stood up to bullies at Degrassi. Now I was the bully. I pushed the thought aside. Whatever. I had to take care of myself before worrying about people I didn't even know. If they wanted to help me out by moving, then why should I worry about it?

I slammed through the double doors, my thoughts still a jumble of everything that had happened this past year. I mean, this time last year I was dating Emma, living with Tracker and friends with JT and Toby. Ellie was some scary goth chick and Jay was some asshole that would get me sent home or worse. I wonder what I would have done last year if I knew how everything would play out. There I go with the freakin' introspection again. Just call me Dr. Phil Cameron.

I stopped at the top of the stairs, seeming to look for my headphones, but in reality just letting my eyes adjust to the bright light. I started down, purposefully, hoping that I could use my bad boy reputation for good once and get out of here unmolested. I didn't feel like talking.

As I started to stalk off in the direction of my apartment – I never called it home; it wasn't home, it was just a place to sleep – I got the strangest feeling I was being watched. Sure enough, there was a car out of the corner of my eye going so slowly it was either following me or being pushed. I felt my heart start to speed up its beats as I glanced over my left shoulder . . .

. . . and saw Jay's car. Asshole. Almost gave me a heart attack.

He rolled the passenger side window down, but I ignored him, steadfastly looking ahead as I continued to walk.

"Cameron. Yo, Cameron!" Jay never was one to take a hint.

"Not in the mood!" I shouted at him, continuing to walk. This was my thinking time, damn it.

"Ahh, don't be like that. I skipped to cool down, had a couple of beers, everything's cool now, man," Jay told me.

"You WHAT?" I stopped in my tracks. Why hadn't I noticed his words were slurring? Driving drunk? Damn it, dealing with drunk best friends was so not on the agenda today, but what else could I do. I looked at Jay and noticed he was having trouble staying on the right side of the road.

"Great, just great," I muttered; then I raised my voice. "Stop the car, Hogart."

He actually listened to me and I ran over to the driver's side. "Slide over, man and I'll take you home."

He didn't move, but he didn't protest as I shoved him over to be sitting on the opposite side. I turned off the car and pocketed the keys when I went around to buckle him tightly into the passenger side. There was no use in taking stupid chances. Then I raced around to my side of the car.

"The whole world has to go insane today of all freakin' days. Ellie decides to give me some time off and everyone goes off their rocker. Between you and Emma, I don't know what the hell side is up," I muttered to myself sliding into the driver's seat.

"Emma . . ." Jay muttered, half conscious. "That is one hot piece of ass. I'd like to enjoy nature with her if you know what I mean." I felt myself begin to get a little hot thinking about Emma and my last make out session last year. Clean the Ravine, whatever. Some days, out of nowhere, I would start planning ways to kill Kendra, creatively, thinking about . . . wait, was Jay singing?

I stopped adjusting the mirrors and leaned closer to Jay. He reeked of alcohol, but sure enough he was quietly singing "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. You know the one. "I'd like to ---- you like an animal." Now I knew for sure he had had more than a couple of beers. More like a bottle of whiskey and a couple of beers. I was gonna to give him crap about this for the rest of his life. His drunken thoughts were of Emma Nelson.

"Man, you should've stayed in school," I laughed at Jay's semi-conscious form. "Emma was giving out kisses like they were candy. First Toby, the dorky best friend, then Rick, registered psychopath and Emma's current pity project, who's to say school bully wouldn't be next, right?"

I had apparently misjudged Jay's state of intoxication, because at the mention of Emma's make out party, his head had abruptly jerked up. "What did you say?" his words were understandable, less blurry than before.

"Nothing. Just I thought I saw Emma kiss Toby and then Rick. Just on the cheek, nothing major. Probably hallucinated the whole thing." I leaned over to release the parking brake and when I sat back up Jay was gone.

"Jay? Jay? What's up?" I got out of the car in time to see him run into Degrassi Community School. Now what? His car was in the middle of the street and I was standing next to it, starting to cause a minor traffic jam. He was intoxicated in a school where he had skipped every class since lunch. Nothing good could come of this, but what could I do?

First step, park the car. Jay would have to handle himself till then. I managed a nifty three point turn in a driveway a block up and returned to the Degrassi parking lot. Now to find Jay, before a teacher or Liberty did.

Might as well start at the beginning, right? I bounded up the main doors, looking left and right. I started down one hall towards Jay's locker, eyes and ears open for anything out of the ordinary.

I jumped about a mile when I felt the hand on my shoulder. Turning only to find . . .

"Alex, where'd you learn to sneak up on people like that?" I asked, trying to play it off like I hadn't almost wet myself.

"How else do I sneak out of my house every night? My mom's on an overprotective kick right now, so it pays." She shrugged. "What you doing here after school is done? Lost your way home without your little Ellie Wellie to show you the way?"

"No . . . I just forgot something," I said casually. "What are you doing here?"

"Meeting. Official Vice President business, you know," she started to move toward the student council offices and I continued down the corridor. "Cameron!" Her voice stopped me. "You haven't seen Jay, have you?"

I gulped. Since she started on this whole student council thing, she didn't appreciate Jay and me breaking school rules as often as say, oh, last year. I don't know how you go from stealing school property to enforcing dress codes, but hey, to each her own, right? I mean, I confessed to something I had already gotten away with and spent all summer working in the hot TO sun as a reward. I guess we were all growing a conscience or something. 'You always had one, you just suppressed it long enough to break Emma's heart,' a little voice inside of me whispered. 'Shut up,' I answered myself, 'I'm trying to lie to Alex.'

"Not since lunch, he said he was skipping out. Listen, I really gotta get that book I left in my locker," I told her, continuing down the corridor.

"Hey, Cameron." I turned to face Alex again as she spoke, "Number 1: You're a horrible liar. Two: Your locker's that way." She flicked her thumb in the opposite direction of the one I was facing.

Checkmate. I thought. This is the part where I get beat up by a girl. Pretty sad, right? There goes the fear as I walk down the hallway, let the ridicule begin. 'There's Cameron, some girl on _student council_ beat his ass down after school yesterday, did you hear?' But instead Alex just sent me a sad look and kept walking towards her meeting. The scary thing was I recognized that look. It was the 'I just screwed up and don't know how to fix it look.'

I don't know how long I stood there dumbly, only that it was too long because the next thing I know Mr. Raditch was calling my name. "Mr. Cameron, to what do we owe this pleasure?"

Testing out my lying skills in record numbers today. "Forgot something, sir. I was on my way to my locker when I saw a friend and walked her to her meeting." Without mentioning Alex by name, I made my message clear: student council business, butt out.

"Well, Mr. Cameron, I trust you can find what you have forgotten and be out quickly." Do you speak Raditch? If not, here's the translation: I'm watching you.

I could be fairly sure that if Jay was down the corridor I had been headed Mr. Raditch would have caught him already, so turning towards my own locker only helped at this point.

"Have a good evening, Mr. Cameron," Mr. Raditch said, entering the door Alex had just passed through. I headed toward my locker briskly.

"You, too, Mr. Raditch." I saw surprise flicker in his eyes. Like I said, no one in this school knows me at all, except . . .

Emma Nelson flew by me just then, tears streaming down her face, and she slammed out the doors.

"Em?" I called after her. It was like she hadn't seen me. Well, I could follow her, try to cheer her up, have her slap me harder than she had this summer, hate me even more and add to her obviously not so great day. Or I could trace her steps back and find my best friend, the only person other than Manny, Alex or me that could make her cry like that and get him out of here, fast. Manny was being a pom-pom girl, Alex was in a meeting and I was, well, I was right here, so that left one candidate.

Jay was sitting against a row of lockers across from the M.I. lab, head in his hands, which rested on his knees.

"What's happening, man?" I asked sliding down next to him.

"I'm just like him. I'm just like him." He seemed to be repeating it over and over again, like some sort of sick anthem.

Not again. Once last spring, when Alex and Jay had had a nasty fight, an ever increasing occurrence it seemed lately, he had approached her and she had fallen over backwards. I saw the whole thing; Jay didn't push her. Alex alcohol heels lots of falling. But Jay was convinced he was going to end up a wife-beater like his father and couldn't bring himself to face her. It's funny how he acts so mean and tough, but can crumble if he even thinks he touched a girl. Alex eventually came to see him at my place and from the sounds through the paper thin walls of my apartment, lots of make up sex was involved. I shuddered remembering how long it had taken to get those sounds out of my head.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Found Emma. Talked to Emma. Fought with Emma. Emma left." He sounded like a primary reader, 'Dick and Jane meet Emma.'

Wait a minute. For a horrifying moment my thoughts froze and I tensed every muscle. Concentrating to keep my voice even I asked, "You didn't hit Em, did you?"

I held my breath waiting for his answer. I mean, I didn't want to break every bone in his body, but I very easily could if I needed to. Especially because one: he was drunk and two: he would probably not fight me due to guilt if he had lifted a finger towards her.

"No. I didn't hit your precious 'Em.' But I wanted to. I wanted to so bad." Jay had his eyes shut tight back against the locker. "I had her right there, right there against the locker and I wanted to hit her so hard that she wouldn't be able to say anything hurtful and condescending again, but I didn't. You should have seen her eyes, Cameron. She looked just like my mom staring at my dad's belt. I'm just like him."

I slowly released the breath I had been holding. I was a little worried by what 'I had her right there meant,' but in this state Jay wouldn't be doing much clarifying. "But you didn't hit her, Jay. You wanted to and you didn't. Knowing Emma she probably gave you a mind and a half and you are drunker than I have ever seen you and you still restrained yourself. You are a man. Your Dad's just pathetic."

I waited a moment for what I said to sink in. "Now, come on and let's get you out of here before Raditch finds us and puts us both in detention for the rest of our high school lives."

I hoisted Jay up and slung his arm over my shoulder. "You, Cameron, are a friend. A real friend," he said, any lucidity he had earlier gone.

"A friend who will call your home and tell your folks you're spending the night. Now let's go before I regret it," I said, staggering toward the doors. 'Too late,' I thought to myself.


	9. Emma: Do You Really Want to Hurt Me Cul...

**I don't own Degrassi or Culture Club or anything really. Well, that's kinda depressing.**

**You wanted to know what happened between Emma and Jay, so here's Emma's version, Jay's should be up by the end of the weekend or early next week. Sorry, the song doesn't fit as well as others, but I don't want to waste too much time looking for a better one.**

Someone up there hates me. That's the only explanation. I mean, I never knew my dad, but that's the breaks, right? My mom barely dates until I'm in junior high, which is slightly weird – starting to date at the same time as your mom?—and then you factor in that when she does date it's my teacher who she then marries (no end to the social fun in high school, there, right?). I found out my dad is not a doctor who's too busy for me, but a man-child scarred from acid and finally accept Mr. Simpson only to have him sick beyond belief as my mother has another baby.

If only that were all, right? My friends: My closest friend has told me that "I'm so boring it makes her want to cry," rejected me to be popular, check that, not popular, but "hot – not cute, not adorable, but hot" and then after much drama and make ups dropped me for a rather minor incident earlier this year. I mean Liberty doesn't even like Chris! She's totally still crushing on JT, who Manny did date even though she didn't particularly want him, but no one remembers that. JT dropped me in favor of pursuing afore mentioned friend, Manny, and my other close guy friend seems to alternate between ignoring me and declaring me the great unrequited love of his life.

Nothing else could possibly wrong, right? Until you consider my pathetic love life which can be summed up like this: Internet stalker – Sean Cameron – crush on Craig who picks Manny – Sean Cameron – DJ who inadvertently lost me best friend by being attracted to school nerd – Sea . . . I mean, single. I'm single. With no prospects.

So really I should be in line for some form of karmic bliss for the next, I don't know, 12 lifetimes or so.

The first day of school after last weekend I came ready to tell everyone about Jack's new trick. I had been such a downer lately, but today would be different. Except that I forgot I have no one to talk to at school. Still, when Toby mumbled some compliment as he held the door open for me I tried to be gracious. I walked to Dad's classroom to deliver some papers he had forgotten before going to my homeroom. He had just given a second warning and people were rushing out of the lab.

"Oh, Em!" Dad said as I turned to leave. "Will you run these announcements to Marco in the office real quick? Alex printed them, but she forgot to take them with her."

What was I this morning, Degrassi Fed Ex? "I'll be late for homeroom and you know how Ms. Kwan is," I protested.

"You'll be fine. Thanks, Em." Dad looked back down at his papers. I made a big showy sigh, but headed towards the office as he knew I would.

As I approached the office I could hear Jay and Alex's voices and they appeared to be arguing. 'Great,' I thought, 'my two favorite people, together, and obviously in a good mood, this should be wonderful.'

Jay started to leave as I approached and I said a little prayer of thanks that I wouldn't have to speak to him. He had been weirding me out lately. Ever since this summer and his comments, he was making less fun of the environment and more comments about my figure, which I wasn't sure were complimentary or not. Either way, he made me uncomfortable. Alex held nothing but pure, undiluted hate for me and that I could deal with. Jay was another story.

I said an 'Amen' a little too early apparently because Alex pulled her boyfriend back and started sucking face in the hallway. I mean, I guess I could call it a kiss, but she really just attacked him with her lips.

I froze where I was, hoping that they wouldn't see me if they eventually came up for air, but they blocked the only entrance to the office and Marco, the goal of my little quest.

I tried to go to a happy place like others who have witnessed traumatizing things and I swear I could see myself from where I was floating on the ceiling watching my body as the office door slammed, jarring me back to myself. Or something like that.

"How long exactly have you been standing there?" Jay snapped rudely.

I scrunched my nose up. Like I had _wanted_ to see that. "Look, I wasn't planning on witnessing the first scene of your X-rated movie, okay," I retorted. Jay had this little satisfied grin on his face. Eww, gross. I didn't have time for this. "Excuse me, but I have to get by," I said trying to push by Jay by the sheer force of my will, eyes on the ground as I didn't want to look at his disgusting leer.

"Wait." Jay had this commanding tone, like a football coach or something.

"What?" I looked up at him, wondering why on earth he would want to continue this conversation.

I peered deep into his eyes trying to figure out exactly what he was up to this time.

"I wanted to warn you about Toby and . . ." Jay began.

Okay, whatever trick he was up to, I had had enough. "_YOU_ wanted to warn _ME_ about _TOBY_? A person who has gone out of his way to make me miserable for the last year wants to warn me about one of my best friends?" I looked at Jay unbelievingly. 'What's he going to do, program me to death? Bore me with his wit?' I wanted to say. But that would be cruel to one of the few friends I've got left. "You're a real piece of work," I said, reaching for the office door. "But I do not have time for this. Announcements are about to begin," I said, held high as I walked through the door, proud I had put Jay in his place. And promptly tripped. Seriously. I had to support myself on the door frame I stumbled so hard and then the door swung shut and hit me in the behind. The door pushed me forward and I had to grasp the desk to keep from falling into Marco's lap. Well, that was dignified, Emma, I told myself. Great, just great.

"Marco, Da – I mean, Mr. Simpson asked me to give these to you." I handed the form to Mr. President.

"Thanks, Emma," Marco said, not even looking up. He was concentrating on something in his hands.

"Now, run along and play, Emma, dear," Alex said in her falsely sweet voice making a little shooing motion with her hand. "The adults have work to do." Seriously, could my day get any better?

"Emma, hold on," Mr. Raditch called as I started to open the door. "Come with me and I'll get you a pass for homeroom." I had to ask.

I followed Mr. Raditch into his office and he shut the door. Not typical 'let me write you a pass' behavior. Since when did Raditch write his homeroom passes personally, anyway? It was usually a secretarial task. Images flashed before my eyes. Something had happened to Mom, Snake, Jack . . .

"Emma, I wanted to talk to you about Mr. Murray," Mr. Raditch started.

"Rick, sir?" I asked. Okay, now I was confused.

"Thank you for ending that ridiculous campaign. I know you take your little battles very seriously, so I just wanted to let you know I appreciated your compliance with school wishes," as Mr. Raditch thanked me, my mind went into overdrive.

He had just dismissed everything I had fought for in Degrassi, called my rather successful fundraising for a battered woman's shelter ridiculous and complemented me on turning into an administration puppet. He must have taken my open mouth shock for. . . I have no idea what he thought of my expression, but I soon found myself in the hallway, pass for Ms. Kwan in hand.

Fortunately, Jay had disappeared, although I expected him to pop out at any minute. Only one person could possibly make this day worse and wonder of all wonders the only seat left in homeroom was the one that separated Sean Cameron from the rest of the students. As I slid into the empty seat, I wished I had stayed in bed this morning.

Surprisingly, Sean nodded an acknowledgement of my presence and then went back to . . . plotting the theft of Raditch's car? Carving Ellie and Sean forever on the desk? Thinking up more rumors about our activities this summer to spread? Whatever he was doing, he was doing it silently. One disaster averted at least.

I somehow sleep walked through the rest of the day, noticing only major things, like Ellie feeding Sean at lunch (eww, were we ever that co-dependent? I hoped not. For feminisms sake and what not) or the rumors of the break-up of super couple, Paige and Spinner. The rumor seemed to involve Manny, which made it less reliable. After chewing me out the first day of school for coming between Liberty and Chris, she wouldn't be hypocritical enough to break up another couple, would she?

Finally it was the last class of the day. I felt myself counting down the seconds until chemistry was over and I could be done. Granted I'd have to wait till Snake finished with Student Council if I wanted to get a ride home, but an hour by myself in the MI lab didn't sound so bad. An hour to myself anywhere didn't sound too bad after dealing with Raditch and Jay this morning, not to mention Toby stalking me all day for some unknown reason.

Speaking of Toby, he was hovering again, wandering back and forth. It was amusing, for oh, all of about ten seconds. Seriously, I've known him for four years. You think he could start a conversation with me. I went back to my microscope, so of course, Toby took that moment to approach.

"Uh, standing up for Rick like you did…I've decided to follow your lead," Toby said. Well, that was unexpected.

"What do you want Toby?" I asked annoyed. Seriously, I only had so much time to finish up the assignment.

Toby must have decided to switch tactics, because he stopped kissing up to me and got right to the point. "We've got this game going, it's kind of scavenger hunt-ish." He leaned forward and whispered, "If I get a kiss I win!"

I quickly weighed my options and decided the easiest way to end this was to give in. After all, JT was still his best friend and the idea of the two of them escalating a kiss game had too much potential for extreme embarrassment. So I made the only logical choice. Rolling my eyes, I leaned over and kissed Toby on the cheek.

Toby shoved me away roughly as he got in Rick's face. "Ha! I win, which means you lose! You are a loser!" Hmmm. . . And Toby wondered why he didn't have a girlfriend. Call me crazy, but I hoped that I would inspire a little bit more, I don't know, awe maybe? I mean when I kissed Sean, even if it was on the cheek, he'd . . .

'Don't go there, Emma,' I told myself.

Well, there was one way to teach Toby a lesson. "Nice way to follow my lead Toby. Just so you're not lonely!" And I leaned over and kissed Rick on the cheek as well.

As I moved away, I noticed Sean rubbing his eyes. I fought the urge to make sure he was alright and instead compared notes with Krystle, another girl in our chem class to finish up. Krystle and I weren't friends, per se, but with so many classes together we tried to help each other out occasionally.

Finally Ms. Hatzilakos dismissed us. I raced to get my books from my locker and then headed towards the M.I. lab.

"Hey, Dad, still offering the ride? I'm not sure the streets are safe to walk home today," I said. "Seriously, is it me, or is everyone just a little weird today?"

"I've always got a spot for you in the Nelson-Simpson carpool," Dad said as I walked into the lab. "You remember the rules, right?"

"Don't let anyone else in, don't surf any websites I shouldn't, no food or drinks, don't leave the lab or I'll be locked out, stop any charging rhinos from attacking the new computers, point them towards the older section of the lab instead," I recited. Seriously. As if he didn't leave this to me all the time.

"And most importantly," Archie prompted. At my blank look he continued, "If you're bored, feel free to defrag!"

"Out! I shouted, pointing at the door. Laughing, I shut it behind him and dropped the shades. I just stood with my back against the door and breathed deeply. One more day down. Tomorrow would be better. It had to be.

I felt guilty for planning on spending an hour on pointless internet sites and decided to defragment one row of computers, at least. I had just moved to the computer closest to the door, when I heard pounding on the door to the lab.

I heard a voice in my head. 'Rule #1: Let no one else in' and continued working on the computer.

"Open up, Nature Girl! I know you're in there!" Jay's voice boomed through the door punctuated by loud thumps. "I've broken vending machines before, this door will be rather simple!"

What on earth could he possibly want? I hadn't seen him since this morning's encounter and his aborted warning about Toby. Suddenly I had a flash of the strange chemistry class I had just had. Jay couldn't have known . . . no, there was no way Toby would have told Jay that there was a scavenger hunt/kiss contest. That screamed "MOCK ME," and Toby's survival instincts had sharpened considerably after dating Kendra and dealing with her over-protective big brother, Spin.

But Jay didn't make idle threats, so I moved to the door to save it. My dad would never let me hear the end of it if anything happened to his precious M.I. classroom on my watch.

I opened the door a little. "The lab is closed," I told Jay, trying to shut the door, quickly.

"I'm not looking for computer time, Emma. I want to talk to you." At the use of my first name I froze.

I stepped into the hallway, making sure I propped open the door behind me so I wasn't locked out. "What could you possibly want to talk to me about?" Ouch, my voice sounded harsher than I intended.

"Look, I know you and I don't get along," he started. I stifled a giggle. That was one way to put it. "And I know you and Cameron have a history."

"I am not talking about Sean with you of all people. If he asked you to . . ." Jay cut me off.

"Just listen to me Emma. For once listen to someone. Because somebody has got to get through to you and let you know what you are playing with. Since none of your so-called friends, such as _Toby,_ are stepping in, I guess it's gonna be me." Jay's voice dripped with anger as he said Toby's name and I grew suddenly aware of how close we were standing. I took a step backwards, only to find the lockers were right behind me.

"I heard about your chem class," he continued.

"You're staging a chemistry intervention?" I mocked. "Look, whatever Sean's told you, it's not true." This entire conversation was beyond surreal and I moved to try and move past him back into the lab.

"So you didn't kiss Rick today?" he asked mockingly.

I stopped. "How is that any of your business?"

"Because Emma. You are going to get hurt." Jay's voice was getting louder with each word.

"Like you care!" I scoffed.

"Damn it, Emma! I do care!" Jay was shouting now. "I've been watching you for a while and, despite my best efforts, I care about what happens to you!"

"You've been watching me?" I took a deep breath. Starting again, I purposefully kept my voice low and measured. "Look. I don't know what you're trying to do here. I don't know the set-up and I don't want to. I am trying to give Rick another chance because no one else will. Something I guy like you wouldn't understand."

"You are such a freakin' hypocrite!" Jay shouted taking a step closer to me. I smelled cheap whiskey and felt scared for the first time. Why hadn't I noticed earlier he was drunk? I felt my heartbeat speed up as I was trapped between a now very angry Jay and the lockers. Placing a hand on the lockers to the side of my body, effectively blocking my only other lane of escape, Jay continued. "What the hell do you know about a guy like me? And giving chances? You prance around up in the clouds looking down on all the rest of us. Did you ever once try to get to know me? To get to know Alex? Did you give anyone I know a first chance, let alone a second?"

He pounded his fist against the lockers painfully close to my ears. "You probably blame me for your break up with freakin' Cameron. Do you know if he had asked my opinion I would have told him that he was freakin' crazy to let such a strong, beautiful girl go, even if she was annoyingly goody two shoes? NO!" Another pound. "Because GOD FORBID Sean Cameron ever do wrong! He had to have been led astray by the devil in the form of me, right?" He leaned in close. "AM I RIGHT?"

I turned my head away from him and nodded, both because he _was_ right and because I was afraid to anger him any more. He dropped his voice to a whisper. "You don't know what it's like to watch your dad hit your mom and be powerless to stop it. You don't know what it's like to be told everyday by your parents the world would have been a better place without you. You don't know me. And you never tried to. So go ahead. Judge me. Judge Alex. Keep your second chances for big public displays: Rick, Sean, Manny, so everyone can continue to talk about Emma Nelson the perfect angel, who reaches out to everyone in need. Just know that I see right through you, Emma. And from now on, you are on your own. You want me to be the bad boy?" His voice had steadily risen and now was as loud as ever. "I'll show you a freakin' bad boy!" He brought his hand back and I flinched.

When I looked up, Jay was on the other side of the hall, looking at his own hands in horror like he had just discovered them.

"Jay, I . . ." I didn't know what to say, but leaving things like this seemed wrong.

"Why are you still here? GO HOME! GO!" Jay shouted.

I turned and ran, tears now streaming down my face. I passed a blurry figure and heard my name, but I didn't stop. I had too much to think about. My tears, however, were not from fear. If I only would admit it, I was crying because of the amazing level of guilt I felt. Behind all the anger and violence, deep down, I knew he was right. He was right about everything.


	10. Jay: Little Miss Can't Be Wrong Spin Do...

**Finally, here's Jay's thoughts for everything you've seen so far and a little you haven't. Updates might be a little slower coming than normal because of finals, but I have mapped out the whole story, so I promise your patience will be rewarded. Thank you to all who reviewed the last chapter, I appreciate any feed back that you want to offer.**

**Of course, if I owed Degrassi or the Spin Doctors and their songs, finals would be the last thing on my mind, but I don't, unfortunately.**

**Also, beware, probably the strongest language to date below. I tried to tone it down a little, but some things when it comes to Jay, just aren't pretty.**

A glaring light hit my eyes and I opened them to have the world spin. I shut them quickly, but not quick enough to prevent the jack-hammers from going off in my head.

"Rise and shine, sweetheart," a cheerful falsetto instructed. Even with the hideous tone, I recognized that voice.

"Jump off a cliff, Cameron. And close the shades when you leave," I muttered, shoving a pillow over my head. It didn't help.

"No way, man. You gotta get into the shower," Sean grabbed the pillow from me. I stood up to get it back and fell back on the bed. I'd kick his ass after the room stopped spinning. Really. If it ever did.

"You can't ditch two days in a row. And you were lucky that no one saw you at school wasted yesterday," he argued.

Yesterday . . . I went to school wasted? I didn't really remember much after going home and helping myself to some of my father's alcohol collection. Oh, wait! I had decided to be a friend and give Sean a ride home from school. Oh, shit. "Did I really drive to school trashed?" I asked more to myself, then to Sean.

"Umm, yeah, moron. Do you know what could have happened?" Sean sat on the bed next to me.

"Nothing happened. Sweet," I covered. Okay, so disaster averted. "Thanks for the lecture, Dad."

"You gonna tell me what happened between you and Emma yesterday? Or am I going to have to interpret the Degrassi gossipvine?" Sean asked me, squinting down where I was laying.

Flashes from yesterday afternoon flashed through my head. Did I really have a drunken fantasy about Emma Nelson? And out loud to Cameron. Well that freakin' sucked! Wait, Emma wasn't in the car, was she?

"She didn't hear me singing, did she?" I asked confused.

"Dude, you are so out of it. Do you even remember going back into Degrassi and fighting with Emma?" Sean asked.

"Fighting . . ." I had a glimpse of me slamming my hand against a locker dangerously close to Emma's head and her flinching away from me. "I didn't . . . do anything to Emma did I?"

Sean shook his head. "Not that you told me about anyway. Look, hop in the shower. It'll all come back to you eventually. I'm going to make some coffee. I've only got instant, but it should wake you up somewhat."

"Thanks, man," I stood up shakily. "Look, I'm sorry I ruined your night without the vampire, or whatever."

"That's what friends are for," Sean said walking away. Turning back, he called out, "Just don't do it again."

It wasn't the first time I had been drunk enough to have holes in my memory, so I knew that with the right trigger, everything would come back. Until then, I had to get my shit together. I showered quickly and Sean retrieved my emergency set of clothes from the trunk of my car. Even the sight of dry toast caused my stomach to flip-flop, so I had a cup of coffee for breakfast, and we were off.

Sean ditched quickly – something about meeting Ellie in the cafeteria – but the whole having to watch them feeding each other again thing would have literally made me sick with my hangover, so I headed toward my locker. I was trying to avoid everyone, Emma especially, until I remembered exactly what had happened yesterday.

As I walked down the hall I spotted Rick and Toby . . . Rick and Toby . . . suddenly it all came back.

_Flashback_

I had been singing some inane song about well, my favorite subject, at least, when Sean's laughter intruded onto a very hot fantasy involving Ms. Nature and a very interesting garden.

"Man, you should've stayed in school," Sean commented. "Emma was giving out kisses like they were candy. First Toby, the dorky best friend, then Rick, registered psychopath and Emma's current pity project, who's to say school bully wouldn't be next, right?"

That got my attention as I remembered the crazy bet thing those nerds had been talking about this afternoon. "What did you say?" I asked concentrating way harder than I should have had to, in order to be coherent.

"Nothing. Just I thought I saw Emma kiss Toby and then Rick. Just on the cheek, nothing major. Probably hallucinated the whole thing." Sean leaned over to check things, but I couldn't wait. If they both got a kiss, that was a tie, right? With Rick's history, I didn't want to know what the tie-breaker would be.

I jumped out of the car, not bothering to shut the door and headed back towards Degrassi. I had to explain to Emma what she was messing with. Granted, I was having a little trouble walking straight, but that was only a minor inconvenience. Luckily, Emma's locker was right next to the M.I. lab, making it the obvious first choice for my search. Even more fortunately, it was close to Cameron's so if anyone asked what I was up to, I could claim I was retrieving something for him. Or something like that. Yeah.

As I approached the lab, I saw Emma through the windows. I was distracted momentarily by the way she was bending over the computer closest to the door, offering a very nice view of her ass. Damn, she was hot.

I shook my head. I was on a mission, I reminded myself. I pounded on the door, which Emma glanced at before turning back to the computer. That lucky, lucky computer.

A little more encouragement was needed. "Open up, Nature Girl! I know you're in there!" I shouted between pounds on the door. Still nothing, so I continued. "I've broken vending machines before, this door will be rather simple!"

There was a pause and then the door opened barely a crack, Emma sticking her head out slightly. "The lab is closed," she told me starting to close the door.

Okay, so apparently threatening to break down the door was not the best way to approach the situation. I changed tactics. "I'm not looking for computer time, Emma. I want to talk to you."

She froze and I could almost hear her weigh the Jay of a moment ago against my request now. But I must have caught her attention, because she walked across the hall and turned.

"What could you possibly want to talk to me about?" Judging from the tone of her voice, her attention and her trust were far from the same thing.

"Look, I know you and I don't get along," I started. She was laughing at me. Great. Well, there was no turning back now. "And I know you and Cameron have a history."

Her guards jumped back up into place immediately and she interrupted me. "I am not talking about Sean with you of all people. If he asked you to . . ."

I interrupted her right back. I couldn't let her walk away now. "Just listen to me, Emma. For once listen to someone. Because somebody has got to get through to you and let you know what you are playing with. Since none of your so-called friends, such as _Toby,_ are stepping in, I guess it's gonna be me." I felt myself starting to get angry when I thought about how little her actual friends were doing to protect her. Just like they had kept that first girl safe from the psycho. And yet I was the 'bad influence.'

"I heard about your chem class," I kept going.

Her eyes widened, but she wouldn't give in. Instead she joked, "You're staging a chemistry intervention? Look, whatever Sean's told you, it's not true." Why would she bring up Sean unless she knew what he told me? She tried to run away from the subject, from me, so I changed tactics. Emma didn't back down from a fight, so I thought I'd piss her off a little.

"So you didn't kiss Rick today?" I taunted.

Sure enough, she stopped. "How is that any of your business?" she asked rudely.

I took a deep breath. This was the moment of truth. "Because Emma. You are going to get hurt."

"Like you care!" She threw the words at me.

"Damn it, Emma! I do care!" On some level I realized my voice was too loud, but I was sick of working so hard to get her to just admit she didn't know everything. "I've been watching you for a while and, despite my best efforts, I care about what happens to you!"

"You've been watching me?" Emma's nostrils flared a little. Woah, if I had wanted to piss her off, mission accomplished. She managed to get herself under control fairly quickly and climb back on her soap box, though. "Look. I don't know what you're trying to do here. I don't know the set-up and I don't want to. I am trying to give Rick another chance because no one else will. Something I guy like you wouldn't understand."

Her off hand remark felt like a punch to the stomach. I didn't think, I just reacted.

"You are such a freakin' hypocrite!" I shouted taking a step closer to her. That was the last straw. A guy like me? What the hell did that mean? She didn't even know me, but she had placed me lower than someone who had beat up his frickin' girlfriend. He had almost killed that girl while proclaiming his frickin' love! I put one hand on either side of her face, moving my own face close to hers. "What the hell do you know about a guy like me? And giving chances? You prance around up in the clouds looking down on all the rest of us. Did you ever once try to get to know me? To get to know Alex? Did you give anyone I know a first chance, let alone a second?"

I pounded my fist against the lockers, rage – or was it alcohol – making my vision swim a little. If I wanted to get Emma back, experience showed the best way was through Cameron. "You probably blame me for your break up with freakin' Cameron. Do you know if he had asked my opinion I would have told him that he was freakin' crazy to let such a strong, beautiful girl go, even if she was annoyingly goody two shoes? NO!" Another pound. "Because GOD FORBID Sean Cameron ever do wrong! He had to have been led astray by the devil in the form of me, right?" I leaned in close. "AM I RIGHT?"

Emma looked away from me, nodding. Good. About time she listened. I was so sick of Emma, hell all of Degrassi, thinking they all knew me so well. If they wanted so badly for me to be evil, I might as well have some fun with it. I lowered my voice, whispering, "You don't know what it's like to watch your dad hit your mom and be powerless to stop it. You don't know what it's like to be told everyday by your parents the world would have been a better place without you. You don't know me. And you never tried to. So go ahead. Judge me. Judge Alex. Keep your second chances for big public displays: Rick, Sean, Manny; so everyone can continue to talk about Emma Nelson the perfect angel, who reaches out to everyone in need. Just know that I see right through you, Emma. And from now on, you are on your own. You want me to be the bad boy?" I was shouting again, but beyond caring. Forget Emma Nelson and her perfect little hypocrisy. "I'll show you a freakin' bad boy!" I brought my hand up intent on hurting her as much as her words had hurt me, but I stopped myself. I backed away from her, horrified.

I stared at my hands. I was just like him. I was just as bad as Rick and my dad and Alex's dad. Worse, because I supposedly knew better. Shit, how had this happened? I had only wanted to tell her to be careful, but she made me so angry!

"Jay, I . . ." Emma tried to approach me, but I cut her off.

"Why are you still here? GO HOME! GO!" I shouted, trying to scare her away. Didn't she realize she was in danger? I had stopped myself, but just barely. She needed to leave before I completely lost control. I leaned against the lockers and slid to the floor as I watched her run down the hall.

_End Flashback_

Sean must have found me and taken me home. Now I had a new reason to stay away from Emma Nelson. She may have turned out to be a close-minded and judgmental brat, but she didn't deserve what almost happened to her. 'Fuck her,' a part of me said. While half of my brain started down the absolutely fabulous images that phrase inspired, I knew I was done with her. A guy like me? I didn't need that shit. Other than the legs that went up to her neck, I'm not entirely sure what ever attracted me to Emma Nelson.

But no matter what happened from now on, the entire situation was all Rick's fault. If he hadn't have targeted Emma, I wouldn't have tried to warn her drunk, she wouldn't have pissed me off and I wouldn't have taken my first steps toward the dark side. I would NOT turn into my father. I wouldn't let Rick or Emma or anyone else push me down that path. Emma was relatively innocent, that was my own fault, but Rick was a confirmed abuser and payback would be long and sweet. And start now.

"Slam!" I shouted, approaching Rick.

"What?" he asked, looking up. Using two hands and all my strength, I slammed Rick into a row of lockers.

"I said slam! Now pay attention next time!" I instructed Rick pointing at him. I walked away feeling somewhat better. But it wasn't over by a long shot.

The rest of my day was uneventful. I successfully avoided Ms. Nelson and Alex and actually stayed awake in class. Granted, I didn't pay attention, too many of my thoughts dwelling on yesterday's episode when my head wasn't throbbing.

By lunch time I had decided that I had to stop avoiding Alex. This whole Emma thing, whatever it had been was pretty conclusively over, so Alex's power game was pretty much over, too. I knew my place and even if I didn't the rest of the school wouldn't let me forget it. Alex would never generalize about what 'a guy like me' would or wouldn't do and I could use some babying from my girlfriend today.

With new found purpose, I stood on the balcony overlooking the crowded hallway, looking for Alex. I noticed Toby talking to some new Grade Niner. 'Where was his shadow?' I wondered, momentarily distracted. Twice in the same morning would be a pretty good record. As if on cue, Rick walked down the stairs. Damn, he had been looking at a bulletin board merely arm's length away and I had missed it.

I watched as Toby paid the girl. Interesting. But things got even more interesting when Rick came down and Toby disappeared. When she leaned over and kissed Rick, however, I stood up a little straighter. This whole time I had blamed Toby for not preventing Rick from going after Emma. I never thought that the little pipsqueak would actually be encouraging Rick. His role in everything had just been upgraded from passive stander-by to instigator. And I had some work to do.

Just then arms encircled me from behind. I turned to find myself face to face with Alex.

"Just the person I was looking for," I said with my patented smirk.

I thought she looked a tiny bit surprised, but it was gone in a moment, replaced with her own trademark smirk. That's my girl. Nothing's ever wrong, at least not that the world can see. "Well, baby, how 'bout we blow this joint and" Alex leaned over and breathed into my ear "catch up."

I shivered from top to toes. Now there was an offer. "I think that sounds like the perfect way to spend the afternoon," I told her, turning her face towards me and kissing her hard. We started down the stairs and towards the door when a voice stopped me.

"Mr. Hogart, I do hope you are planning to attend your afternoon classes this afternoon," Mr. Raditch told me approaching. Damn lousy timing. I was about to get some very hot make up sex, thank you very much, _Daniel_. "Two days in a row and I might have to take some action that neither of us would enjoy."

"I doubt that," I muttered under my breath. Alex squeezed my arm, warning me.

"What was that?" Mr. Raditch asked, trying to be intimidating.

"I said," I let out a hiss as Alex's nails dug into my arm. Got the message, darling, I glared at her. "I said, 'yes, sir.'"

"Thank you. Jayson, Alexandra, enjoy your lunch." Mr. Raditch nodded at us.

"Damn it," I swore softly so he wouldn't hear, wincing as Alex removed her claws.

"Big baby," she laughed swatting at me. It was good to hear her laugh again. I watched Toby and Rick head toward the cafeteria.

"Well, maybe there's a way to make this afternoon more interesting," I remarked, indicating the geek squad.

"Just don't get caught," Alex warned.

"I never get caught," I responded, nipping at her ear.

"Come on, outlaw, let's get something to eat, since we're not going to be otherwise occupied for a while at least," Alex tugged on the strap of my bag.

"Fine. Just promise not to feed me." I held up my hands in mock surrender.

"Why would I want to do something so stupid?" Alex looked back at me.

That's my girl. I pulled her back close for another kiss. "It's a long story. Suffice it to say that's why I love you."

She looked up at me and looked so young and vulnerable that I thought of how crazy I would have to be to let go of this amazing girl. "You sure about that?" she asked. This was the closest she would get to asking me about Emma. We didn't do 'feelings' and crap like that.

"Yeah. I may have been distracted lately, but I have refocused," I took her by the waist and striding toward the cafeteria leaned over to add the last part quietly. "And as soon as class is over I'll put that focus to good use."

We joined Sean for lunch because Ellie had a session with Ms. Sauve. Just a monthly, so you're not gonna kill yourself, right? checkup. Normal for someone who has to snap a frickin' bracelet to keep from slicing her own wrists. I still didn't get that. I mean, if the world sucks, hurt someone else. Doesn't hurt you, in fact, your own life looks a little better afterwards. Makes a hell of a lot more sense than beating yourself up. But whatever, right? I mean, I wasn't dating her.

Lunch was great, like old times last year. My crew and my girl and shop talk all around, plus the typical running commentary on the disgusting state of the school. It wasn't quite the same, as I could see Alex biting her lips a couple times to resist spouting student council bullshit, but it was close enough that it was good. Really, good.

Right before the bell rang, Alex went to talk to Paige with a warning about work and Towerz and everybody else cleared out leaving me and Sean.

"So are you ever going to tell me what happened yesterday?" He asked trying to look nonchalant.

I bit back a laugh. He was biting his lip like a little girl on her first date, trying to act like he wasn't worried about little Miss Nelson when it was obvious it was all he was thinking about. "Let me think for a moment," I started. I swear to God he leaned forward. This was too easy. "Umm . . . no."

He fumed for a couple seconds then leaned close. "Well, I'm sure you told Alex. So maybe I'll just ask her about what a drunken Jay and Emma would have to talk about. I'm sure she has a theory."

I glared at Sean. I was fairly confident he was bluffing. He liked Alex and wouldn't hurt her. Or at least I thought he wouldn't. Where Nature Girl was concerned, all bets were still off. He just leaned back with a smug smile. Damn.

"I warned her to stay away from Rick. She didn't like me messing in her business and told me so in no uncertain terms. I told her to go f--- herself if that's what she really wanted to do." I gave the extremely abbreviated version.

"Em's not really a fan of being told what to do," Sean said, a look in his eyes showing he knew from far too much experience.

"Yeah, so I gathered. But she doesn't have the whole story," I told Sean what I had overheard Rick and Toby talking about and what I had seen earlier.

"Well, that explains what I saw in chem. But look, man, we've put Emma through a lot of shit over the past year. I think we should just give it a rest," Sean reasoned. "She's not the type you want on your case."

"Yeah, I got that memo, thanks." I rolled my eyes. "Life is definitely much easier with your ex not breathing down our necks. Trust me. Little Miss Heal the World asked me to stay out of her life and I intend to." 'As soon as I take care of Toby Isaacs,' I added silently.

Sean gave me a nod that in Cameron-speak meant thanks or something. Seriously, he can speak with those huge eyebrows alone, I swear.

The bell rang then, giving us a warning for our next class. Joy. Well, the monotony of my science teacher's lecture on evolution allowed me to plan just exactly how I would take care of Mr. Isaacs. When the bell rang the end of class I was ready, but unfortunately, I didn't catch up to the Dork Prince until the next morning.

I hadn't slept well with the screaming at my house all night and crashes, but I couldn't afford to leave Mom alone two nights in a row. The next morning my hangover was completely gone and I had a renewed sense of purpose.

And wonder of wonders, who should I find but Toby and Rick, right where I wanted them, at Toby's locker.

"This has given me all the confidence I need," I overheard Rick say.

I, too, wondered like Toby, what this confidence was for, but Emma had told me to stay out, which I would after I tied up this loose end.

I was mildly amused to see Rick flee upon my arrival, but it was no matter, really.

"Survival instinct has the oldest and strongest member of the pack protecting the young and the weak," I started, quoting yesterday's lecture, as if I was in front of a class.

Toby immediately started protesting, "I'm weak. I'm practically feeble."

His eyes got huge as I grabbed his shirt and pulled him close, still leaving one arm casually against the side of his locker. "Yeah well, word's out that a niner's getting stalked by a certain psycho." So what if I was the one who had spread that rumor after what I had seen yesterday.

"Look. Rick's my friend!" I maneuvered his head making sure I didn't rough him up too much. Didn't want Cameron completely pissed at me and he tended to still stick up for Dolphin Girl's friends. "I was just trying to save him from humiliation," Toby continued.

I ignored him as I slammed the locker shut and stood in front of it arms crossed.

"Jay, Come on man! Let me out! Come on!" Toby's muffled voice came from within the locker.

"Yeah? Too bad he's not here to save you now!" I stood there feeling satisfied, ignoring Toby's continued pleas before I moved on. With luck, someone would find Toby and let him out before too long. If not, he could think about consequences. For every action there was a reaction and Toby just better hope that Rick was done with harassing women.

Shaking my head disgustedly, I started to search for Alex. One problem down, only Rick left.


	11. Alex: Nobody Sylvia

**A/N: Okay, thank you to Storyteller D, Allie, TeriAnn, Adri, anti-irony, Icelandic Morning Glory (Your favorites list? Awwww!), JTfanaddict (I'm glad you enjoyed that line, I've been trying to work Sean's eyebrows into my story) and all my other reviewers. As for Unwanted Souless Freak – are you a mind reader? Alex's point of view follows. **

**After this I am moving on to Time Stands Still and the chapters will be a little longer and therefore it will take a little longer to write out. Thanks for your patience; I just don't want to break them up into parts 1 & 2. Again, thank you for taking the time to help improve my writing by reviewing.**

**Remember -- I own nothing. Not Degrassi, not the 80's song, not even a car. Nothing.  
****On with the show, er, chapter.**

Why did everything in life come down to a choice? Paper or plastic? Plain or Peanut? Creamy or Crunchy? Fries or Onion Rings? Pepsi or Coke? One thing or the other?

Some rational part of my brain was screaming that sometimes you can have the best of both worlds, but right now I failed to see how. And right now the choice was clear. I could follow my heart and stay with Jay and continue to live in the moment. Or I could be logical and responsible for once: help Marco make a difference, end up going to University and doing something with my life. The two didn't appear to be able to relate to each other at all. Jay was making it clear I couldn't be responsible and hold his interest. 'Maybe you can't hold his interest anyway,' a little voice in my head whispered, but I ignored it. Or tried to, at least.

Of course, MI lab before homeroom was probably not the best place to think about such life altering decisions. It wasn't even the best place to research and write the morning announcements, but it was better than home. I love my mother more than anything, but since my dad – well, wasn't in the picture anymore – she had made it her business to micromanage my life in between her two jobs.

Paige sat down next to me and I steeled myself for an unpleasant conversation. She had interviewed yesterday at work and I thought I knew what was coming. Not that I have anything against a spoiled little girl earning dollars on her own in the real world. It's just that Paige and me, we don't really see eye to eye so much and the idea of working with her at _my_ movie theater and seeing her in _my _school everyday was just a little beyond what I thought I could handle. Besides, how much make up could one face hold before it collapsed upon itself?

"Alex. Um can we talk a sec?" So much for scaring her away by not acknowledging her presence. Well, on to plan two, relentless sarcasm.

I raised my eyebrows, otherwise keeping my expression completely neutral. "You're not calling me dog face?" I asked. Just my subtle way of reminding her that we're not friends.

Mr. Simpson interrupted any further conversation. "Okay internet lovers! Two minutes until homeroom so please log off!"

"Just one second please," Paige practically begged. Well, she was persistent, I'll give her that. "We've had our issues I know, but hun you see how much I do around here that I'm employee material."

Did she just call me 'hun'? "I wouldn't worry about it," I started, keeping my voice neutral. I stood up and grabbed my bag. I didn't have much time to make it to the office for announcements. "I put in a perfectly bad word for you," I finished, adding the Alex zing that got me my reputation.

It was fun wiping that smug grin off her face. I'd been wanting to take her down a peg for a long time. Paige was the epitome of what I hated about most of Degrassi: blonde, popular, full of herself and two-faced. I could be just as big a bitch as her, but at least you knew where you stood with me – far, far away was safest. Paige had a way of using her words to hurt those closest to her to make sure she stayed on top. Watching her control game over the years was more than a little sickening.

As I walked down the hall I saw Spinner openly laughing. Trouble in the beehive, huh? I flashed back to Paige's crestfallen face and felt a little bad. True, she was the unofficial Degrassi Queen, but if rumors were to be true her King was trying to trade her in for the younger model. If anything, I was beginning to know what that felt like. If those two, as sickening as they were, couldn't make it work, what hope did someone as screwed up as me have?

I approached the office, trying not to let the Paige thing get to me. What a way to start the morning. Could my day get any better?

Jay was hanging out by the office as I approached and I smiled. Perhaps I was wrong. Maybe he was warming up to a student council girlfriend. 'Maybe I could have everything, maybe there was a chance,' I thought. I was heading into some seriously distugustingly mushy territory when I realized he hadn't been waiting for me, he was leaving, following Rick and Toby with a determined look. I had been all for beating Rick at the Dot, but at school was another thing entirely. I grabbed Jay's elbow from behind.

I spun him around, not sure if I was really angry at him for thinking of starting something in school or angry because I had been wrong and he hadn't been waiting for me. "Raditch is on the war path after the ribbon stuff," I told him. "What are you doing just hanging out by the office? Don't start anything; I don't want to risk this position. Besides, how obvious can you get? Do you enjoy detention?" Okay, well, at least I didn't overreact.

Jay shook his head, trying to look innocent. "I'm up to nothing. Nothing at all. I just wanted to see my girl. Forget it, obviously a waste of time." He was full of shit, but at least he was trying. It was a start. "I got to get to class," he said, turning to walk away. I saw Emma Nelson approaching from behind him. If you want something, you gotta go after it right? Letting him run into his new obsession after a fight with me was not exactly the best way to keep Jay. That's my only rationalization for what I did next.

As Jay started to walk down the hall, I spun him around one more time and kissed him deeply, trying to put all of my desire into that one moment. When he saw his current dream girl Emma, I sure as hell wanted him to know what he would have to give up to get her.

"Something to think about during first period," I whispered. I pushed him away, a confident smile on my face. No way would things ever get that hot in the halls with the prude. "Now scram! I have official DCS business to attend to."

If Emma was even a little bit interested in Jay, which I was pretty sure she was not, the message was clear: MINE!

As for the boy in question, the secret is to leave them wanting more, right? With that thought I walked into the office shutting the door hard behind me.

I'd like to say that I went over the announcements calmly with Marco without a thought to what may or may not be happening with my boyfriend and the girl he finds extremely attractive outside the hall. But my dumb ass had left the print out in Simpson's classroom. Damned if I was going to go back there. So I watched as Marco freaked out, flipping through a book trying to come up with something un-lame to say during our five minutes of what looked like would be dead air time. Out of the corner of my eye though, I watched. I couldn't hear what they were saying or the tone, but I could see enough to know Jay was instigating the interaction. Why couldn't he have just walked away?

I turned and stared as Emma stumbled into the room and performed a Laurel and Hardy routine with the door. She almost sailed over the desk and right into Marco's lap. I was losing my boyfriend to this? I just about threw up right there. But why get mad? Get even.

"Marco, Da – I mean, Mr. Simpson asked me to give these to you." Emma said, handing the info I had printed moments ago to Marco.

Marco was in such panic mode he didn't even realize what she was handing him, he just mumbled, "Thanks, Emma."

I shooed at her dismissively. No way would I let her take credit for saving the day with stuff I had worked on all morning. "Now, run along and play, Emma, dear. The adults have work to do." I felt a moment of regret as I saw her face fall, but that was quickly replaced with the scowl I've made famous.

"Emma, hold on," Mr. Raditch called as she started to open the door to leave. "Come with me and I'll get you a pass for homeroom."

Since when did Raditch hand out personalized passes for homeroom? I was lucky if I could ever get the secretary to give me one because apparently I needed an "attitude adjustment." Admittedly, calling her a slow, fat ho to her face probably didn't help matters, but still. Mr. R never went out of his way to help me. The whole world bowed down to make life easier for Emma frickin' Nelson. We all just live in her almost perfect world.

I took a little satisfaction in seeing that Ms. Nelson left Raditch's office looking like someone had just told her kittens grow up to be cats that die. But only a little.

Announcements went great and Mr. Raditch even complemented me on the research I had done on the up coming 'Whack Your Brain' tournament. Too little, too late, bud.

Morning classes passed the way they normally did; I sat in the back of the class, drawing a design on my arm. As soon as I was old enough, I was going to get a tattoo. My mother would never agree, but it wouldn't be too long before I was legal. Of course, if I was serious about this "real life" thing, maybe I should get it somewhere not visible. These thoughts helped me survive the incredibly slow ticking of the clock.

Not that I couldn't have been a great student if I would only "apply myself." I swear some evil teacher somewhere invented that phrase just to screw with parents' heads. Could I do better in school? Probably. Not worth it though. You use the whole "Alex needs to apply herself" speech and suddenly Mom creates new rules about homework and friends and going out on school nights. I'm sorry, but after 16 years, you can't waltz in and expect to change the rules.

Eventually these thoughts helped me survive until lunch. Well, almost. "Alex?"

Everyone was staring at me as I was intently staring on the design on my left forearm. Great.

"Can I help you, Mr. Simpson?" I asked trying to play it cool.

"Yes, you can. Thanks for the offer. Please stay after the bell." As if on cue the bell rang right then.

Students all raced out to try and get through the cafeteria line as quickly as possible. Great. Just frickin' wonderful. I sighed dramatically as I walked to the front of the room.

"Alex, is there anything I can help you with?" Mr. Simpson asked with his 'concerned teacher face.'

Let's see, Mr. S. My dad's in jail for beating my mom, my mom's trying to make up for 16 years of indifferent parenting in between working two dead end jobs, my boyfriend has recently become attracted to your STEP DAUGHTER, I might have to share my workplace with the prom princess of Degrassi and I'm trying to make something of myself within a school that thinks I'm going to beat them up for their lunch money.

"I'm fine, Mr. S." I said looking away.

He looked unconvinced. Maybe he's not as dumb as he looks. "I know that you and Emma don't get along, but I really do want to help you. You're not dumb, Alex. If you only . . ."

"Applied myself, Mr. S?" I finished for him. "Nothing I haven't heard before. Look, you asked me to run for President and I did. One semi-social behavior at a time is all I can handle. I know you and Sean have this whole mentor/mentee thing going on, but I don't need your help. Thanks."

I walked out the door before I could see the look of disappointment in his eyes. I'm sure he means well, but Mr. Simpson clearly lives in a happy little non-existent world where everyone rides off into the sunset on their own little pony. The real world is a different planet.

I started towards the cafeteria to find Jay and escape, maybe finish up what this morning's kiss started in time to see him blow through the cafeteria doors, looking pissed off.

I started to call out to him, but a look in his eye warned me against it. He looked away and slammed through the main doors.

Whatever was going on, he somehow blamed me. Great, just great. He probably was sick of my jealous girlfriend act, which I couldn't completely blame him for. I was getting sick of it myself.

Cameron walked up then, apparently looking for Jay. "What's his deal?" he asked, looking half annoyed.

I just turned and walked back towards the M.I. lab. Suddenly food was less appealing than it had been moments before. I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything, so I might as well do homework. My life was officially pathetic.

I considered skipping, but quickly changed my mind. There was student council today, which in and of itself wasn't important, but we were discussing my suggestion to let students into dances at a discounted rate if they volunteered so many hours of time to helping set-up, clean up or planning. It wasn't exactly what I had promised in my speech, but I was trying to make school events to be open to more than just the rich Jimmy Brooks of this school.

And so I sleep walked through the afternoon, trying to figure out what had pissed Jay off so much he had skipped an entire afternoon. Believe it or not, he didn't skip that often. It was easier for him to do his "extra-curricular" activities without Raditch breathing down his neck. Plus, I think that he enjoyed teasing others too much to skip often.

Not that Jay was cruel. There was just something about the quick thinking needed to come up with the right come back in the heat of the moment that was appealing. Some people play chess; some play basketball. Me and Jay? We insulted others. With some people like Toby Isaacs, it was just too easy, like playing against a toddler. Others, like Emma Nelson, presented more of a challenge. The key was to play with everyone, whether it was easy or not.

Eventually school was over and with a quick stop at my locker I was on my way to the student council room. I started to go into the room when I saw Sean looking panicked walking down the hall. Great, just what I needed. Raditch was going to be coming by any minute and if Sean looked like that it only meant one thing. Jay was doing something stupid.

I put my hand on his shoulder and I swear to God he jumped about half a mile. If I had any doubts before, they were long gone now. Sean was up to no good and Jay was right in the middle of it.

"Alex, where'd you learn to sneak up on people like that?" he asked. He was trying to act nonchalant, but it was obvious he was still breathing heavy. I swear Sean Cameron is not cut out for this school bully crap. Seriously, Spinner Mason and Paige Michalchuk combined had less of a conscience than Sean.

I rolled my eyes. "How else do I sneak out of my house every night? My mom's on an overprotective kick right now, so it pays." I shrugged away the feeling that I had every time I told someone something personal. Time to go on the offensive. "What you doing here after school is done? Lost without your little Ellie Wellie to show you the way?"

Sean tensed. "No . . . I just forgot something," he said casually. "What are you doing here?"

Further proof that Sean was lying. One, he just let me sorta insult his girlfriend, who he is normally super, super protective of. Two, that big pause trying to think of what he was doing in school. Three he tried to deflect the conversation on to me.

"Meeting. Official Vice President business, you know," I started to move toward the student council offices. It wasn't worth my time to try and get anything out of Sean. He was as protective of Jay as he was of Ellie, even to me. Sad that he thinks he has to protect us from each other. Sadder still that it was true. Sean started to walk away and I decided to make one last ditch effort to figure out what exactly was going on.

"Cameron!" I shouted down the hall. He froze. "You haven't seen Jay, have you?"

There was a big pause before he answered. "Not since lunch, he said he was skipping out. Listen, I really gotta get that book I left in my locker," he waved down the hallway he was walking down.

Yup, he was in over-protective mode. The only question was whether he was protecting Jay from me or me from Jay.

"Hey, Cameron." He turned around reluctantly, instinctively knowing he had been caught, but I was too upset to care. "Number 1: You're a horrible liar. Two: Your locker's that way." I threw a thumb over my left shoulder and let that sink in for a minute.

He gave me this heart stricken look that almost made me apologize. He really was a good guy. He deserved better than me and Jay and his parents and his brother and everything else. He, more than anyone else at this school, deserved to live happily ever after. I gave him a little apologetic smile and went into the student council meeting.

I tried to push thoughts of Jay and Sean out of my mind. My proposal was approved and then Mr. Simpson droned on and on about the "Whack Your Brain" competition. Turns out if our trivia team won this weekend the finals would be filmed live right here at Degrassi Community School. Marco handed out responsibilities. I was in charge of securing the backstage area. Stereo-typing much? I guess I'm slightly more intimidating than Heather Sinclair, but still. Although, it shows that Marco trusts me. I mean, everyone knows what sticky fingers Jay has and there would be plenty of video equipment just lying around.

Eventually the boring part of the meeting was done.

"Hey, Alex, some of us are going over to the Dot for milkshakes. Want to come?" Marco invited.

I glanced over my shoulder to where Paige and Hazel were putting pictures up on the bulletin board. Paige had a look on her face that was beyond sad. "Actually, I have something I have to do," I told him, walking away.

If I wanted things to change, I couldn't just complain about them. I had to start with myself. And so I called Meeri and told her that Paige would make a great addition to the movie theater staff. When I got home, there was a note from my mom saying she was sorry she missed me and a plate in the oven. I ate quickly and checked the answering machine messages. Nothing from Jay.

I thought about calling his house, but thought better of it. I am not desperate. I went upstairs to start homework and the next thing I knew my alarm was going off signaling morning. I heard Mom getting up and waking for her day job, knowing it had only been five hours since she had stumbled in early this morning. In that moment I made my decision.

I would do better for myself. I would go to University; I would get a real job. I'd buy my mother a house and she could work only 8 hours a day like a normal person, not the crazy schedule she has now. And if I had to do it without Jay, I would.

I showered and got ready for school with a renewed sense of purpose. No more of this wishy washy crap. I always got what I wanted and this time would be no exception.

I walked to school, not avoiding Jay, but not looking for him either. I found him at the start of lunch, just as I reached the staircase. He was staring intently below at something. This was it. If Jay wasn't going to support my decision, well, no use wondering, I might as well find out. 'Well, here goes nothing,' I thought, putting my arms around his waist.

He turned not leaving my arms, so that we were standing face to face. He gave me that little smug smile that always leaves me a little breathless. "Just the person I was looking for."

Well, that response was more positive than I could have hoped for. So far, so good. I tried not to act surprised as I leaned in closer.

"Well, baby, how 'bout we blow this joint and catch up," I whispered in his ear. The whole perfect student decision thing didn't have to start today. No, I could wait a day if meant I got to keep Jay, too.

I felt his body shudder underneath mine. Yes, one last afternoon with extra-curricular activity before work sounded damn good.

"I think that sounds like the perfect way to spend the afternoon," Jay responded, echoing my thoughts. He turned my chin so that I was looking right into his eyes and kissed me hard. We started down the stairs and towards the door when I heard the one voice that could ruin this happy little reunion.

"Mr. Hogart, I do hope you are planning to attend your afternoon classes this afternoon," Mr. Raditch said to Jay approaching quickly. Well, that answered any question I had had yesterday. Jay had skipped out. Damn it, why couldn't he think ahead and realize that it was so much better to use a ditch day in the way I had planned? "Two days in a row and I might have to take some action that neither of us would enjoy," Mr. Raditch continued. I didn't believe him. I think he got some sick enjoyment out of punishing students. Why else would he do it so often?

"I doubt that," Jay said so softly only I could hear him. Although I agreed, why couldn't he just say these things to himself?

"What was that?" Mr. Raditch asked, staring Jay down.

"I said," Jay started in his 'you don't scare me' voice. Men and their stupid pride. I dug my nails into his arm, trying to signal it wasn't worth the fight. He gave me a glare, but changed his tone. "I said, 'yes, sir.'"

"Thank you. Jayson, Alexandra, enjoy your lunch." Mr. Raditch nodded at us like we had just agreed to 'Clean the ravine' or something.

"Damn it," Jay swore softly rubbing his arm.

I laughed. He wanted to take on the frickin' principal, but God forbid I scratched him a little. What a wuss!

"Big baby," I said, playfully hitting his arm. I hadn't laughed with Jay in a long time. I missed it more than I had known.

"Well, maybe there's a way to make this afternoon more interesting," Jay said, nodding at Rick and Toby who were headed toward the cafeteria.

I rolled my eyes. Jay would be Jay. "Just don't get caught," I cautioned. Detention for a week or so would ruin any chance of that hot afternoon in the near future. It was such a pain in the ass trying to coordinate his detentions with my work schedule. Thank goodness Raditch only tried Saturday detention that one time or else it would have been impossible.

"I never get caught," Jay responded, nibbling at my ear. I suppressed a laugh.

"Come on, outlaw, let's get something to eat, since we're not going to be otherwise occupied for a while at least." I walked towards the cafeteria, dragging him by the strap of his bag.

"Fine. Just promise not to feed me." Jay held up his hands as if in an old-fashioned train hold up.

I stopped and looked back at him. What was I, his mother? "Why would I want to do something so stupid?"

Whatever stupid test he was putting me through, I must have passed, because Jay responded with another long kiss. "It's a long story. Suffice it to say that's why I love you."

I'm not much of a girly-girl, but I am female and I felt myself melt into his eyes. Jay hadn't said those words to me in a long time. "You sure about that?" I asked, unable to stop myself. Jay and I didn't do heart to heart talks and I knew I was treading very close to that invisible line.

"Yeah. I may have been distracted lately, but I have refocused," Jay told me pulling me in close, as we headed for the cafeteria. "And as soon as class is over I'll put that focus to good use."

I knew that was the closest thing I would get to an apology, but I didn't care. Jay told me loud and clear that the whole Miss Heal the World crisis was over. It was all I could do not to jump him in the front hall.

Jay headed over to where Sean was all alone. Ellie had a guidance appointment with Sauve. I know Jay thought she was a head case, but he kept himself under control. Ellie had issues, but who didn't? Plus, she was infinitely better than Sean's last girlfriend. Sean didn't have to pretend to be anything he wasn't around her. I shuddered just thinking about having to spend any amount of time with Jay, Sean and Emma together.

Lunch was . . . well, it was lunch. I enjoyed the attention Jay was giving me in playful kisses and squeezes between serious car discussion, but I just wasn't that interested in their conversation. Plus, I think Jay went out of his way to insult Degrassi and school spirit at every opportunity. Like he was testing me. I didn't say anything, but it made me think. Was I content to just be Jay's arm candy or did I want someone I could talk to about what interested me?

Before I had noticed it, lunch was almost over. "Jay, babe, Paige is starting at the theater today. I have to give her the 'what not to do or I will kill you speech' before then, so I'll catch you later," I told him standing.

"Paige? And you?" He laughed.

"It's a long story," I retorted echoing his earlier words. I walked off, noting how quickly the table cleared behind me. Sean and Jay's conversation seemed to get a lot more intense immediately after everyone left. Interesting.

"Princess, hey," I said, dropping my bag on the bench across from Paige.

I noticed with some level of amusement how quickly her friends made excuses and disappeared. "Meeri call you?" It wasn't a question so much as a statement.

"Thanks, hun, for everything," Paige started in her condescending little voice. "I knew you'd see it my way, eventually."

I interrupted, trying to keep my anger level down. "Look, we can continue this little, whatever, we have going on or we can put it aside and work together. I made the first gesture. The next is up to you. And just so we're clear; we're co-workers. I am not your friend and I am not your 'hun.' Remember that and we'll get along just fine."

I walked out as the bell rang. The rest of school passed in a blur.

Work was my get away from stress. I know, I know, escape stress in a mall job? What was I, some So Cal valley girl? Listen before you mock, however. You just did as you were told, very simple things like fill popcorn buckets and count money. Your mind could wander where it wanted to and at the end you got paid. No choices, no drama.

Well, at least no drama prior to Paige's arrival.

The girl was just not cut out for manual labor. Or remembering things. Come to think of it what could she do well?

"Drinks need ice!" I commented as she started to fill up soda without any.

"Sorry," she replied. It was her knee jerk response to everything around here. Only the 137th time she'd said it in the past 2 hours. Not that I was counting.

Paige stood there watching it pour as our lines got longer. "While it's pouring…" I reminded not so gently.

"Uh Popcorn! Right. Sorry." As she tried to squirt butter into the tub she missed and it sailed onto the floor.

"I'll wipe it up!" I interrupted before she could bring the butter machine crashing down. It would be difficult, but I didn't doubt she was capable of it. "And don't say sorry!" I continued, watching the words die on her lips. Don't be sorry, do it right.

"Enjoy your show!" I heard her comment to the leaving customers.

'What's left of it,' I added silently. I took a deep breath. Had I been this bad my first day?

"Hi, can I interest you in a-" Paige paused mid-sentence and I moved over to the soda machine to see what had made her stop so abruptly.

It was her boyfriend and his lackeys.

"What are you doing?" she asked, her tone nervous. I looked up curious. This should be interesting.

"Well I'm here to support you in your first shift wearing man-made fibers." I glared at him. Like he was one to talk about fashion. Hadn't he worn that shirt, since, I don't know Grade 8? "And I want a large popcorn." Spinner continued.

Paige went to fill the order, only to be interrupted by Spinner. "Only! Could you stop half way for butter!" Special orders are for special people. Not 'special' as in those we care about, but 'special' as in the short bus.

She started to comply when he interrupted again. "Little more." The cycle repeated itself. "Just a bit more."

"Any more and you'll get grease stains on your pants honeybee." She retorted harshly. That was more like the Paige I knew. What I didn't understand was why his friends were just standing there, letting him be an ass. Especially Marco. I thought he was different.

'And that,' I told myself, 'is why I don't ever want to be popular. Honesty, good-bye!'

"Okay, so a quarter more popcorn," Spinner continued his inane directions, undeterred by Paige's snapping at him. I glared at him, trying not to slap the smug bastard. I may not like Paige, but no one deserved to put up with this jerk, let alone date him. "And a smidge of more butter!"

"Good girl." He complemented her as I would have a well-trained dog.

Finally one of Paige's so-called friends spoke up. "That's nice," Craig remarked. Although, I didn't think Craig was an expert on how to treat a girlfriend, I suddenly respected him a little bit more than I had a moment ago.

"No. It's good training," Spinner continued with the dog analogy as he walked away.

Still Paige said nothing.

Before long, the evening movie rush was over and we started cleaning up. I was wary of telling Paige to do anything, certain I'd have to re-do it myself, so I sent her to clean the table top outside the booth where we had napkins and condiments, far from anything expensive.

"Wanna check to see if I cleaned the nacho sludge thingy right?" She asked, interrupting my own counter wiping.

I opened the top and looked inside. Not perfect, but acceptable. "The fact that you, Paige, did it at all is amazing," I remarked. I hadn't meant for it to come out so condescending, but there it was.

Paige took it in stride. "No worse than clearing my brother's hair out of the bath tub," she smiled. Ah, yes. I think Dylan Michalchuk had more hair products than any male outside of Fabio.

I reached into the candy drawer and tossed her a bag of skittles. Paige was trying and that was worth a lot.

"Thanks," she said looking surprised.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. If I was going to work with her, I had to respect her a little at least. "Thought we hired you…not your boyfriend? Real sweet guy!" I commented. Coming from me, I'm sure she thought it was a bit rich. Jay could be an ass, but he treated me a hell of a lot better than what I had just witnessed. Usually.

"The jerk you just experienced is usually a little less of a jerk," she explained. I wanted to shake her. After everything that went down with Rick, Paige was last person I thought would let her boyfriend abuse her. Sure, he didn't hit her, but sometimes words hurt deeper.

As long as it was sharing time, I continued. "Not that I'd ever admit this but I used to be scared of you." It was true. Paige moved people around like pieces on her own little chess board. As much as I acted like I didn't care what people thought of me, I knew that wasn't entirely true. And Paige seemed like she could influence all of Degrassi some days. Most days.

Paige scoffed. "Please! I'm so not scary."

"No. You're a coward and a suck because if my boyfriend showed up here and treated me that way I'd be shopping for a new boyfriend." There. I got that off my chest. But as I returned to cleaning up, I realized that I didn't feel any better. Because it wasn't entirely true.

Jay treated me like an accessory most of the time. Not abusive, but not really attentive either. Just something that was there whenever he needed to release some tension and then recently pushed aside whenever a certain leggy blonde decided to grace us with her presence. And like a fool I had taken him back without even a real apology. So who was the real coward? Paige? Or me?


	12. Mr Simpson: Sweet Child O'Mine Guns N'R...

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to put this up, real life intruded. Thank you to all those who reviewed the last chapter. I'm glad you enjoyed Alex's viewpoint, especially because I have the most trouble getting inside her head. The first part of Time Stands Still follows, probably someone a little different than you were expecting, but I promise to have the usual suspects: Jay, Emma, Toby, Sean coming up shortly.**

**As for the chapter below, I don't own Degrassi or Guns N'Roses and I've never claimed to. As always, read and review, but most importantly, enjoy!**

I can't tell you the exact moment when I decided to become a teacher, but everyday there were a thousand moments that reaffirmed the decision. It wasn't because of some Hollywood ideal of being "noble" as Caitlin's ex, Keith, once labeled it, but the real times when you made a difference. Like helping Sean out last year to keep his student welfare. He was such a good kid in such a bad situation; it tore your heart out. Granted, I wish he hadn't fallen in with a klepto crowd and stolen my lap top while I was at death's door, but the fact that he admitted it and tried to actually make amends told me that I had been right about him at heart.

It did illustrate another thing I loved about teaching – the surprises. You never quite knew what to expect, for better or worse.

And then there were the times when you just wanted to take a student by the shoulders and shake some sense into them. I knew I had probably been just as infuriating when I was a student here. I hated to think what Mr. Raditch thought about Joey and Wheels and me.

It seemed that this new generation was just a mix of familiar faces and stories from my own high school experience. I mean, yes, there were new issues and toys, like cell phones and the internet, but it seemed that the junior high problems were universal.

I didn't used to be this introspective, but I guess being a parent changes things.

I wasn't just talking about Jack. I loved Emma as if she was my own daughter and was definitely as challenged by her as any father of a teenage daughter. It made me wonder how my life would have been different if I had taken Snake to the graduation semi-formal like we originally had planned. Maybe I would have watched Emma grow up. I didn't think that I could be any more proud of Emma than I had over recent years watching how she rebounded so quickly from the episode with the cyber-stalker, modifying her science project last minute to win the prize, standing up to Mr. Raditch – she really was the golden child every parent dreams of. But her newest project, trying to see beyond Rick's past even in the face of opposition showed how strong she really was.

My own recent wake up call/brush with death/life-changing illness reminded me that life was far too short and I hated watching the way some of my students were spending their youth. Which is exactly why I put Jimmy Brooks on the trivia team this morning. Yes, he actually had geography and sports answers to most questions, but so did any number of students that had tried out for the Whack Your Brain team.

When I approached Jimmy and Rick about to face off in the hallway, I had choices. I could use the Ms. Kwan approach and punish them into following the rules by fear or I could use the Mr. Raditch approach and look the other way. I chose the patented think-outside-the-box, Archie Simpson approach and tried to make a difference.

I still could have a disaster in the making, but I trusted Jimmy. In fact, I've discovered that teenage boys, when separated from 'the pack' are actually not the evil creatures they are made out to be. I'd like to say I have a lot of scientific research to back this up, but really it's just my own experience and experiences teaching. Granted I knew enough to know that Emma shouldn't be alone with a boy until she was 45 or older, but I'm getting off topic.

When Mr. Raditch called me to the office about the "Whack Your Brain" topic, I was cautiously hopeful. Emma had told me that Rick was going to talk to him about including Jimmy, because he felt threatened, but given a chance I was sure I could plead my case effectively. It might mean that maybe he was finally going to do something about the obscene level of bullying that I and everyone else saw Rick dealing with on a daily basis. Considering this student was going to be one of four representing our school on TV, one would think Dan would want him to feel included. Daniel Raditch seemed to never have time for most things anymore, but I had a feeling somehow, the idea of a bad post-game show interview might actually force him to take some action.

"Mr. Simpson, Archie, thanks for coming down," he greeted motioning at the chair across from his desk.

If he wanted me to sit down, that had to be a good sign for Rick and more importantly the Degrassi school culture. "I wanted to thank you, Dan," I started, seating myself. "I know that you don't like to micromanage, but I'm glad you're taking time to work on this trivia team conflict. While I think school pride will go a long way to helping students see Rick Murray in a new light after tomorrow's finals, I really think that having such a visible, popular student such as Jimmy Brooks working along side Rick Murray will help students follow his example. It's the missing piece." I explained.

"Mr. Simpson, I called you down here to discuss logistics regarding the live broadcast throughout the school, not to deal with personality conflicts," Dan moved papers on his desk, not looking me in the eye. "I don't have time to hold the hands of every student in this school as they make new friends."

"I'm sorry, Emma told me that Rick was going to meet with you and I assumed," I was flabbergasted.

"Well, sorry to disappoint your step-daughter. I think that her helping Mr. Murray regain some social status is admirable, but not really my concern. In fact, I told her so last week." Mr. Raditch looked up as he marginalized my daughter and I felt the sudden urge to shake my boss back to reality as I often did with my students. "I just wanted to make sure the live feed is ready to go for all the classrooms. I know as coach you have a lot on your mind, but you are still the Degrassi tech expert. I would hate to have anything go wrong tomorrow. We want to put our best foot forward on television. I even hear the Northern's principal Mr. LaFleur will be on hand, so I don't want to be embarrassed."

I stood up abrubtly. "The tech stuff is all set up. Marco set up student council roles for the television crew weeks ago and the computer club is helping with the small details of the school connection."

"Thank you." He stood as well and turned away, dismissing me without words. I started to the door, suddenly angry. I took a deep breath before I opened it, fighting the urge to slam it behind me. "Oh, Archie?" Mr. Raditch called me back.

"Dan?" I asked, barely turning.

"This Jimmy Brooks/Rick Murray thing won't show in their play tomorrow, right? We don't want the Northern students or parents to think we can't even find four students who get along in the whole school!" He commented.

I turned and left his office without a word, not even caring if the door slammed. I would hear about it later, no doubt, but I was beyond caring at this point and also almost late for the last minute practice to get Jimmy ready for tomorrow.

I didn't know which part of teaching was worse, trying to deal with students' attitudes or administrative politics?

By the time I reached the practice room, Emma and Rick were already there. Emma looked almost grateful to see me. She had been acting a bit skittish lately, ever since last week when she hadn't waited for me in the lab like she had said she would. The door had been locked up alright, but one computer was still in defrag mode and when I got home she had avoided my questions. Spike later told me she had come home in tears.

I wondered, not for the first time, if helping Rick was eating at her more than she cared to admit. Dan had said that he spoke to Emma last week about Rick Murray and I didn't doubt he had probably insulted her several times. Maybe that was the missing piece to the computer lab/tears mystery? The thought of that pompous jerk making my daughter cry almost made me walk back into his office and tell him exactly what I thought of him, but I didn't really have time to dwell on it, because Jimmy arrived almost at my heels.

"Okay, let's take our seats and then we'll get started as soon as Toby gets here," I said, putting down my bag and looking for the trivia questions I had stashed in the outer pocket.

I looked up to see Rick was trying to engage Emma in conversation while Jimmy stared at his watch. Off to a great start!

"Has anyone even seen Toby today?" I asked.

Emma looked perplexed. "He was with me, but said he needed to pick up something from his locker. I'm sure he'll be here in a moment."

"Alright, then. Emma can you give Jimmy the run down of the basics while I try and find the latest and greatest in trivia puzzles," I said, indicating my laptop case that had papers coming out in all directions.

I could hear Emma chime in with the various rules although Jimmy seemed less than impressed with proper buzzer etiquette. Rick was sitting there staring blankly at the table. I finally gathered my cards together in time to see Toby walk in the door.

"Ah! Our high tech genius has arrived" I announced, unnecessarily as the room silenced when Toby walked in. I soon noticed the cause, "…and he's bleeding." I finished, my tone serious.

"Skateboard accident. I'm fine." I could barely hear him through the paper he held against his lip, but his monotone suggested he was lying.

I turned toward the door throwing up my hands. "I'll get you some ice." If Toby didn't want to tell me the truth there wasn't a whole lot I could do. I knew better than to push.

I walked to the faculty room shaking my head and saw Sean loitering near Jay's locker a can of some kind of cleaner in his hand.

"Sean. What are you doing still here?" I asked. He started shifting from one foot to the other, hands deep in his pockets.

"I'm just waiting for Jay, Mr. Simpson," he said, still not looking at me. Sean always looked me in the eyes. Well, since he had confessed to laptop theft, at least.

"Toby just showed up for 'Whack Your Brain' with a bloody lip, Sean," I told him and his eyes quickly met mine. He just as quickly averted them. "So you don't know anything about that."

"What are you saying Mr. Simpson?" He looked up at me, not looking angry, so much as defensive. "Toby and I aren't friends anymore, but I would never . . ."

I held my hands up in the surrender gesture. "I'm not saying you would. I'm just saying that maybe you should remember that every action causes a reaction. I'd hate for things to get out of hand like they did last year." I could tell that Sean wasn't in the mood to listen. Or at least, not in the mood to admit he was listening. "Sean . . ." I started.

He kept looking over his shoulder as if worried someone would catch us talking, still trying to pretend I wasn't there.

"Never mind. Toby needs ice," I sighed, giving up and continuing to the faculty room. When I returned to the trivia room there was an awkward silence and no one would look at each other. Well, this was off to a great start!

"Let's not waste any time, shall we?" I said handing off the bag of ice and starting firing questions. Emma and Toby both seemed a little out of it, although I can imagine it was hard for Toby to talk with the right side of his face numb.

"Which poem ends with a line 'and miles to go before I sleep'?" I asked, using my best quiz show voice, some time later.

brrring "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening. Robert Frost." Rick answered confidently. I could almost see the respect grow in Jimmy's eyes with each answer. Oh, how I loved being right!

"Correct. Which element represented by Te has also been known to cause garlic breath?" I asked.

brrring "Tellurium!" Rick answered.

"Bingo. And one last question from the world of sports! Which team has suffered the most consecutive super bowl losses?" I could see Rick's hand twitch above the bell as he mouthed the correct answer, but he looked at Jimmy, instead, trying to make his new teammate feel included. Why couldn't his classmates see what a good kid he was at heart? Anger management issues, undoubtedly, but he didn't deserve the abuse he went through every day.

brrring "Buffalo Bills." Jimmy's answer sounded more like a question, but it was right.

"Four time losers. No wins!" I replied, again with my 'big' voice.

"Utility perfected." Rick commented, although everyone in the room knew he could answer just about any question all by himself.

The students started to file out. "Emma, give me ten minutes and I'll give you a ride home, okay," I told her.

"Sure thing," she called out, going through the door Toby held open for her.

Well, the 'Whack Your Brain' team would do fine tomorrow, I just hoped that most students would follow Jimmy's example and lighten up on Rick after seeing how well he represented his school. He wasn't a champion wrestler, but it would be televised and that had to help. Hopefully, too, Sean had been listening and he could be a good influence on his friends as well. I knew that while Sean wouldn't go out of his way to stop anyone from bullying Rick, he was loyal to a fault. He still considered Toby a friend and wouldn't want him to get caught in any crossfire between Rick and whoever was targeting him.

Now all I had to worry about was Emma. Spike had asked me to keep an eye on her after last week's teary incident, but I had been so busy with logistics for the tv crew I hadn't really had a chance. After to talking to Daniel Raditch, it was even more of a priority.

I had just retrieved my papers to grade from my office when Emma appeared. She once again looked upset.

"I think your mom was planning on making that broccoli tofu stir fry for dinner that you like so much," I said, holding the front door open for her. "The one with the peanut sauce."

"Sounds great," Emma's voice was soft and unenthusiastic.

I waited until we got into the car to say anything more. As we left the Degrassi parking lot however, I let it out. "Em, is there something bothering you? I want you to feel you can talk to me."

"I'm fine, really." Emma wasn't very convincing.

"If this is about what happened to Toby . . . Do you know something about that?" I asked her.

"I have a guess. Dad, don't take this the wrong way, but you're still my teacher. I can't tell you about this." She shrugged helplessly, turning to look out the window.

"Emma, you know that as a teacher I have certain responsibilities. Legal obligations even, about certain things that happen at Degrassi. But if it doesn't cross those lines, I will keep your secrets." I tried one last time. "You once told me we should have no more secrets when I was going through chemo. That your mom and I shouldn't try and protect you. Do you remember that?"

Emma nodded slowly and I took that as my cue to continue.

"No more secrets goes both ways, Em. You can't hold everything inside. What's bothering you?" Well, that was subtle. I had promised Spike I would try and I was laying it all on the line.

"Manny and I are fighting. It's harder than I thought standing up to everyone about Rick," Emma admitted softly, before lifting her head, perfect smile in place. "But I'm just stressing over this 'Whack Your Brain' thing, really. As soon as the whole competition is over and the stress is gone, I'll be fine. Back to normal, happy, perfect me. I promise."

I looked at her. "Emma. You don't ever have to pretend to be anything you're not at home or with me. Or your mother. I know things have been crazy with trivia lately, but for good or bad it will be over tomorrow. Don't stress." I chuckled softly. "For a minute I thought you and Sean were up to your old tricks again, driving each other crazy."

Emma stiffened at the mention of Sean's name which confirmed for me that she hadn't _exactly_ told me everything. It was a start though and I knew better than to push.

I wanted to pull the car over and hug her tightly telling her that if her mom and I had survived as Degrassi teenagers anyone could, but I just kept driving.


	13. Emma: Somebody's Watching Me Rockwell

**A/N Sorry that it took me so long to get this up. The combination of holidays, real life and writers' block made this a ridiculously long time in the making. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I really do appreciate all the feedback and the words of encouragement (Adri –that is a scary coincidence, I'm glad someone actually likes 80's music besides me!). Thanks also to Krystle, who helped me overcome the said dreaded writer's block (and happy belated birthday!).**

**I hope you like my take on Emma during TSS. I know others have written on this topic and I hope my interpretation doesn't feel stale or repetitive.**

'I am not wrong,' I told myself as I stared at the ceiling of my basement room, trying to steal a few precious moments before having to wake up and face the hell that was school lately. Emma Nelson couldn't be wrong. I staked far too much on my beliefs and doing the 'right' thing to have that right thing not be, well, right. Great, now I can't even form coherent thoughts! On some level I knew I wasn't omnipotent, all knowing -- not that I would ever admit that. I was far too stubborn, which led to most of my problems over the years.

I mean, how many of the truly major fights I'd had with Manny could have been toned down or avoided entirely if I hadn't been so convinced that the issues were completely black and white and I was pulling her away from the 'dark side?' Not to mention everything with Sean . . .

Not that it hadn't been an extremely helpful coping device over the years, especially last year. Last year rocked my entire foundations – no, shattered them. Finding my father only to find the happy little fantasy about him not knowing how to find me was true, just not the entire story. Adjusting to a new baby in the house, not to mention a step-father, well, father. And just when you've got all that down, Ms. Nelson, we're going to give your new family a life-threatening illness to deal with. Really, the fight with Manny and the unbelievably nasty break up with Sean had seemed relatively minor in comparison. Who would remember high school boyfriends in a few years? I shoved away the sneaking suspicion that I would never forget Sean Cameron, reminding myself that your family was forever. If I hadn't been able to hold tightly onto the knowledge that I was right and that everyone would eventually realize it and come to me, apologies ready, well, who knows what might have happened. . .

I shushed the tiny voice in the back of my head that told me if it hadn't been for that stubbornness I wouldn't have fought with Manny and Sean in the first place. That I could have faced my crises with best friend and boyfriend support systems intact.

While that might have been true for Manny, Sean was a different story entirely, I knew that. He had his own self-esteem issues that only he could fix. Nothing I could say or do could convince him that he was good enough for me; it was something he had to figure out on his own. My being busy was just an excuse for him to vent his fear that I felt the same way. That he wasn't as important to me as I was to him because I thought he was beneath me. That I didn't have time to spend with him because he wasn't worth it, not because my world was falling apart. Which is, of course, ridiculous.

But that didn't mean it didn't hurt. Especially seeing him happy with Ellie. Had he merely settled for someone that he felt was in his league? Or had he finally worked out his issues and seen me for the fraud I was? I didn't know which answer would be worse. I was afraid to find out.

This year had been nothing but a slow realization that not only I was not always right, but lately I was never right! This entire year . . .

My students against violence campaign had almost caused a riot, my attempt to be more popular and have friends had merely driven Manny away and lost Liberty's friendship in the process, my whatever with Jay . . . I didn't even want to think about that.

Yes, I had judged him, and judged him harshly from Day 1, although I knew nothing about him other than Sean had chosen him over me and that he stole things. I had never had to really worry about money, my mom wasn't rich, but she and I had gotten by. I guess I never thought that people might have reasons to steal beyond selfish ones.

All the same, Sean had chosen him. And while for a while I'll admit I was obsessed with getting Sean back, I had gotten over that. Yet Jay had still singled me out for teasing. What was I supposed to think? That he was using 2nd grade flirting methods because he was madly in love with me? As if!

Jay's outburst, although violent and drunken and maybe not entirely deserved, had made me rethink all the assumptions I'd sort of taken for granted. I mean, most of the time I still saw Paige as the evil cheerleader clone who manipulated others. If JT liked her there had to be more there. I had pegged Toby as not worth my time beyond friendship. While I couldn't quite get myself to view Alex in an unbiased light -- she had done nothing but make my life miserable because she didn't like -- what was it again? Oh yeah. 'My voice, my clothes, my holier than thou attitude, me.' I could do more to get to know individuals and not labels.

Of course I wouldn't tell Jay that. I had kept my promise to Toby and kept away from Jay. He hadn't said anything to me since that day, not even to tease.

It's not like I didn't see him, as he seemed to instinctively know where Rick was at any time of day and I was often with Rick as the Whack Your Brain finals approached . . . OH MY GOODNESS!

"MOM!" I shouted running up the stairs. "I forgot, today's the TV taping at school! I'm going to be late!"

"Emma, calm down, I don't want to wake your brother," Mom said, placing her hands on both my shoulders. "Snake went to get the TV equipment set up. He said to take your time getting to school, that first period was excused for you and your teammates."

I let out a huge sigh and started fiddling with my hair. "Mom, do you think my outfit's too much? Not enough? I'm going to be on TV! Where's my flashcards? I don't want to look stupid in front of all of Canada!" My voice rose with each consecutive sentence until I was practically screaming.

"Em, you look beautiful and I'm pretty sure you've already memorized every flash card in the bunch. Between you and Archie, I'm starting to feel like I live in trivial pursuit!" Mom looked straight into my eyes like she was trying to memorize my face. "I'm proud of you, Em. You know that right? No matter what happens today at that game show, you are my intelligent, gorgeous baby girl always."

"Mo-om," I whined, but gave her my secret smile. Since Baby Jack was born, my mom's been super mushy. Not that she wasn't always somewhat sentimental, but this was a whole new level.

I started towards the door grabbing my bag, when the mushiness got to me too. I ran back and gave my mom a big hug. "Thanks," I whispered in her ear. "Wish me luck!" I called out as I walked out the door.

"You don't need luck!" Mom called back. I turned and looked at her. "Fine, break a leg, Em. Happy?"

"Estatic! Love ya!" and with that I was out the door and on my way to Degrassi.

I was walking up the steps when I heard someone calling out. "Hey!" Rick ran up the stairs slightly out of breath. "My thoughts are on sale today. Two for a penny. You can pay me later."

"Okay," I responded nodding.

"Um, thank you for talking to me, you know about Jimmy. When you speak, I listen. You're my guide." Rick was staring at me with this strange look. Okay, what do you say to something like that? You're welcome?

I smiled, awkwardly. "Well I'm glad things worked out. I knew you'd make friends." I turned and walked away quickly trying to avoid further conversation.

Lately, I had begun to wonder if Jay hadn't been right about more than just my stereotyping others. Maybe Rick was taking my sticking up for him too seriously. He was beginning to seriously freak me out. Yesterday during practice I think he had been trying to ask me out before my dad walked in and now there was this awkward little exchange out front. I was 'his guide?'

I didn't want to hurt Rick's feelings, but at the same time, I wasn't interested in him. We were teammates, yes and we shared a mutual friend in Toby, but that was the beginning and the end of our relationship. I was going to have to be more careful from now on to make sure I didn't give him the wrong impression.

I didn't have time to think of much else, because before I knew it I was standing in front of a podium. Dad gave us a little pep talk I think, but the lights were bright in my eyes and I couldn't concentrate.

"Good morning folks and welcome to the world's favorite quiz show. We are back to attack your cranium and," the host began.

"WHACK YOUR BRAIN!" The audience screamed. Looking into the crowd I noticed Jay and Alex and Spinner all there in a row about halfway back. I thought that the studio audience had been hand-picked by Raditch to ensure there would be 'no trouble' along the lines of what had happened during the election speeches. Yet sitting right there was the person who had caused said trouble.

"You got your boy Joe; we got a good game for you today. Northern High is getting ready to go up against Degrassi CS. Both these teams are ready, let's not waste any more time," the announcer droned on.

What was Jay doing here? Did he realize that he had been right about Rick and reversed on his decision to avoid me? Was he just trying to get back at me by making me uncomfortable while on TV?

"Hands on buzzers. Here we go. In what Canadian city was the telephone invented?" the announcer continued.

The sound of a buzzer to my right jarred me out of my thoughts. I was suddenly aware that I was standing on stage on National TV obsessing about a person that I had basically told to go to hell and who had responded by almost pounding me against a locker. Focus, Emma.

"That'd be Brantford, Ontario," Rick answered.

"You're on the board! Culture. Name the spicy, Spanish vegetable soup, usually served chilled!" The announcer asked.

Toby buzzed in this time. "Uh Gazpacho!"

"Good job. Science. What scientific instrument cuts very thin slices for examination by a microscope?" was the next question.

"A microtone!" the small boy from Northern answered. I knew that, why couldn't I concentrate? Because every time you look straight ahead you see Jay smirking at you and every time you look to the right Rick shoots you a little wink. Right.

"You're on the board! Geography. What is the geographical term for land between areas of permanent snow and the tree line in arctic regions?" The announcer said. I looked between Jimmy and Rick helplessly as they stared at me. Yes, Jimmy was our geography 'expert,' but wasn't I the environmentalist? What was the term?

"Tundra?" the Northern boy, Mick, answered again. Well, the Sierra Club is totally going to revoke my membership.

"Good job. Sports. In tennis what term describes the ball touching the net and falling into the opponent's court?" The announcer even seemed to turn to Jimmy on this one.

"Let."

"Good job! Degrassi has 30 points!" The announcer complimented. Yeah, one right question from everyone but me. I could see my dad giving me 'the don't worry, two thumbs up' face. Great, one more place my eyes should avoid. I took to staring at the announcer unwaveringly, but in the mass of questions that followed, I can only remembering answering one. "Franz Ferdinand" was going to be the total of my on-screen speaking in my first ever TV appearance. Well, I guess Caitlin Ryan had nothing to fear from this up and coming young environmentalist. The TV forum was all hers.

Before I knew it, the announcer was announcing the last question. Somehow, despite my blonde moments, we were only one right answer away from a tie.

"Good job. Northern 180 points! Degrassi right there with 170 points! Just a reminder, in case of a tie each team will select one player to compete in the final lightning round. Hands on buzzers please. Your last category: sports. Name the first golfer to win the British and US opens in the same year. Anyone?" The announcer prompted.

We all looked at Jimmy, but he looked as lost as I did.

The buzz came from my right again. "Bobby Jones?" Rick asked, sounding less than confident for the first time all day.

"Tie game! A short break. When we come back the final lightening round! Don't go anywhere!" The announcer told the audience in studio and at home, but I was too busy smiling. My brain damage wouldn't hurt my team and my school.

I leaned over and gave Toby a high five, hearing Jimmy ask Rick, "You're gonna take that, right?"

"Yeah!" Rick responded. I reached over to squeeze his hand in support for a moment, but he wouldn't give me my hand back.

I extricated my fingers as quickly as I could, forcing a smile. We were still on stage. As soon as this trivia show was over I had to do something, before someone got hurt.

I was so caught up in my thoughts on how I could approach Rick after the show, I basically missed the entire break. Of course the chance that I could run into my Dad or Jay if I stepped off stage also influenced that decision somewhat. Before long, the lights were back on and it was on with the show. The kid from Northern, Mick, went first. I couldn't tell you a single question that was asked.

"Time! Northern with 40 points! Good job! Degrassi, who's up?" the announcer asked.

As Rick walked by, he paused to whisper in my ear, "This is all for you." I tried to keep my smile in place, I was, after all, still on TV, but I couldn't help a feeling of dread creep through me. I think that whole 'before someone gets hurt' idea was already too late. Rick had, overnight it seemed, gone from a friend to an obsessed stalker.

Had it really been overnight, though? I was aware of questions being asked and answered, but right now, trivia was the LAST thing on my mind. Jay had come to me last week and if he had noticed something, then it had to have been going on before then. Had I merely ignored warning signs?

More importantly what was I going to do? I didn't have the best track record of letting guys down gently. The first time with Sean didn't go over so well and I apparently hadn't ever convinced Toby I wasn't interested. And the Chris thing had been a total disaster. Not that it worked out any better when guys dumped me a la Sean part two.

All of a sudden I was engulfed in a giant Jimmy bear hug. "Emma! We did it! We won!" Toby shouted from behind me.

Sure enough, the announcer was screaming, "Degrassi wins, Degrassi wins!"

I couldn't keep the smile off my face. Sure, today I had been ineffectual at best, but I had worked really hard to get the team to the finals in the first place. Or so I told myself.

My smile disappeared as a stream of yellow paint fell from above all over Rick followed by floating yellow feathers. Not quite the tarring and feathering of old, but close enough. I looked to see Alex return to her seat, a satisfied smile on her face.

Jay wasn't openly laughing, but he had this knowing grin. Well, that explains why they had shown up. And to think I had thought it was because . . . it didn't matter what I thought, because Rick just lowered his head and walked slowly off stage. I have never seen anything as sad in my life.

"Dad!" I called. Mr. Simpson was talking to the principal from Northern and the quiz show host, it looked like he was apologizing, but he excused himself to come over to the edge of the stage. "Dad, can you get me the trophy? I'm going to go after Rick."

"Emma, are you sure about this? He may want some time alone." My dad looked wary.

"Dad! Please. I want him to know that not everyone's laughing," I explained.

"Okay, Em, hold on." Dad walked over to where the announcer was and returned with a large trophy. "It doesn't say Degrassi on it yet, but it might still help. Good luck, Em."

"Thanks!" I said, running off. I caught up to Rick rather quickly, he was still doing his rather slow walk.

"Rick! Rick!" I called, running up to him. He wouldn't turn. "What happened…it only makes the people that did it look totally juvenile."

He turned slowly. "They ruined it Emma. They're life ruiners. Everyone laughing."

I didn't realize he had taken this trivia thing so seriously. Life ruiners? Wasn't that going a bit far? Being beat up by your dad: yes. Having to deal with a pregnancy in school and the fall out: yes. Being date raped: yes. A prank, even one that was televised was not quite the same. He looked so sad, though.

"But nobody's ever gonna forget who won! Who is the smartest guy in the whole school, in the whole city!" I tried to reassure him. It was true; he was an amazingly intelligent when it came to totally irrelevant facts.

He looked at me with this totally blank look and then grabbed my arm and the back of my head roughly, pulling me in for a kiss. Suddenly I was twelve again. '_One noise and I'll tape your mouth and I don't think you'd want that_,' I heard a voice whisper in my head.

NO! I pulled away, sharply.

"Rick! What are you doing!" I screamed. I couldn't get him to let go of my arm. _'I've been dreaming about this over and over and over again, waiting . . .' _"Let go!" I yelled swinging my arm wildly in an attempt to get free.

My heart was racing so fast and I couldn't stop flashing back to that hotel room. The video equipment, the way Jordan had been touching me – NO! I had successfully forgotten about that night and I refused to remember it now.

Rick looked at me confused. "I thought you loved me!"

"I felt sorry for you. I pitied you." My voice was raspy as I tried to keep from hyperventilating. I shoved the trophy at him and backed away quickly. "Get a clue!" I said harshly, trying to regain control of the situation. I backed further away wiping off my hands. I looked up at Rick. He looked harmless standing there staring at me, but my mind was still flashing back and forth between the summer before Grade 7 and the moment a few moments ago. '_Emma, you smell so sweet_,' Jordan's voice whispered inside my head. I ran quickly away, trying not to cry, and ran right smack into Jay.

"Woah, where's the fire?" He said, holding my forearms to keep me from falling. His eyes roamed up and down my body, like he was sizing me up and I had to fight from getting sick right there.

"Don't TOUCH me!" I screamed jerking away. "I hope you're happy. With everything."

"Emma!" I heard him call after me, but I ran into the washroom, trying to control my breathing. What had just happened? I concentrated on getting the paint stain out of my top, pushing every feeling down.

When I finished, I looked up, surprised at how normal I looked. Well, if there was one thing being a semi-social outcast had taught me, it was how to keep feelings locked up until you were off school property.

As I left the washroom, I heard someone call my name.

"Emma!" It was Toby.

"Hey, Tobes. Crazy day, huh?" I smiled awkwardly.

"Yeah, I think Rick went home for the day. Raditch came in after you left the auditorium. Did you catch up to Rick?" Toby asked.

"Mmmh-hmm" I nodded, not trusting words at that moment.

"Good. I'm sure you helped him with everything. I'm going to go find a table outside. Why don't you get your lunch and meet us out there?" Toby invited.

Well, not like I had anything better to do and I didn't want to be alone right then. "Sure. I'll meet you there." I grabbed my lunch from my locker and went outside to where Toby and JT were sitting with Liberty's little brother.

Danny immediately made some sort of cheesy pick up line and I shuddered, trying to push down the images that flashed through my brain. 'Come on, Emma,' I told myself. 'Ignore him.' Toby moved to make room for me and I sent him a small smile of thanks.

I sat in the space Toby had vacated silently and opened Mom's best Tupperware. I wasn't really hungry, I just poked at the left over tofu stir-fry from last night listening to JT and Danny talk about some stupid television show as they played dominoes.

"Yeah, well, at least my television debut doesn't have me talking about some 'dawg all up in my fries,'" Toby joked. That got my attention.

"They can't air the quiz show, Toby," I told him.

"Yes, they can. They just cut before the paint pours on Rick," he rationalized.

"Which is now officially my new _favorite_ mental image!" JT announced.

I shot him a dirty look. I guess JT would never grow up.

"You know what! You wouldn't think it was so funny if it happened to you," Toby shot back at him.

"I would!" Danny added laughing. Seriously, why did JT and Toby hang around this Grade 7 reject? "And speaking of hysterical images…" he said, looking over my shoulder.

I turned and noticed Rick walking back towards school, the same slow walk he had been using earlier. I fought back a shudder.

"What's Rick doing back at school? I should go talk to him…" Toby said, looking to me as if expecting me to join him. I looked at him quickly, then back down at the tofu that was now mashed beyond all recognition.

"Go right ahead," I said, refusing to turn around again. Jordan's face flashed in front of me once again and I fought back a shudder.

Toby shot JT one more look as he went over to talk to Rick. I wanted to say something to JT, too, but I didn't trust my voice.

Danny and JT kept cracking these inane jokes about painted yellow chickens in the school and eventually I got up, disgusted. I looked quickly to check and saw Rick was no longer standing at the entrance.

"Real mature, JT," I said, regaining my normal tone as I returned to school.

Rick wasn't in English with Ms. Kwan, but I can imagine he wouldn't want to run into Spinner any time soon. I spent the entire period, peeking at the door, afraid he would come in suddenly. I guess I would have to get some notes on 1984 from Toby later.

When the bell rang between classes, I walked towards my locker, cautiously, afraid to run into Rick or Jay again. I only had so much time to get the stuff I needed.

"Emma!" I jumped about a mile in the air and spun, only to see Toby standing behind me.

"Toby!" I placed a hand over my chest. "You scared me." I turned back around to my locker, so he wouldn't see how shaken I still was. 'Pull it together, Em,' I told myself.

"Emma, why didn't you come with me to talk to Rick? He could really use a friend right now," Toby lectured me.

I rolled my eyes. This was a switch. "I talked to him earlier. It was your turn," I rationalized, trying not to think about what would happen the next time I saw Rick. The longer I put that off, the better. I needed to reseal the dam of memories that flooded through me every time I saw or even thought of Rick Murray.

"Wow. Some friend, Emma. I thought you at least cared enough to tell me the truth," he said, walking away.

I slammed my locker open and closed my eyes tightly, counting to ten, trying to get rid of the anger inside. It didn't work. "Like you tell me the truth?" I accused, walking over to him.

"What does that mean?" Toby looked confused.

"What really happened to your lip yesterday?" I asked, leaning on the locker next to him.

He looked away. "It was nothing."

"I thought we had a deal, Toby. I stay away from Jay and so do you," I told him.

"We did! We do . . ." Toby realized he had been caught and rushed to explain. "Look, I didn't go looking for him. Alex and Spinner and Jay were looking for Rick. I wouldn't tell them where he was, so Jay pushed my face into the fountain. I cut my lip on the metal part."

A voice from behind me cut in suddenly and I jumped again. I needed to control this scared rabbit reflex and soon. "No wonder Simpson was all over my case," Sean commented. "I figured something was up, but Jay didn't exactly tell me what happened."

"Now you're spying on me, too?" I spun around, incredulous. "Listen, Sean, Toby and I were having a private conversation, so why don't you take your Hardy Boys routine somewhere else? Just stay out of my life!"

"Emma, can something for once not be about you?" He asked angrily.

Ouch. I turned and walked to my locker without looking back. Why was it that a year later Sean still had the power to hurt me in a way no one else could?

I pulled my books out of my locker and into my bag when I heard a loud noise, like a car back-firing. Several people ran down the hall. What was going on? I walked toward the hallway, vaguely aware of Sean and Toby following behind me.

I saw Rick doing his slow walk down the hall and froze. I felt Sean stop right behind my left shoulder as Rick turned and saw us. What was in his hand? My eyes widened as I realized he was caring a gun.

"Hi, Emma. Sorry I kissed you," his voice was all one tone, like a robot. RUN! RUN! My brain was shouting, but my legs wouldn't listen; I was frozen in place. Sean could probably hear my heart beat it was pounding so loudly in my ears.

Sean placed his arm on my elbow and tugged at me gently. "He's got a gun, ok; let's go!" That slight tug shattered the ice hold that had taken over my body and I moved towards the door, following Sean.

"Don't turn away from me!" Rick screamed. I jumped at the anger in his voice and turned slowly to face him. Sean's arm still rested at my elbow and somehow it calmed me down, a little at least.

"Glad I found you Emma. You made my list," Rick's voice was back to the robot quality.

"Rick, what are you doing?" I heard Toby said from behind me.

I couldn't speak. I couldn't move, not even my eyes. All thoughts left my mind as I stared at that gun.

"You flirted with me. I thought you liked me, but that was something else," Rick continued.

I don't know if it was Sean's pressure on my arm or an unconscious reflex, but I turned toward Sean slightly. My eyes went even wider as I stared at the gun, realizing where Rick was going with all this. My lower lip wobbled unconsciously. This was not happening. It couldn't be.

"Just put the gun down ok? Anything else is just gonna make your life worse," Sean said, removing his arm from mine and moving so he was in front of me. What was he doing? I didn't say anything, though, afraid to break Sean's concentration. I'm not even sure I could have said anything if I wanted to.

"It can't get any worse," Rick responded. I could feel his eyes on me; it felt like they were boring two holes right through me.

Sean moved closer to Rick, cautiously, "Believe me it can. I know. We'll figure it all out okay?"

I wanted to pull Sean back close; my eyes were darting between the gun and his back. 'I'm not worth it!' I wanted to scream at him. But I didn't.

"Figure this all out . . ." Sean repeated softly.

"It's too late," Rick said looking right at me, determined, now.

I felt chilled to the bone and I don't know who I was more afraid for, myself or Sean.

"No," Sean protested quickly. Trying one last time to reason with Rick.

Rick pointed the gun over Sean's shoulder and right at me. "I've already shot someone," he said.

Rick seemed so determined that I let out an involuntary whimper of fear. Sean grabbed the gun by the barrel and started struggling with Rick. I placed my hand over my mouth, as if it had betrayed me.

'no no no no no No No No NO NO NO!' my mind was screaming, but no sound came out.

"Stop!" Toby screamed.

I heard the gun go off and Sean and Rick fell to the floor in a heap. I tried to scream, falling back against Toby, clutching him tightly to keep my legs from giving out, but all that came out was a strangled sob. I realized on some level that I was crying, but I couldn't focus on anything but the tangled bodies in front of me.

"Sean . . ." I called softly, afraid to move closer to the heap on the floor. This was all my fault. If he had died, because he was trying to protect me . . . The mass started moving and I held my breath, afraid of what might happen next. 'Dear God, if you exist, let Sean be okay,' I thought wildly, eyes closed tightly.

I opened them to see Sean stand up, staring at his hands. They were covered in blood. His left arm, too, was noticeably bleeding. "Toby, are you okay?"

"Yeah," Toby's voice was shaky, but audible.

"Go get help. Call someone, anyone. Rick needs an ambulance," He said, kneeling next to Rick and trying to stop the blood that was puddling. Toby ran down the hall, but I couldn't move, still shaking.

"Emma, can you hand me your jacket or a cloth or something?" Sean asked. How could he be so calm? He was trying to save the person who had almost killed both of us and I couldn't move or speak. Or was that his blood everywhere?

"Emma!" He turned this time. "Are you okay?" The concern on his face was too much for me. He had just wrestled a gun away from a psychopath to try and save my life and he was worried about _me_. I felt the edges of my vision grow fuzzy, then dark.

The next thing I knew, my mother was stroking my hair away from my face. "Emma. Emma, honey," she cooed.

"Mom?" I asked confused. I looked up at her. "I had the scariest dream ever. I was in school and . . ." I sat up and realized I was in the M.I. lab, on the couch in the back. "Mom!" I turned around, "It was a dream, wasn't it?" I asked frantically.

She looked like she was trying not to cry. I shakily walked towards the door of the lab as it opened inwards.

"Emma! You're awake!" Dad gave me the tightest hug ever in the doorway. Over his shoulder I could see police officers in the halls, some with dogs. Some with huge guns. I could hear sirens in the background.

"Sean!" I shouted, pulling back from my dad and trying to get by. Had my last words to him been 'stay out of my life?' Right before he saved it? I needed to talk to him, apologize, thank him, something!

"Emma. Em, calm down. Sean's having his statement taken by the police right now. He's fine," Dad told me. "We brought you in here because you fainted and I thought you would be more comfortable."

I backed up until I was sitting on one of Dad's rolling computer chairs. "And Rick?" I forced myself to ask, the name getting caught in my throat. For one moment I believed that I didn't care what happened to him, but it was soon replaced with concern. He was my friend. He tried to kill you! The contradictory thoughts invaded at the same time. My mind was on over-drive; the blankness that had overcome me in the hallway was definitely a thing of the past.

"Em . . . he didn't make it," Dad said slowly.

I turned the chair to face away from my parents so they wouldn't see tears, but I couldn't cry. I couldn't think straight, either. I just kept feeling relief that it hadn't been Sean and then unbearable guilt. 'I felt sorry for you. I pitied you. Get a clue!' The words echoed in my head over and over. Three sentences. 11 words. And someone had wanted to kill me over them. Had almost killed Sean in the process. Someone who was now dead.

Mom came and sat behind me, rubbing her hands up and down my arms.

Why had Rick overreacted so badly? Why had I panicked when he kissed me? Why had I moved _toward_ the hallway everyone else was running _away _from? Why had Sean stood up for me and not run when he had a chance? After all 'everything's not always about me,' right? Why couldn't the school have left Rick alone? "Why?" I asked out loud, not even aware I was doing so, my voice unnaturally soft.

"He needed help, Emma," Dad said from where he was standing in the window, moving to sit nearer to Mom and me.

"He pointed the gun right at me," I said, like a zombie, staring straight ahead, trying to stop the slide show that was repeating in my brain. The entire day, each moment where I had made a choice in slow motion. Could I have prevented this?

"Oh honey…" Mom said, moving her head close to mine, her voice almost a sob.

There was a knock on the door and I hear Mr. Raditch's voice. "Archie?"

Dad looked up, angry. "No. I am busy here if you hadn't noticed!" I wanted to tell him not to worry about me, that I'd be okay, but the words froze in my throat.

Mr. Raditch ignored him and continued. "I'm sorry. They want to know if you can get into Rick's e-mail to look for signs. Warning signs."

Warning signs? Like constant bullying? Like a kiss contest centered around me? Seriously, that one you'd think I would have picked up on! Like Jay warning me to stay away? Like the fact that he'd just been humiliated in front of the school? Like he had mildly sexually assaulted me in the hallway? Like he had returned, still in paint and feathers? Those kinds of signs? How many of them had I ignored? Could I have prevented this?

Dad scoffed. "Of course. Now the ground breaking 20/20 hindsight policy kicks into gear," he said sarcastically, getting up from his chair and moving away from Mom and me. Dad's anger was directed at Mr. Raditch, but I felt it as deeply, if not more so. Why hadn't I noticed any of these signs? Could I have prevented this?

"I have 700 students and a teaching staff that I'm responsible for everyday. Don't get on my case because one kid overreacted to some spilled paint," Mr. Raditch replied angrily, moving closer to Dad. It was more than spilled paint. But who knew how much Rick went through other than Toby and I? Mr. Raditch had 700 students to take care of. My friend list, especially recently was much shorter. What was my excuse? Could I have prevented this?

"Yeah, one kid who you've personally spoken to twice in the last two days. But did you listen?" Dad yelled back. And I've spoken to everyday. Was I listening? Why didn't I know how he would react to this? Could I have prevented this?

"Of course I did," Mr. Raditch retorted.

Dad was openly shouting now. "I bet you can't remember a word he said! This tragedy Dan, it could have been prevented if you hadn't -"

"Archie!" Mom interrupted. "Can you two do this later!" She nodded at me. I was trying desperately not to cry. If I started, I didn't think I would ever stop. With every word, with every thought, with every question I was more certain – I could have prevented this. It was all my fault. Sean almost died. Toby almost died. Rick had died. _'I've already shot someone.'_ There was another victim of my oversight somewhere. But who? Manny? Ashley? Paige? Jay?

"Emma, they're gonna want to speak to all of the witnesses," Mr. Raditch stopped to tell me on his way out the door, placing his arm on my shoulder.

I didn't really hear him. I just kept hearing Rick's voice in that creepy way, blaming me. '_Are you happy now, Emma? I've left you alone. You don't ever have to take time from your perfect little life to pity me again.'_

Mom just hugged me tighter, like she could single handedly protect me from everything. The only problem was who would protect me from myself?


	14. Jay: Bad Michael Jackson

**A/N: Okay, so I've read stories on this site before and just when things get good, someone's computer breaks or they go on vacation or have writer's block or something and you never find out what happens. I promise that will not happen. I will finish this story (I'm at the half way point right about now). But my laptop did break. So it might be a while between updates. Hopefully you will find the chapter that follows well worth the wait. (Your patience will be rewarded and what not, yada yada).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Bad by Michael Jackson. If I did, I would have bought a new laptop and not be currently waiting 3-5 weeks for the old one. (btw, 3-5 weeks? Can't narrow it down a bit, guys? A two week window? Sorry, rant over.)**

**Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to review. I'm glad no one thought the Jordan thing was a stretch. Having a flashback of Emma's near-sexual assault was the only way I could think of to make her next sentences and actions seem more credible (even if I didn't write them, the show did). And have no fear, Sean's POV is coming, it's just causing me headaches right now, so Toby might be finished first.**

There are good ideas and there are better ideas. There are pranks that get you respect and pranks that get you suspended. I had to admit though, what Spinner, Alex and I had planned for the 'Whack Your Brain' competition was the perfect union of great idea and perfect prank.

It was fool proof. Which was good, considering that Spinner, a certified fool, was one of my accomplices.

I had fully intended to lay off of Rick like I had told Sean I would. Not because I was altruistic or anything, but because avoiding Emma was so much easier if you avoided Rick as well.

Spinner, however, had no such qualms about tormenting Rick, so recently I had found myself living vicariously through him. Who ever knew I would have something in common with a guy who until recently was dating the head cheerleader?

Yesterday all that changed. After school, Alex and I had discovered a giant X painted over the window of my car. All bets were off. It was on.

_Flashback_

"Babe, let's find Cameron and figure out how to get this stuff off before we do anything drastic," Alex said, opening the passenger side door of my poor, damaged civic.

"Why? So I won't get in trouble on school property?" I shouted back. I was getting tired of her Jekyll and Hyde routine between at school and off school. She shot me a hurt look and sat down in the passenger seat. I sighed. When did this relationship get to be such a drag? Granted the sex was still amazingly hot, but I missed the girl who always had my back.

I slid into the driver's seat and stared at the window. "Let's go find Cameron." I conceded, pulling out of the parking spot. We didn't have to go far; he was leaning over Spinner's car on the way out of the lot.

"You, too?" Sean asked as I parked the car in front of Spinner's.

"Somebody picked the wrong guys to mess with," I commented, slamming the door.

"Someone named Rick Murray," Alex commented showing up at my side.

I gave her a quick look. What happened to the 'let's not do anything drastic' Alex of a few moments ago? Oh, right, the parking lot was 'off school.'

At Rick's name, Sean looked away. "You guys are gonna want to get this off your clear coat before it ruins it."

Typical Sean. Avoid Rick because where Rick was, so too would Emma be. I ignored the little voice telling me lately I had done the same thing. Looking back at my window, it wasn't hard to convince myself that I had to go after Rick.

"Screw that. It's evidence. I'm telling Raditch," Spinner told him. As if Raditch would do anything.

"'I'm telling Raditch!' You don't think he's gonna want to know why Rick tagged you?" Sean mocked.

"Sean's right. Let's keep Raditch out of this," I said, motioning emphatically with my arm. Besides, it would be so much more fun this way.

"Buddy's going down. He's toast." Spinner had this weird smile on his face. He enjoyed tormenting others way more than was normal. I mean, I knew that it was necessary and, I'll admit, satisfying, too, at times, but in general, if people minded their own business I was content to let stuff go.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" I said, motioning towards the building. "Trivia boy's gotta still be around."

"Oh, yeah!" Spinner said, rubbing his hands together.

"I'm going to stop by the shop and see if Mr. Ehl's got anything that will help take that spray paint off gently," Sean said, taking off in the direction of shop.

I knew he would wuss out so I wasn't overly concerned. Can't say I blamed him. If I had just gotten off probation and was trying to make it on student welfare, I'd probably be a little more cautious, too. Ahh, who am I kidding? I wouldn't be any more cautious, I'd just be in jail by now.

"Alex?" I said looking right at her. It wasn't a test, but I could tell from the look she was giving me she thought it was.

"Let's go," she said, striding off.

I can't say I wasn't surprised, but in a good way. Spinner took off down the hall, followed closely by me, Alex trailing. She kept looking over her shoulder. Like Raditch didn't have better things to do with camera crews descending tomorrow than to stalk the student council VP.

Rick was nowhere to be found, but I spotted the next best thing up ahead. "Spinner, check it out, it's Isaacs!"

Spinner smiled. He had this weird thing about tormenting Isaacs, something to do with his little sister, but I didn't really care all that much. My mind was on one thing – finding Rick and getting revenge. Toby turned the corner, but we were right behind him. Of course, it helped that he stopped at the water fountain.

"Hey! Reject! Where's your friend!" Spinner asked, coming up behind Toby.

He lifted his head long enough to mutter, "As if I'm gonna tell you!" before returning to the water fountain.

Now I was getting smart ass comments from the binary geek? I had definitely let my rep slide lately!

"Hey! Weiner! He asked you a question!" I punctuated my sentence, with a smack to the back of Toby's head.

He held a hand up to his lip, which was now bleeding and I felt a moment of regret. Dammit, now Cameron's gonna be on my case. I replaced it with my customary smirk as I continued down the hall, however.

"Thought you were smarter than this," Spinner commented as we moved away.

We searched a few more hallways, but came up with no trace of Rick.

"Hey guys, let's give it up for now," Alex suggested. "Cameron's probably got the cleaning stuff by now and he seemed pretty emphatic about getting the paint off quick."

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" I muttered under my breath. Apparently not quietly enough.

"Look, you can't find him. Now we can stalk the halls for a while, or we can do this the smart way and plan ahead," Alex reasoned, more than a little pissed off at me.

"I'm listening," Spinner said, looking right at her.

"You all have been tossing him in dumpsters, pushing him into lockers and what's it got you?" Alex mocked. "You've got to do something that will really get to him. Hit him where it hurts."

"I like the way you think," I said, pulling her in for a kiss. Alex turned her head so my kiss landed on her cheek. I backed away. Fine. Two can play that game. "What's the most important thing to that loser right now?" I asked.

"Emma Nelson." Alex replied quickly, challenging me with her stare.

I started to say something about Sean getting pissed if we used Emma to get to Rick, but Spinner saved me.

"No way, dude. I've got this thing going with the lovely Manuela and her and Emma go way back, even if they're not speaking right now. I'm not going to let pay back on Rick screw that up. Leave Nelson out of it," Spinner argued.

"Fine," Alex said, crossing her arms across her chest, sulking.

"You're thinking too small, baby," I said, waving my finger. "Rick knows everything, right? King of all Trivia."

"So how are you going to make him forget things?" Spinner asked confused.

Seriously, was it possible that this guy had really only failed Grade 9 English and not every subject every year?

"And tomorrow the trivia game will be televised." Alex chimed in, coming around a bit. There's my girl.

"Exactly. The chance to embarrass him not only in front of the entire school, but all of Canada!" I explained.

"That's freakin' awesome!" Spinner exclaimed. "He won't wanna leave his house when we're done laughing, let alone try anything at school again. But how? Raditch is gonna have the TV show area on lock out."

I raised one eyebrow in Spinner's direction. "Lock out? You mean, lock down."

"Let me worry about that," Alex answered. "You boys handle the 'what' and I'll handle the 'how.'"

By that time we had reached my locker where Sean was waiting. He shoved a can of something at me. "Man, just rub a little of this on a rag and you'll be fine. I gotta catch up with Ellie." He said, starting to walk away. "Jay?" he asked turning around.

He indicated with his hand that he wanted a private word. "Sean, not in front of my girlfriend!" I leered, but I followed him down the hall.

He waited till we had turned the corner and turned to me. "You and I are cool, right?" he asked.

"Listen, if this about you wussing out about paying back that little jerk-off, then yeah, we're cool. It wasn't your car and I know you've got other stuff to worry about without getting caught." I sighed. "If we get caught tomorrow, you're clean."

Sean raised one eyebrow. "Get caught doing what?" He shook his head quickly. "You know what, never mind that. As much as I appreciate it, that wasn't what I meant. What did I tell you about Isaacs?"

"This is about your ex-girlfriend's nerd shadow? Are you kidding me?" I scoffed, but inside I was surprised that Cameron had found out so quickly. "Look, that little wimp needs to know how to respect authority."

He leaned closer, almost as if he was going to tell me a secret and the next thing I knew I was up against the lockers, his forearm pressed against my neck. "Cameron, chill, what's your deal?" Sean could go from cool to incredibly angry in about .7 seconds.

"I don't know what you did to Toby, man, but if I ever find out you were screwing with him again, I don't care how cool we are, I will hurt you," he whispered, his voice deadly serious.

"Yeah, yeah," I repeated, pushing him off of me. "Listen Cameron, save your big brother act for someone who cares. We both know who this is really about."

Sean looked like he was going to say something more, but instead turned and stalked down the hallway. I massaged my neck as I walked back to where Alex and Spinner were waiting. 'Ok-ay, in the future, stay away from the Princess' friends, too,' I told myself. I would have a stiff neck for at least a week. He had probably been waiting to do this since last week with the whole drunken fight thing. I pushed aside thoughts of what Cameron would have done to me if we _had_ targeted Emma.

"What was that all about?" Alex asked.

"Just Cameron's hero complex," I replied. "Let's get out of here, shall we?"

We were walking back to the car when we ran into Rick and his trivia buddies, including, surprisingly, Spinner's best friend, Jimmy Brooks.

"Yo, Jimmy," Spinner acknowledged his best friend as if he had purposefully found Rick and brought him to us. "Hey, dog meat, you got something on your shirt!" He said pointing.

When Rick looked down, Spinner ran his finger up and flicked his nose. It was childish, sure, but sometimes the classics are best. I couldn't help the large smile that broke out across my face.

"That's just weak. Grow up," Jimmy said, looking right at Spinner. Could there be trouble in best friend paradise?

"Ooh . . . Ricky found a friend," Alex taunted. She may have meant Jimmy, but she was staring Emma down. Emma looked away.

"Give it a rest. It's boring," Jimmy said walking away. Emma followed quickly, then Toby and finally Rick. As they were walking away, Rick turned and made an X with his arms.

I couldn't believe it. Did the guy have a death wish? "Bad move freak," I said, nodding my head. Spinner and Alex just stared at his back, so I continued. "So Alex, you know how we were going to interrupt the game show? I think it would be even better if he wins first."

"From the best moment to the worst in less than a second," Alex mulled it over.

Spinner just shook his head. "Dude, what was up with Jimmy?"

"Umm, can you worry about your man-crush later? We need ideas," I told him.

"Look, I'm _not _gay." I shook my head to indicate 'whatever.' "What about like in Carrie when they dumped that bucket of pig's guts all over her?" Spinner suggested.

"Yeah, but then she went psycho and killed everyone," Alex pointed out.

"That's what made it a movie and not the news," Spinner replied. "People can't move stuff with their mind, anyways." He paused. "At least, I'm pretty sure they can't."

"Whatever. Like I said, you figure out what to drop on Rick's head; I'll make it happen," she reiterated walking away.

"Hey, babe, I thought you were going home with me?" I called after her.

"Not in the mood. You can clean your car off yourself!" she shouted.

Well, she was helping us, which was something. I guess asking her to be happy about it was just too much for the 'new' Alex.

Spinner and I hashed out details while working the spray paint off our respective doors, careful not to ruin our paint jobs. The real ones, that is.

We finally settled on yellow paint and feathers. Perfect for a chicken who could only hit our cars and then run. One could say he was smart, as either Spinner or I could easily take him in a physical confrontation, but taunting us while hiding behind new friends, Jimmy and Emma? Not smart. Not smart at all.

_End Flashback_

And so here I was now, waiting for Alex to escort Spinner and me to our specially marked chairs as part of the 'studio audience' for Whack Your Brain. If someone had told me earlier this week I'd volunteer to be in the audience for a trivia show involving Cameron's prude ex-girlfriend and her two dorky side kicks I'd have asked for a hit, as they were obviously smoking some good shit. But wonder of wonders, that was exactly where I found myself.

'It would have been forced down my throat on TV in first period anyway,' I rationalized. 'Plus seeing this 'chicken' thing in person will be so awesome!'

Alex, Spinner and I took our seats and almost at once the 'show' began. I tried desperately to find someway to keep myself amused in spite of the announcer's overbearing commentary. When the audience screamed "Whack Your Brain" all at once, I almost got up and left. It was pure torture, even if the pay off would be awesome, I wasn't sure anything was worth this.

Except at that moment I happened to lock eyes with Ms. Dolphin-safe Tuna. It was priceless how her eyes grew when she saw Alex, Spinner and I sitting there. I could hear the wheels turning in her brain as she tried to make sense of what she 'knew' about us and why we were there. Probably thought we were up to no good. 'Well, Emma, maybe you do know me, this time,' I laughed to myself.

From then on the game show was more fun as Emma struggled not to stare at me; in fact, she tried not to look in my general direction at all. I clapped at the appropriate moments, attempting to play the good little school cheerleader I was supposed to be. I even wolf whistled when she answered "Franz Ferdinand," her one contribution to the quiz show, causing her to blush, which definitely got Mr. Simpson's attention at least. Watching his over-protective father act was almost as big a riot as messing with Ms. Prude herself.

When the game show host announced the rules in case of a tie, I looked at Spinner, a stupid grin on my face. Could this be more perfect? Now if only they got the stupid question right.

"Bobby Jones?" Rick asked, nervously.

"Tie game! A short break. When we come back the final lightning round! Don't go anywhere!" The game show moron told us.

All this and a break. Someone up there obviously wanted this to happen. All blame was out of my hands now. It was fate.

I motioned Spinner out into the hallway and we retrieved the materials from his locker. "Your boy almost let me down, Gavin," I remarked.

"Umm, it's Spinner. And since when is golf a sport?" He shook his head, trying to get his stupid hair to stay out of his face.

"Well, with that Bobby Jones guy's help, Mr. Murray is going to get exactly what he deserves," I replied as we reached the boys restroom.

We laughed as we entered, finding Jimmy and Rick standing there.

"Hey man! That was so sweet. I mean, you're a know it all trivia machine," Spinner told Rick. I'll give him this: the guy can improv with the best of them. Without missing a beat, he acted like they were now the best of friends.

"This competition is money in the bank with my boy right here," Jimmy said, smacking Rick playfully on the stomach.

"Nice. Are you- are you doing the lightning round buddy?" I stumbled over the words. Fake sincerity was not my strong suit.

"Affirmative," Rick agreed wide eyed. The kid was so eager to please; it was far too easy.

"Probably better him than me right?" Jimmy commented as he left.

I looked at Spinner, trying not to laugh. You said it, Jim, not me.

Rick looked slightly nervous to be left alone with us and as tempting as it was to mess with him some more, we only had so much time during the break.

I indicated the door with my head. He didn't catch on, so I nodded at the door again. "We're cool, man," I told him.

Rick smiled as he left the bathroom and Spinner patted him on the back. Honestly, anyone who gets beat up as often as Rick you'd think would have a better bullshit sensor.

"Better him than me!" I repeated, laughing openly.

"Yeaahhh. Alright. You're sure Alex can set this up?" he questioned indicating the large jug of paint I pulled out of my bag.

"Dude the best part about dating the student council VP…nobody asks questions," I raised one eyebrow to prove my point, silently adding that it seemed lately like it was the only good part about dating the student council VP.

Within moments, everything was set and we returned to our seats just in time to watch the Northern kid I had affectionately dubbed 'the trivia midget' start the 30 most intense seconds of his virginal life.

As he finished, Alex gave me a smile and stood up. I have never seen Spinner grin so wide. I felt bad for like half a second, until I saw Rick lean over and whisper something to Emma that made her go all rigid. That freak needed to take it down a notch. And we had just the plan to help.

The 30 seconds that followed were the longest 30 seconds of my life as I waited for the big payoff. I couldn't tell which would be better, to have him fail and let his team down only to be splattered or to succeed and have his moment of triumph ruined. Either way, I would take it.

"Degrassi wins! Degrassi wins!" Mr. Phony Game Show exclaimed. I paused for a minute, unsure if Alex had had enough time before she retook her seat. A large smile slowly spread across my face, as yellow goop and then feathers rained from the sky onto Richard Murray, but I was careful to make sure I wasn't the first to laugh. Didn't want to be too obvious after all.

Soon I didn't have to worry about hiding my laughter as everyone, even the trivia midget was openly laughing.

Rick just lowered his head and walked out the door slowly. 'And that is why you don't ever get between a man and his car,' I thought satisfied.

"Hey, let's get out of here," Spinner said.

I nodded slightly, watching as Emma ran after the freak, face flushed.

"You coming?" Alex asked, harshly.

"I'll catch up with you," I told her, heading instead in the direction Emma had traveled, following my gut feeling that something was wrong. I walked slowly, my movement hindered by the other students that were now flooding into the halls, whispering and giggling in clusters. I wanted to shout 'MOVE IT!' in every direction, but I didn't want to call attention to myself. Whether we would get away with this whole thing was still somewhat up in the air and, while I wouldn't mind taking credit for this masterful plan, I didn't want to be serving detention the rest of my life. It was so much easier to skip the afternoon classes if you didn't have to worry about your 3 o'clock appointment.

Eventually I worked my way past the crowd, pausing at a juncture. Now which way would they have gone? If you had asked me why I was spending what should be the moment of my greatest triumph searching for the freak and the stuck-up princess I would have told you to screw yourself. Because the truth was, I couldn't explain it. I just had a feeling that Rick was not someone that anyone should be alone with right now. People do crazy things at the lowest point of their life. And I couldn't shake that image of Emma trying to play it cool as the psycho leaned over to whisper in her ear before the last round of questions.

"Rick! What are you doing!" I heard Emma scream. "Let go of me!" I moved quickly toward the direction of the sound, heart pounding. As much as she hated me, I would not let the freak hurt her.

As I started moving faster, not really paying attention, the person in question ran smack into me.

I tried to steady her so she didn't fall, my hands on both her arms. Keeping her at arms distance allowed me to do a quick once over, something I had all too much experience in the past. Look for damage imperceptibly so as not to injure stupid female pride. No noticeable bleeding or bruises, that was good. "Woah, where's the fire?" I asked trying to keep the situation light, considering I was pretty sure she still hated me.

Emma looked up at me, her eyes wide, like a frightened animal and she jerked back violently. "Don't TOUCH me!" She screamed. Yup, still hates me. I still got the touch. She managed to control her volume as she snarled at me, "I hope you're happy. With everything."

Everything? What did that mean? What had happened? "Emma!" I called as she ran down the hall and in to the girl's washroom. The paint and feathers I have to admit, did make me kinda happy. Even thinking about it right now made me smile. Not knowing what had caused Emma to totally flip out when someone touched her, less happy about that.

I moved down the hall in the direction Emma had come from. She was in no mood for sharing time, but I could always ask the freak. Plus if he was unwilling to talk, I could have fun convincing him, I thought, unconsciously cracking my knuckles.

Unfortunately, Rick was no where to be found and yellow paint footsteps indicated he had already run home to Mommy. "Have fun with Princess Priss?" a sarcastic voice behind me asked.

"Alex." I hated the way her name sounded coming from me now, like I was always apologizing. "I wanted to make sure she was okay. Rick did something, I don't know what, she wouldn't talk to me, but I heard her screaming."

Immediately Alex's face fell into something resembling concern. Alex concerned for Emma? This was new. Unreal, really. "She's okay, right?" Alex's voice was all wobbly. "I'd hate it if someone got hurt because of our prank war with Murray."

"Look at you, the big, bad, don't care about anyone girl going all jello on me," I joked. She didn't respond. Shit. "Look, she didn't have any visible marks and she still managed to shout at me, so it couldn't have been anything too serious," I tried to pull Alex in close, but she shoved me away. I was just having that effect on women today. "Look, nothing is going to happen."

Alex took a deep breath before she turned back and looked right at me. "You tell anyone I'm going soft and you'll regret it. I could still kick your sorry ass seven different ways."

"Damn straight," I said reaching to her hand, glad she was back to normal. Despite everything, it hurt me more than I could say to see Alex hurting. "Look it's almost lunch. How about you and I go out to my newly cleaned car and celebrate the perfect plan perfectly executed by the perfect couple."

"With the help of a complete moron," Alex laughed.

"True," I admitted. "But I don't feel like sharing today."

Alex hit me harder than was strictly necessary, but I didn't care. After an all-too-brief, steam the windows celebration, Alex persuaded me to go to class. Granted, she could have persuaded me to jump off the CN Tower at that moment with her, umm, _talents_, but a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell.

She had a point in saying skipping would make us look guilty. Sure enough as soon as we got to class, the TVs that had been used to broadcast our prank – I mean, the game show – were used to send us all a personal message from our 'pal' the principal.

I sat there tapping my pencil on my desk, staring at the back of Alex's neck and thinking about how amazingly sensitive she was, right under her left ear lobe and how much fun I could have with this information after school as Raditch droned on camera, "Twenty five years as an educator blah blah blah embarrassed blah blah blah ashamed blah blah found out and punished severely. More blah-ing and blah-ing. Thank you."

I resisted the urge to reply with my traditional "No, thank you!" comment like I do after morning announcements each day in first period. Remember, don't call attention to yourself. Of course, St. Jay would stick out just as much as would absent Jay, so I didn't let myself be too bored in class. I paid just enough attention to avoid detention and caused just enough trouble that I wouldn't fall asleep. Yup, it was thin line, but I walked it oh, so well.

Eventually the bell rang, signaling the next period. Alex found Amy waiting outside and I followed behind the two of them a respectable distance, bored out of my mind.

"Awww, Alex, I was good last class, can't I skip this one?" I whined like a child asking his mother for a special treat for good behavior, interrupting her best friend moment with Amy.

She scoffed at me and motioned for Amy to keep walking. When we were alone, she answered. "No, can do, buddy boy. Amy just told me that Spinner and Jimmy got in a fight while playing ball just now. Any guesses what about? Cause I have a few," she said, cocking her eyebrow.

"So you want us to have a talk before the idiot gets us all busted," I sighed, rubbing my hand across my forehead as if wiping the stress away. We had to team up with that moron? He made Towerz the mute look like a frickin' Mensa candidate.

"We just had to team up with that idiot," Alex echoed my thoughts.

"Yeah, well, we've got English next and Spinner had his with all the Grade 10's," I pointed out.

"Which is why you are going to find Spinner right now and tell him to cool it," Alex said, dusting off my shoulders. "There he is now. Go have fun." She shoved me in his direction, not so gently.

I was about to protest when Spinner spotted me. "Jay, hey!" he called out. Alex had disappeared. Damn, but that girl was good.

"Not here," I hissed turning to face Spinner.

"Jay, listen!" Spinner protested. Does that boy have any common sense? Was he really _the _bully in junior high? Guess if you were bigger than everyone else, you didn't need to be particularly bright.

I pushed open the door to the washroom Spinner right behind me. "Raditch knows man!"

I didn't respond, trying to register the sight before me. I was staring at the paint and feathers in the sink. Maybe Ricky hadn't gone home for the day after all. I followed the trail of paint and noticed that Rick was still there, in a stall, listening.

"About Jimmy? Yeah I'm surprised nobody's figured it out yet," I said unnaturally loudly and slowly, trying to clue Spinner in. Damned if I was going to confess to Rick.

"Dude!" Spinner looked at me like I had lost my mind and gestured accordingly. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed him and pointed at Rick's yellow shoes. Must I do everything in this operation?

"Yeah, Jimmy set the whole thing up perfectly. The way he got all those easy sports questions wrong," I sat back and folded my arms against my chest. In one fell swoop we could get Raditch off our cases and destroy Jimmy's credibility. No one would believe Jimmy if he tried to reveal what Spinner had confessed now. Everyone would think he was just trying to cover his own tracks. And what was Rick going to do about it? Brilliant, I know.

Spinner smiled his 'I'm special' smile. "Yeah and made sure uh psycho boy was all alone in the final round," he continued, trying not to laugh.

I smiled too, pleased at the way events had turned out. I told Alex we had nothing to worry about. I was prepared for any contingency. "Never would have happened without a man on the inside!"

I shoved Spinner towards the door and we left. No use overdoing a good thing. Alex was waiting at the door to our history class.

"So?" She asked pointedly.

I just smiled and leaned in for a kiss.

After an all too short face sucking, Alex broke away and looked at me expectantly. "Care to fill in the details, lover boy?"

I loved that husky voice she got after I had kissed her senseless. "Let's just say, I dealt with the situation, okay?" I was vague on purpose. After all a true magician never reveals all his secrets and I had been beyond a magician just now – I was a frickin' miracle worker, to put it modestly. Cause modest was the first word everyone would use to describe me, as you well know.

We took our seats as our history teacher, Mr. Preno, droned on. Something about World War II. Compared hysteria over Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor to current post 9/11 hysteria in the United States. Yeah, yeah, yeah, catastrophic world ending paranoia, blah! I found it hard to listen to anything the guy was saying, I was so impressed with the fact that we were going to get away with this morning's activity, in spite of Spinner's confession. I mean, the payback aspect was nice, but actually not having any fallout or consequences was beyond amazing.

Despite my confidence in our overwhelming triumph, I couldn't help but flash back to my run in with Emma earlier. Any guilt or remorse I might have felt for the trivia king of the world had been squashed immediately as I looked at the fear in her eyes. It reminded me of the last time I had spoken to her, our run-in outside the computer lab last week.

For a moment I paused, feeling unsettled. A thought drifted into my mind, that perhaps she hadn't been afraid of Rick after all. Maybe she had been afraid of me?

I shook that feeling away. I had heard her scream at Rick. I'm sure that Emma Nelson didn't have exactly warm feelings where I was concerned, but she wasn't _afraid_ of me.

Yet I still felt uneasy, like something wasn't right.

I jumped when I heard the sound from the hallway, right outside the door to our classroom. It sounded like a car backfiring, but cars backfiring weren't normally accompanied by screams of anguish. Gun shots were.

I jumped out of my seat and put myself between Alex and the door, not really thinking about what I was doing, but tense, prepared to deal with whatever happened next.

"Get under your desks!" Mr. Preno shouted.

There was a pause, then a frantic rush, as students scrambled to follow his directions. I stood still facing the door, defiant.

"Mr. Hogart, now!" I heard Mr. Preno command. I felt a tug on my hand and looked down.

Alex was pulling me under the desk her eyes wide. I crouched next to her and took her into my arms, her back against my chest. We didn't do mush often, but this wasn't really a time to worry about keeping up appearances.

"Jay, do you think that, maybe it was Rick?" Alex whispered.

A vision of Emma Nelson lying on the hallway floor bleeding came unbidden to my head and I had to fight every instinct to run into the hallway right then. Alex was still holding my hand, though, gripping it like it was her life-line and I just held her tighter.

"There are over 700 students that go to school here, Lexy. Any one of them could have snapped," I told her, trying to convince myself.

Alex nodded, color slowly returning to her pale face. "You're right. And I'm pretty sure Rick went home after everything."

I didn't correct her, too caught up in the horror movie playing over and over in my brain. Rick taking it to the next level, shooting Emma; interspaced with images of my father beating my mother and then bringing out a gun . . .

Mr. Preno interrupted my thoughts, thankfully. "I'm going to go out there."

"NO!" One of the girls who sat in the front screamed.

"Jennifer, calm down. I need to make sure everyone's alright," Mr. Preno said calmly, walking to the door.

I knew everyone wasn't alright. Someone was lying in that hallway, I was sure of it. I just hoped it wasn't anyone in any way connected to me.

When Mr. Preno looked through the window and drew in a quick breath, I knew I was right. He looked both ways for signs of danger.

"Do any of you have a cell phone?" He asked, before opening the door.

"I do," a guy in the back, Travis volunteered.

"Call 9-1-1. Get an ambulance here," and with that he darted out into the hallway.

A girl in front, maybe Jennifer, I wasn't sure, started crying quietly, trying to stifle her tears. As the door opened I saw a glimpse of shoes. Basketball shoes. Far too large to belong to Emma Nelson.

I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding.

"Spinner was playing basketball outside," Alex whispered, her voice soft. So Alex had seen that, too. Instantly I was on edge again. If Rick had gone after Spinner, I was probably next. I couldn't let him get to Alex.

'Slow down, Hogart,' I told myself. 'You don't know that's Spin out there.' I tried to remember what color Spinner's shoes had been when I talked to him in the bathroom. I had looked at his shoes, right? I stopped for a moment, to appreciate the ridiculousness of that question. Who memorizes the shoe color of every person they talk to in a given day?

"Well, better him than me," I muttered, unconsciously quoting Jimmy from earlier that day.

Alex looked at me as if she had never seen me before. I felt her slowly withdraw her hand from mine and pull away.

"How can you say that?" She asked.

"Because I'm honest." I was too wound up to be angry. "Would you prefer I say I wish I took a bullet for him? Cause actually I'm rather glad to be safe and whole right now."

Raditch came over the loud speaker at that moment, telling all students to stay in their classrooms with their doors locked until otherwise told. 'Lockdown protocol' he called it. "Remain in your classrooms until further notice. Absolutely no one is to leave. Refer to lockdown protocol. And please remain calm."

Calm. The idea was so ridiculous that I laughed. Many of my classmates turned to stare or glare at me. "What?" I glared right back.

Mr. Preno came back into the classroom, his hands and arms now covered in blood. "Travis, may I use your phone?" He asked, trying vainly to wipe one hand free.

"Sure," Travis gulped.

Mr. Preno spoke softly into the phone, but every single one of us had our ears open and heard every word spoken. "We have a student down, 16 year old male. I don't know how many others. The injured student indicated one gunman. Rick Murray. I think he acted alone, but I can't tell. We need EMTs in here, as soon as you can. Yes, yes. Okay."

Mr. Preno handed Travis back his phone and smiled grimly. "Thanks."

He stepped back into the hall, making sure the door locked tightly behind him. People filtered out from under their desks to sit in chairs, some trying not to cry, everyone startled and afraid.

I tried to think of anything to stop the thoughts cycling again and again. I knew Rick had anger management issues, but I pushed him. I bullied him because I was afraid of what _I _had almost done to Emma, not what he had done. What if that was Spinner out there? What if it wasn't? Had I set in motion events that may have killed someone?

No – I forced those thoughts from my head. 'That way madness lies.' Yes, I, Jay, was quoting Shakespeare. If that wasn't a sign that something was rotten in the state of Denmark, I don't know what would be.

The next hour seemed like the longest of my life, alternating between deep feelings of guilt and thinking ahead on how to get out of this. Whether it was my fault or not, it was done and there was no sense being punished for it now and then again later from karma, or going to hell, or whatever suitable religious consequence you believed in. Alex still wouldn't talk to me and I was frankly too wrapped up in my own head to really give a damn.

"The lock down is over. Please wait to exit your classrooms until a designated school official opens the door for you. Please head straight home. Do not stop at your lockers; do not loiter around. We recommend you not speak to reporters," Raditch droned as a man with a rather large gun let us out of our classroom. So that's what he meant by 'designated school official.' I had a momentary panic, but pushed it aside.

Alex and I were two of the first people out. We were standing next to each other, yet worlds apart. She stared at the gun, seemingly transfixed.

Well, that didn't look suspicious. I took her by the shoulders and steered her away. I had to get her home, whether she was talking to me or not. "Just relax. Everything's gonna be fine."

"Why did I go along with all this?" She muttered. I assumed that was rhetorical. After all, it's not like anyone had twisted her arm. She was all too willing to participate at the time, but now that stuff had gone down, she was a wreck.

"I said relax! You're alive aren't you?" My voice was harsher than I intended, but Alex refused to see the big picture. Both of us were still breathing which is something that maybe not everyone would be able to say tonight. I saw a familiar horrid haircut and breathed a big sigh of relief. Only one person's hair looked that bad. "Yo, Spin! I thought that might have been you!" I placed my hand on his shoulder, my personal 'glad you're okay' gesture.

Spinner just looked at me, guilt written all over his face. "It was Jimmy man! Jimmy! They're gonna find out. I have to –"

"No!" I grabbed at him desperately, unsure if I was protesting his ratting us out or trying not to acknowledge our earlier conversation in the washroom had happened. I cast a panicked look around the halls before pulling Spinner into a side entrance. "You have to shut up, okay?"

"He's my best friend." Spinner protested. Which is why you sucker punched him on the basketball court, right? I wanted to bring that up, but I held my tongue – somewhat.

"Either outcome I would say he _was_ your best friend," I told him. There was nothing to be gained by confessing, as Jimmy already knew we were behind the prank. All that would do was get us was in a lot of trouble.

"We might have killed him!" Spinner protested. Seriously, could he say that any louder with G.I. Joes stalking the halls everywhere? I looked over my shoulder before pushing against him hard.

"We didn't do anything," I insisted. Maybe if I said it often and loudly enough I would believe it.

Spinner shoved me roughly away. "We did!" He stalked away and I stared after him, afraid of what it would mean to admit he was right.


	15. Toby: Boys Don't Cry The Cure

**A/N: Well, I warned you it would take a while, but I'm sorry it took this long. I still don't have my laptop, but I have an entire notebook to type up once it comes back to me. Until then, here's a peace offering aka Toby chapter. Thank you everyone who reviewed last chapter. Please continue to let me know what you think. All comments are appreciated, but constructive comments make me all warm and fuzzy inside!**

**Also, the song isn't a perfect fit this time, but I figured it was better to get the chapter up then to spend hours researching 80's songs!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Degrassi . . . well, that's a whole 'nother story. I don't. Nor do I own the Cure or their songs. Not that talented.**

I paced nervously outside the auditorium, quizzing myself on trivia, which is inherently stupid, because if you ask yourself a question you know the answer to you're not challenged and if you come up with a question you don't know the answer to, well, who's going to tell you the correct answer?

Nevertheless, I had only a few minutes before the ultimate test. I mean, sure, like Dad and Kate had told me this morning, getting to the finals was in and of itself quite an honor, blah, blah, blah, but the finals were the only thing that the entire school, the entire city would see on television. I had spent 4 years cementing myself as the most intelligent guy in my grade, okay, some would say nerd, but it was who I was. I was comfortable in the nerd image. What if I couldn't even do nerd, right?

I bit my lip nervously and was painfully reminded that it had been busted yesterday. I had managed to successfully avoid Spinner for the most part since breaking up with Kendra up until yesterday. Yes, she dumped me, but in my experience, older brothers usually don't care about tiny details like that. Sister cries, brother hurts someone: no thinking involved.

I couldn't believe how Jimmy tried to act the hero after the fact. Our whole Saturday detention bonding experience had lasted, oh, about all of Monday morning and while Jimmy didn't torment me, he didn't go out of his way to stop it from happening. He had been someone I thought I could count on as a friend when he was dating Ashley, but I guess he got caught up in his own life and popularity.

Just like my supposed best friend. With JT having found an equally stupid and immature companion in Liberty's little brother, trivia was all that was occupying my time these days. Unfortunately, win or lose, 'Whack Your Brain' was over after today.

'At least I have a new friend in Rick,' I comforted myself. Rick had been acting strange lately, though. The whole conversation with his mother this morning sounded like Rick was talking about an alternate universe Degrassi where intellect equaled popularity. If that high school existed anywhere on earth, Toronto was definitely not its headquarters.

Then at school he had ditched me to catch up to Emma. I hadn't heard their conversation, but it was easy for anyone to see that Emma was uncomfortable.

I still had my crush on Emma, but it had recently taken a back-burner to trivia stress and fear of Spinner and Jay. Speaking of, I watched as they met up with Alex and headed into the auditorium. Jayson Hogart, trivia lover? Spinner probably couldn't even spell trivia!

My musings were interrupted by the sudden arrival of well, everyone, from various directions and before I knew it, Mr. Simpson had whisked us off to the podiums. I was farthest from the host as directed by the TV person.

'Great, so I am officially the least attractive member of the Degrassi trivia team, hence as far away from the camera as possible,' I thought darkly. 'Think happy thoughts, Toby,' I told myself. 'Umm, farthest away from the action least likely to be in a background shot looking stupid?'

"Good morning folks and welcome to the world's favorite quiz show. We are back to attack your cranium and," the host began cutting off my destructive thought pattern.

"WHACK YOUR BRAIN!" The audience screamed. Here goes nothing.

"You got your boy Joe; we got a good game for you today. Northern High is getting ready to go up against Degrassi CS. Both these teams are ready, let's not waste any more time," the announcer continued. "Hands on buzzers. Here we go. In what Canadian city was the telephone invented?"

Rick buzzed in on my left. "That'd be Brantford Ontario."

I thought back to my earlier claim of intellectual superiority. Rick was killing me in that department lately. Yes, this was his second shot at Grade 10, so he had a little bit of a leg up on me, but I still had my pride to consider. The next question would be mine.

"Culture. Name the spicy, Spanish vegetable soup, usually served chilled!" The announcer asked.

I buzzed in and then panicked. "Uh . . ." Remember that Mexican restaurant moron, what did Ashley order? "Gazpacho!"

"Good job," the announcer said. That's it? Good job? I was so busy fretting that I missed the next question.

I did not miss the short kid from Northern's answer. "A microtone!"

Okay, so how come he's in the second spot on his side? That other girl and boy were more attractive than he was. In fact, I'd like to argue that he was the least attractive guy on stage. Maybe it wasn't by looks, maybe it was by intelligence. Was I the weak link? Was I the stupid guy? Or was I stupid and ugly?

"Tundra?" the Northern boy, Mick, answered again. I had missed another question, I was so caught up in my own self-destructive thoughts.

I took a couple deep breaths and forced myself to think about the assignment at hand.

I actually managed to answer a couple more questions right, but it was clear that this competition was between Rick and Mick. Hey, that rhymes! 'Maybe I would have been better at trivia if my parents had named me Nick,' I thought despondently.

"Good job. Northern 180 points! Degrassi right there with170 points! Just a reminder, in case of a tie each team will select one player to compete in the final lightening round." Like I said, Mick and Rick head to head. If we could answer this right. I steeled myself for the last category, willing myself to get the answer right and at least share the hero/credit glory with Rick.

"Hands on buzzers, please. Your last category sports." I felt my heart sink. Jimmy would be the one sharing Rick's winning glory. Except Jimmy wasn't ringing in. "Anyone?" The announcer prompted after tense moments of silence. Maybe no one would be the hero. After all that work, we were going to get down to the last question and lose. It wasn't fair.

Just then Rick buzzed in. "Bobby Jones?"

"Tie game!" The announcer shouted and I lost the rest of his sentence too mixed up between disappointment that it had once again been Rick to save the day and happiness that we would have a chance in the final.

Emma gave me a high five as Jimmy and Rick confirmed that Rick would take the lightning round. The sight of her smile made me breathless for a moment, like it always did.

Rick and Jimmy excused themselves to the restroom, but I stayed on stage, pretending that I was the one winning the trophy as the crowd went wild. With the stage lights reflecting off my glasses I couldn't actually see into the audience, but rather than get me down, it made it all that more easy to imagine them worshipping me.

All too soon, however, it was time for the real trivia stars to take the stage and funny-looking pretenders like me to return to their places far, far off camera.

Mick, who alphabetically was the first –ick name, went first and managed to answer four questions correctly in the 30 seconds. Get 5 questions right and win. I could do that. I knew I could.

"Degrassi, who's up?" the announcer asked. I wanted to say me, but I saw Rick already moving out of the corner of my eye.

As Rick walked by Emma, he whispered in her ear something that from where I was standing seemed to make her smile. He got the glory and the girl. It wasn't fair. I tried to remember how well everything worked out the last time I got mad at Rick over Emma. I ended up paying 5 to get shoved in a locker. Sure there had been some other events in between, but the point stood that I had learned my lesson. If Emma wanted Rick, I would do what I always did and be a good friend.

However, for my own pride I decided to answer along with Rick. To prove that I could have done this.

"The Confederation Bridge links Prince Edward Island with what Canadian province?"

I know this; I know this. Quebec right? "New Brunswick!" Okay, so Rick was ahead by one.

"A minimum of how many games does it take to win a set in tennis?"

SIX! I practically shouted remembering all those boring tennis lessons at summer camp. "Seven?" Ha, Rick, not so smart now! I reminded myself that as I was not actually participating it was in my best interest that Rick get the questions right and calmed down slightly.

"What was the original home video game console introduced in 1972?"

This one's all you, Rick. "Magnavox Odyssey!" Maybe it was a good thing I was out of the spot light this time.

"Sauron reigned over what territory?"

I thought about us breaking in my twelve sided dice with a role play of 'Lord of the Rings' just the other day. "Mordor."

"Who spent 27 years in prison before being elected president of South Africa?

"Nelson Mandela." We only needed one more answer right!

"In what Robert Bolt play does Sir Thomas Moore face a moral dilemma?"

"A Man For All Seasons!" Rick answered as time ran out.

I jumped in the air! We had won! "Emma! We did it! We won!" I shouted, trying to get in on the group hug that Jimmy had started.

"Degrassi wins, Degrassi wins!"

I started to move around the podium to let Rick into the celebration as a stream of yellow liquid poured down on Rick's head followed by the fluttering of feathers.

On second thought, maybe I was glad that I hadn't been the one to be in the lightning round. Everyone was laughing as Jimmy, Emma and I stood horrified. Even Mick the trivia loser was laughing.

Rick lowered his head and walked slowly off stage.

"Dad!" Emma called out and in a blink she was running after Rick trophy in hand. Maybe she did like him. It was hard to tell, though. Emma was always really thoughtful and kind to everyone. Although come to think of it, it had been fairly obvious when she liked Sean. And Chris. And she didn't act like that around Rick, so I guess it was just Emma being Emma.

Feeling the urge to follow her example in helping Rick combined with a courage I hadn't felt since I had told Spinner that I wanted to talk to his sister, I turned on Jimmy.

"So tormenting him in private wasn't good enough for you?" I asked angrily.

"Look, I had nothing to do with this," Jimmy held out his hands as if I could inspect them for yellow.

"Why should I believe you?" I asked challenging. The adrenaline must have been kicking in, because I was not afraid even though Jimmy could easily beat me to within an inch of my life.

"Look, you don't have to believe me, but I didn't do it. Rick's not that bad once you get to know him and what I said to Spinner yesterday was true. This whole bully thing? It's getting tired. I was just as surprised as you were."

I didn't get a chance to respond as Mr. Raditch burst through the doors. Mr. Simpson excused himself from the group of suits, but didn't quite intercept him before he reached the stage.

He looked dismayed at the puddle of yellow paint and feathers before turning on Jimmy and me.

"Mr. Brooks, Mr. Isaacs, did either of you know this was going to happen?" Mr. Raditch asked. I glanced at Jimmy.

"No, sir," I answered.

"No, sir," Jimmy echoed.

"Richard confided in me that one of his teammates was harassing him. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you, Mr. Brooks?"

Jimmy swallowed. "Rick and I didn't get along at first, but we reached an understanding at yesterday's practice. I didn't have anything to do with this, sir."

"Mr. Isaacs, is Mr. Brooks telling the truth?"

Well wasn't that just the question of the moment, the hour, the day? It would be easy to sell Jimmy out, but I didn't - I couldn't - believe he had been responsible for this. Jimmy had done a lot of horrible things to me and to others since he broke up with my almost step-sister. It was like he had needed Ashley to keep him in line. But for some reason, I truly believed he had nothing to do with it.

"Yes, sir," I answered.

"Well, then, I'm going to talk to the people from the studio and then we will all work at finding those responsible. I trust I can count on your help, boys?" Mr. Raditch seemed to be challenging us to say 'no,' so that he could blame the whole thing on us.

"We'd be happy to help, sir," Jimmy answered, apparently satisfying Mr. Raditch, because he moved away. When Raditch was out of hearing distance Jimmy leaned over. "Thanks for believing me."

"Yeah, whatever. I'm going to look for Rick," I walked toward the stairwell, but Jimmy's voice stopped me.

"Hey, Toby!" I turned to see Jimmy rush to catch up with me. "Tell him. . . Tell him I said to hang in there, okay?"

I nodded. Jimmy was a good guy underneath everything. Maybe Rick hadn't been too far off base this morning when he told his mother that Jimmy was his new friend. I hoped so. Rick was going to need friends after this.

With that thought in mind, I left the auditorium determined to find Rick. I looked everywhere, the boy's washrooms, his locker and the halls before deciding he must have gone home. I was walking back slowly to my locker when I saw Emma emerge from the washroom in front of me.

"Emma!" I called out. She stopped and waited for me to catch up.

"Hey, Tobes. Crazy day, huh?" She smiled, but it wasn't the one that went all the way to her eyes.

"Yeah, I think Rick went home for the day. Raditch came in after you left the auditorium. Did you catch up to Rick?" I looked at the yellow paint that was still faintly visible on her sweatshirt. Stupid question, Toby!

"Mmmh-hmm" Emma nodded making some assenting noise.

I let out a sigh. Well, at least one of us was fulfilling the friend role. "Good. I'm sure you helped him with everything. I'm going to go find a table outside. Why don't you get your lunch and meet me out there?"

Emma hesitated before responding. "Sure. I'll meet you there."

I pulled my brown bag lunch out of my locker and headed outside. I felt bad about what happened with Rick, but knowing Emma, she had probably said just the right things to make everything better. I would call him when I got home and everything would go back to semi-normal on Monday.

JT and Danny were playing dominoes when I sat down.

"Deal me in!" I asked.

"You don't deal tiles," Danny commented shooting me a look that clearly stated 'loser.'

I looked over to JT, but he just shrugged, trying not to look at me. "Sorry, Toby, we already started.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to wait till the next game," I said, trying to act nonchalant.

I had a feeling Danny was going to object, but he looked up and got a strange gleam in his eye, noticing something over my shoulder.

"Hey, baby, there's a seat free, right here," he said, in what I suppose was meant to be a suave voice.

I looked up to see who he was talking to and saw Emma visibly shudder. I couldn't really blame her, Danny was not exactly Emma's type, but I was a bit surprised that she didn't have a snappy comeback ready like normal. Maybe she was still upset about the quiz show. Emma always took everyone else's problems upon herself. I silently scooted closer to JT to make room for Emma far away from the lecherous little boy. She gave me a small smile and I thrilled a bit inside.

Danny rolled his eyes, but otherwise took his rejection in stride and I sat a little taller. It wasn't much, but she had chosen me over him.

Danny and Toby started talking about some cable TV reality show they had watched over at JT's last night. 'One more thing that you weren't invited to,' a little voice echoed in my head. I took a huge bite of baloney sandwich, trying not to say anything. 'Besides,' I rationalized, 'I couldn't have gone over last night. I was studying up on rock formations and 19th century inventors for today's show.' Wow, could I be any more of a nerd?

"When I'm on that show, you know I'm going to be the heartbreaker. I'll have girls lined up so far around the block," Danny bragged, leaning back.

I couldn't be sure, but I thought Emma snorted. When I looked at her, she still had that blank gaze she had had all lunch. I wanted to tell her that Rick would be fine, say just the right thing, but I couldn't think of anything to say, so I turned back to JT and Danny's conversation.

"See, when I'm on that show, I'll be the token movie star already, so I won't need to do anything to have the girl's waiting to fall into my arms," JT boasted.

This time, I was the one who snorted. JT looked at me sharply, while Danny laughed.

"Oh and I suppose that you would be a ladies man? Please," JT scoffed. "You'd be the virgin nerd that pines after the beautiful girl all show and then gets drunk on the last night and screws it all up." JT looked over my head at Emma and that back at me.

Message received loud and clear _bestest friend_.

"Yeah, well, at least my television debut doesn't have me talking about some 'dawg all up in my fries,'" I angrily said back. It must have not come out as much more than a joke, however, because Danny kept laughing.

It did break Emma out of whatever trance she had been in. "They can't air the quiz show, Toby."

Sure, she finally emerges from her daydreams only to criticize me? Thanks for the back up, Em. "Yes, they can. They just cut before the paint pours on Rick," I argued.

"Which is now officially my new _favorite_ mental image!" JT crossed his arms across his chest as if he had just made the world's greatest joke.

"You know what? You wouldn't think it was so funny if it happened to you," I told him, my voice sounding more defeated than defiant.

"I would!" Danny added with his little stutter laugh. JT was ditching me for this creep? Was I really that bad? "And speaking of hysterical images…" he said, looking at Emma, or rather, behind Emma.

I turned and saw Rick walking towards the school still in the same clothing covered in paint and feathers.

"What's Rick doing back at school? I should go talk to him…" I was talking out loud more than anything. I looked to Emma expecting her to join me, but she wouldn't meet my gaze.

"Go right ahead," she said in that quiet voice she had been using all afternoon. So she wanted to mope about this, but she wasn't going to help?

I shot JT another glare as he laughed quite openly, as if he was to blame for Emma's actions. The sight of him laughing disgusted me and I stood, pushing back forcefully from the table.

"Rick!" I called as I left the table. He ignored me and I jogged to catch him. "Rick!" He still wouldn't turn. I placed myself right in front of him and put my hands up as if to stop him. "Look, Raditch is going supernova. He's gonna find out who did it."

Rick wouldn't look at me. "And what? Give them detention?" He sounded so defeated as he kept walking.

I took a step back, almost to avoid being run over. "Just saying, I'm sure it'd be cool if you skipped the rest of the day."

Rick looked around him at the stares and laughter. "Toby, this is the one time I actually want to be at school." He brushed past me and into the school.

I could only watch helplessly as he left a wake of laughing classmates behind his path.

I shook my head trying to rid myself the echo of his voice. I had never seen him seem so sad, like he had given up. He wanted to be at school? Had he gone crazy?

I had to find him, convince him to leave before anything else happened that could hurt him. We rejects have to stick together. I glanced over to the table where JT and Danny had put away the dominoes and were headed to class. After all, I didn't have anyone else.

I ran and grabbed my bag and started to walk towards Rick's locker when the warning bell rang. 'And now I'm late for class!' I thought angrily. Well, at least it was just Ms. Kwan. I mean, not a strict teacher, or anything. I was doomed.

As I walked into the classroom there was a video of Raditch playing. Ms. Kwan gave me a sour look, but she couldn't say anything without interrupting the very important threat from the principal.

I took the closest seat to the door that happened to be next to JT as Ms. Kwan began her lecture.

"So. Back to 1984."

JT leaned over and for a second I thought he would apologize for how he had acted outside, now that he was away from the influence of Danny. "So how's the big yellow loser?"

Well, so much for that hope. "That's really nice JT," I mumbled, looking down at the hand out.

"I hope he just gets the hint and leaves." JT smiled, but when I didn't react continued, "And uh you'll have to find a new gamer geek friend."

I paused for a minute before throwing the handout at him. The implication was clear, even if it hadn't been staring me in the face for far too long. JT was over me. I was on my own. Well, other than Rick and Emma.

I looked at the row ahead of me to where Emma kept casting frantic glances at the door. I remembered her refusal to try and cheer Rick up and wondered what exactly had been said between them when she gave him the trophy. Maybe I was giving her too much credit. It wouldn't have been the first time I was blinded to her faults by a stupid crush.

As soon as the bell rang, Emma left. I knew I had to find out what exactly had happened earlier, but JT stood in front of my way.

"I don't have time for this, JT," I said, head down.

"Toby, I wanted to say sorry. Listen, I know that you have no choice over who's on the trivia team with you. If you want to ditch the loser and come join me and Danny at the arcade after school, I'd love to have you." JT paused after this little speech and looked at me as if he expected me to fall down gratefully at his feet.

"You just don't get it, do you JT?" I looked at him and he gave me a blank look. "_I_ don't ditch my friends, just because they're not popular."

I stepped around him, intent on finding Emma. She hadn't gone far, only to her locker.

"Emma!" I called out standing behind her. She jumped at the sound of my voice.

"Toby! You scared me." Her hand was clutched at her chest, but she turned back to her locker, dismissing me.

I knew that I shouldn't take my anger at JT out on Emma, but that little dismissive turn so resembled his behavior lately, that I lashed out. "Emma, why didn't you come with me to talk to Rick? He could really use a friend right now."

Emma still didn't turn around. "I talked to him earlier. It was your turn."

I couldn't get over how cold Emma sounded, her voice flat, without emotion. I knew now for certain that something had happened earlier, because this was not the Emma I had known for four years. "Wow. Some friend, Emma." Even I wasn't sure if I meant towards Rick or myself. "I thought you at least cared enough to tell me the truth."

As I walked away I heard her locker slam shut, but she didn't follow me. At least not right away.

"Like you tell me the truth?" The fire in Emma's eyes was more like what I was used to seeing from her, but I had no idea what she was talking about.

"What does that mean?"

She leaned on the locker next to me and lowered her voice to a normal range. "What really happened to your lip yesterday?"

I widened my eyes slightly, then looked away. Great, now I was going to have to admit to the girl of my dreams I couldn't even handle myself in the halls of my own school. "It was nothing."

Somehow she already knew, though. She always knew. "I thought we had a deal, Toby. I stay away from Jay and so do you."

I had a flash of Emma going to confront Jay over my split lip and quickly tried to say something that would stop her. "We did!" I realized too late that I had used the past tense. "We do . . ." I tried to correct my mistake, but looking into her eyes, I knew my little slip had been enough to confirm her suspicions. Time to explain before Emma went on a crusade. I didn't want to think about what Jay was capable of. I heard Emma's voice from last week as clear as day, 'He didn't do anything that I didn't deserve.' She still hadn't told me what he had done to make her agree to our deal in the first place, but I didn't want to be responsible for anything else happening.

The words rushed out as I tried to prevent the inevitable Emma outrage. "Look, I didn't go looking for him. Alex and Spinner and Jay were looking for Rick. I wouldn't tell them where he was, so Jay pushed my face into the fountain. I cut my lip on the metal part."

"No wonder Simpson was all over my case," Sean commented from behind Emma. She jumped again and I was glad to know her nerves weren't a reflection of her opinion of me. Although Emma wasn't normally the skittish type, she was acting weird today. And just now she had somehow once again deflected my concern for her and turned it into her helping me. Emma Nelson will save you whether you want it or not, but don't even try to help her with her own problems.

Sean continued, oblivious to the anger that had replaced the fear in Emma's expression. "I figured something was up, but Jay didn't exactly tell me what happened."

I didn't even have time to process what he had said, something about Mr. Simpson telling him about my run in with Jay, before Emma had gone on the offensive.

"Now you're spying on me, too?" she accused, turning so that she faced him. "Listen, Sean, Toby and I were having a private conversation, so why don't you take your Hardy Boys routine somewhere else? Just stay out of my life!"

Sean's own face hardened from one of concern to anger and I knew the next words out of his mouth would be particularly hurtful. "Emma, can something for once not be about you?"

I couldn't see Emma's expression, but I saw the way her entire body sagged as she walked back to her locker and opened it. I saw the helpless expression in Sean's eyes as he tried to decipher how such a seemingly innocent conversation had devolved so quickly into painful accusations.

Sean seemed to recover fairly quickly, however, although when he turned back to me, it was with considerably less energy than had been in his voice a moment ago. "Listen, Toby, I know we haven't talked in a while, but you have to believe I had no idea Jay was beating up on you. I wouldn't have let it happen. You and I may not be exactly friends any more, but I don't forget people who were there for me when I needed them, okay?"

I was going to respond that I wish everyone, JT in particular, felt that way when a loud sound echoed throughout the halls. I've played too many video games not to recognize that sound. A gun? At Degrassi? Couldn't be.

Sean turned and watched as several students ran past us away from the sound, but my eyes were glued on Emma across the hall from us. She was actually moving toward the noise, toward the gun. I started after her, but Sean pushed me behind him. I followed, sure it was some kind of mistake. A new amplification system for the M.I. lab perhaps.

I reached the doorway to the hall and moved to Sean's left to see better what was going on. Rick was walking down the hall, his backpack clenched to his chest with one arm the way it had been earlier. Except this time, he had a gun in his other hand. He turned when he saw us and started walking in our direction.

"Hi, Emma. Sorry I kissed you." He had kissed Emma? That had been weeks ago in science class, hadn't it? I had a feeling maybe it wasn't what he was talking about. I looked from the gun in Rick's hand to Emma's frozen, wide eyed stare. What had happened this morning?

I looked to Sean for direction. My experience with guns was limited to computer and video games, maybe Sean would know what to do. Sean, as usual, only had eyes for Emma. He tugged on her elbow, whispering, "He's got a gun, ok; let's go!"

I moved towards the door. That seemed like sound advice. However, I wasn't entirely sure what was sound right now as everything seemed to have gone crazy. The whole world. My friend Rick had a gun at school.

"Don't turn away from me!" Rick screamed. I stopped, turning back around. I could have ducked behind Sean, but I knew that I had to do something. We were friends, weren't we?

"Glad I found you Emma. You made my list," Rick's voice was back to a quiet monotone. A list? Didn't he remember that Emma had been the one to stand up for him at school and outside of school? She had gone out of her way to include him and had lost a lot of social status in the process, no that she ever really cared about popularity.

It was up to me to inject some sanity into this whole thing. "Rick, what are you doing?" I asked, convinced this was all a big mistake. It had to be. I wouldn't even think of another explanation.

"You flirted with me. I thought you liked me, but that was something else," Rick continued.

I stared at the floor. Yeah, I, too, had once thought that Emma's natural friendliness meant more than it had, but that was just Emma Nelson. It was who she was. And I suddenly realized that my only friend intended to kill her for it.

I felt a chill run through my whole body and all power of speech left me. I need to say something, do something to stop this. But I was Toby Isaacs and I'd just screw it up.

"Just put the gun down ok? Anything else is just gonna make your life worse," Sean stuttered, moving himself so that he was between Emma and the gun, closer towards Rick.

I closed my eyes and prayed that Sean's words would reach Rick. He may be my friend, but I had no idea how to deal with this situation. My eyes kept being drawn back to the gun.

"It can't get any worse," Rick responded. I had never seen a real gun before. I could explain to you in great detail exactly what happened when a trigger was pulled, the way the hammer hit the back of the bullet where powder caused a small explosion sending the small piece of metal at the target at hundreds of miles per hour. However, I was helpless to do anything to stop it from actually happening.

Sean moved closer to Rick, cautiously, "Believe me it can. I know. We'll figure it all out okay?"

Listen, to him, Rick. Please listen to him. Sean will save you. Sean will protect you. Sean will save us all.

"Figure this all out . . ." Sean repeated softly.

"It's too late," Rick said looking right at Emma, seemingly having made his decision. NO! I had to do something, anything, but I couldn't move, couldn't speak. Too cowardly. The one moment when someone needed me and I couldn't do anything more than stand there and watch this drama play out, while a litany of stupid gun trivia facts ran through my head.

"No," Sean protested quickly, but Rick just pointed the gun over Sean's shoulder at Emma. "I've already shot someone," he said.

My mind raced through the implications of those four words, five if you counted the contraction as two, as Sean grabbed the gun by the barrel and started struggling with Rick.

"Stop!" I screamed, suddenly finding my voice when it was too late, far too late.

I heard the gun go off and Sean and Rick fell to the floor in a heap. Emma fell back against me as I felt my jaw go slack. I grabbed onto her arm trying to support her from collapsing to the ground. She was safe, for now.

I tried to tell her to run, to get out of here, in case Rick emerged from the pile, gun still in hand. I wouldn't be able to do anything but watch as he killed her. I wanted to tell her this, but I just stood, staring at the tangle of limbs on the floor, afraid to move even the slightest. It never felt like this when you shot someone in a video game.

"Sean . . ." I heard Emma whisper and I started to move forward only to have Emma, clutch wildly at me as there was movement from the muddle below us.

Sean stood up and I almost started crying myself. His hands were covered in blood and I tried to fight the nausea that was welling up inside. "Toby, are you okay?"

He just saved our lives and he was making sure I was okay. I wanted to ask him if he was alright, ask if I could help in any way, but all I managed was a shaky, "Yeah."

"Go get help. Call someone, anyone. Rick needs an ambulance," He said.

I ran, unthinking, toward the office. Mr. Raditch was in the outer office talking to Sheila about next week's lunch menu.

"Call 9-1-1. Get help here now. Sean – Rick – a gun. Rick shot. Tried to kill Emma. Get help. Now." I couldn't seem to make coherent sentences. I was out of breath and it wasn't just from running. Rick had tried to kill Emma. Who was to say he wouldn't have pulled the gun on me next?

Sean had saved us. My mind replayed the events, over and over. 'I've already shot someone,' my mental Rick said and I snapped out of a daze. The office had come alive with movement and phone calls since my announcement.

"He said he had already shot someone!" I said moving for the door. The first thought in my head was for JT. He had been laughing just as hard as anyone, more so. What if he had revealed his 'new favorite mental image' to Rick between classes? I moved to the door quickly, unsure of what exactly I would do once I found Rick's other victim, but determined to try nonetheless.

Mr. Raditch's hand snaked out and caught me. "Toby, you must stay here. I have to put the school in lockdown. Who knows if Rick was acting alone?"

I laughed. Other than me and Emma, Rick was always alone. The laughter died on my lips as I realized that maybe Rick liked being alone. Was that why he was after those who had reached out to him?

"But, there's someone out there hurt; Rick said he shot someone else," I explained.

"And I have a staff member handling the situation. Now I need to meet the emergency crew so that they can go help Mr. Cameron and Ms. Nelson. Stay right here," Raditch instructed before walking out of the room.

Even in a crisis, Mr. Raditch did not rush. I couldn't tell if that was comforting or infuriating.

It didn't take long before the school was swarming with cops in bullet proof vests and large guns. The investigators took longer to arrive. I was told to wait to be questioned in a library. I was sitting on a hard chair staring at the desk when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I have never been so glad in my life to see Ashley's mother. Wordlessly I stood and threw myself into her arms. She just held on tight.

"Are you alright? They wouldn't tell me much over the phone. I called your dad and he'll be on the next flight to Toronto, he promised. I couldn't get a hold of your mother; she seems to have turned off her cell phone," Kate rambled on, but I couldn't make much sense of what she said.

I turned and sat back down at the table. "We won the trivia game." I told her looking up. I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Oh, Toby!" She sat down next to me and pulled the chair in close so she could have one hand on my back and one on my arm as they sat folded in front of me.

"Rick did it, Kate. He knew every question. And at the end, when he won, this yellow paint fell from the sky. Well, from the stage lights' supports anyway. Followed by feathers. He went home and got a gun. He shot someone. Or claimed to. He tried to kill Emma."

"Emma Nelson?" I don't think Kate realized she spoke out loud until I looked at her. She looked horrified. Emma made an impression on people.

"Sean tried to talk him out of it, but he just kept saying these things," My voice caught and I thought for one terrible instant I would start crying right there in the library. "He said he shot someone, but I don't know who. Maybe he was just trying to scare us."

"Jimmy Brooks," Kate said looking at me. "Toby, I saw the ambulance take him away."

"Oh." It was the least appropriate thing to say, but between the relief that it wasn't JT and the total irony of shooting the one popular person who had stood up for him, excepting Emma, who he had also wanted to kill.

"He said 'hang in there,'" I said dully.

"What?"

"Jimmy. When I told him I was looking for Rick after the prank, before the gun. He told me to tell Rick to hang in there," I looked up at Kate, eyes wide. "Kate, I forgot to tell him when I talked to Rick. I only said like two sentences before he walked past me. He seemed like he was on a mission. I forgot to say that Jimmy wanted him to hang in there. If I had told him, maybe he wouldn't have shot Jimmy. I forgot, Kate. I forgot and now Jimmy could die!" My voice became higher and less recognizable with every word.

"Toby, this thing that happened. None of it is your fault. Rick needed help, obviously, help he wasn't getting. You are not responsible for his actions!" I believed her, mostly because I wanted to. Kate gave my arm a little squeeze and then started rubbing it as Mr. Raditch and a police officer led Sean over to a table behind me.

I looked up, but only momentarily before continuing to stare at the wood paneling of the table in front of me. Thank God Sean was alright. I half wondered where Emma was. The other half wondered what would happen to Rick. Would he go to jail? Juvenile hall? Was he still in the school? Had he been taken to the hospital?

I vaguely noticed as an older detective sat on my left. He leaned in close and I knew my coping time had apparently just ended.

"Toby why do you think he did this?" the detective asked in a gravely voice.

"I'm supposed to know?" I reacted on instinct. I didn't have anything to do with this. Just because I was friends with Rick, doesn't mean that I knew he would shoot someone. "Look, the guy's a psycho, okay? He's a total psycho."

What did that make me? A psycho's friend? A psycho in training? A psycho's sidekick like Robin to Batman?

"Was he bullied? Teased?" The detective continued.

What a stupid question! I answered angrily, "Always! Every day. Constantly."

My vehemence didn't stop the flow of questions. "What did your friend do when someone - "

I interrupted then, "Look he's not my friend. He's a psycho! And he's not my friend!" I buried my head in Kate's chest trying to avoid any more questions. Maybe if I said it enough I'd believe it. Cause Rick couldn't be my friend. Then we'd have to have things in common. I did not want to have anything in common with someone who could shoot Jimmy and try to shoot Emma.

"I'll give you some time…" I heard the detective murmur. But there wasn't enough time in the world. There wouldn't be a time when I wanted to answer these questions. Not ever.

I don't know how long I sat there clutching Kate. It felt like forever and at the same time like no time had passed at all. I had gone into an almost trance like state, not thinking about anything, beyond thought. I thought that if I lifted my head there would be more questions. Questions I didn't want to answer. I didn't see Emma at all, before we were ushered out of the school. I faintly wondered if she was alright.

Kate had to wait before they would let Ashley out for us to leave. Plus, the detective had told Kate that if we went out early we would be ambushed by reporters. By waiting until all the students were leaving it might be easier for me. It was a good idea. It didn't work.

"You were the gunman's friend. Do you know who he was after or why he did it?" A reporter with a gray jacket and pointy eyebrows asked me. I wasn't his friend I wanted to shout. But everyone knew that wasn't true. Even strangers like the woman in front of me.

"I don't know," I answered methodically, aware of Kate's hands directing me forward away from the camera.

"Did you try and stop him?" She asked this in the same way one might ask 'How are you?' Or 'do you want fries with that?'

"What was I supposed to do!" I shouted turning. He had a gun on one of my best friends. I thought he was one of my best friends. What should I have done? What could I have done?

But the reporter didn't have any answers for me. No one did.

"Let's go," Kate murmured, tugging on me to follow Ashley.

"Did the gunman say anything before he died?" the reporter pushed herself in front of me, but her words brought me up short.

I looked into her eyes, trying to see if she was lying, trying to get a reaction out of me. She just continued to look at me expectantly. "Died?" I repeated.

I don't know why, but I had imagined that, as scary and frightening as this was, that it would be over after a while. Jimmy was in the hospital, but he would be fine. Rick would get help and have to leave Degrassi, probably forever, but I would visit him on the weekends and let him know I thought he could do it.

I was vaguely aware of Kate pushing me into the front seat of the car and I automatically fastened the seatbelt. Next thing I knew, Ashley was shaking my shoulder. We were home. He died? He was dead. He tried to kill Jimmy. He tried to kill Emma. He was dead.

I got out of the car only to realize we weren't home at all. We were at Emma's. I looked to Kate for an explanation.

"With your dad out of town, I thought it would be easier . . . not to be alone right now," Kate floundered over the words as Ashley walked up the stairs. I didn't ask where my mother was. It was easier to pretend that she hadn't heard than to deal with my abandonment issues right now.

Keep the victims together right? Discuss parenting strategies. Dr. Spock didn't have a book on how to help your child who has witnessed a violent murder. Or was it suicide? Did Sean shoot Rick? Did Rick shoot himself? Did it matter?

I walked past Ashley into Emma's house and into the kitchen where Emma's family was gathered watching TV. I sat myself in front of it, hoping for more information. Hoping for new information; information that would tell me the reporter at Degrassi had been wrong.

Kate, Emma's mom and Mr. Simpson went into the living room to talk about us. Ashley called the hospital to talk to Paige like every 10 seconds. I stared at the TV willing someone to tell me it had all been a mistake. That Rick would be fine. That none of this had happened.

But every station said the same thing. Pizza was ordered and delivered. No one ate. The sun set, but we didn't turn on the lights. Each of us was lost in his or her own world when the woman that told me Rick died, whose name apparently was Rachel Rhodes, led of the six o'clock newscast.

"Following this afternoon's double shooting one student is dead and another remains in serious condition. The suspect, a 16 year old boy, whose name cannot be released was the student found dead at the scene." Suspect? Was there any doubt? Rick shot Jimmy. Rick brought the gun. Rick died. No grey area to be found. Every time the woman said 'dead' – so clinical and detached – I closed my eyes. Didn't she realize what her words meant?

"Toby, maybe you should turn that off now," Kate asked. I guess watching the news non-stop was getting on her nerves. I shot her a look, but I complied. Maybe she was trying to save me from watching my horrible guppy face in my real television debut. Beat that JT, I made the news and a trivia show. Although, maybe now Emma was right. Now they definitely can't air the quiz show.

I realized Emma's mom was talking and tried to rein in my scattered thoughts. "People do not get shot at Degrassi. They just don't." But no matter how many times she said that, it didn't make it untrue. It didn't make what had happened go away. Jimmy got shot at Degrassi. Rick got shot at Degrassi.

I could have sworn I saw Emma roll her eyes. "You talk about Degrassi like it's achieved sainthood. It's a school!"

"That's my point," Ms. Nelson said, her voice wavering as if she would start crying at any minute. Funny, but I didn't feel sad. Because none of this had really happened. But it had.

"Look we just didn't…none of us took Rick's bullying seriously enough. It would be an understatement to say that he was unpopular," Mr. Simpson's voice had taken on lecture quality.

I tried not to laugh, because nothing about this was funny. Was it? "Unpopular!" I scoffed. Understatement of the year, more like.

"How about full on psycho! Certified freak? The guy made us a lead story on the 6:00 news." Ashley spoke up.

I stood up abruptly and placed the remote on top of Emma's TV, none too gently. Like Ashley knew Rick. Like Mr. Simpson or Ms. Nelson did. All these people debating him like he was just another news story. Just another statistic. What did they know about Rick and why he did this? I was his friend, his only friend, and I was bewildered by it. How could they know anything?

"Ashley…" Kate warned.

Apparently Ashley was sick of walking on eggshells around me and the subject. She finally exploded with what I'm sure she had been holding in for a while, had been building with every phone call to Paige. "He shot Jimmy, mom! I want an answer. Who was this guy who shot him, if not some psycho!"

I left Emma's house slamming the door behind me, not waiting to see if I would be followed. I had called him a psycho only a few hours before, but that was what made the whole thing so . . . so wrong. Because he wasn't a psycho. He was Rick. He was a boy. He was my friend. And in spite of everything he had done, everything he had tried to do, in the end, he was dead.

So Mr. Simpson could lecture and Ms. Nelson could cry. Kate could try and protect me and Ashley could scream about him being a psycho. But none of us would ever know why.

I found myself in front of the school, where a small memorial had been set up. There were candles and flowers and people. I wondered briefly how many of them were there for Rick. If he had brought a gun to school and just shot himself would they be there? How many of them were thinking about their own behavior and what it had caused someone to do? How many of them would continue to tease and mock and bully on Monday, or maybe out of respect, not until Tuesday, giving a one day mourning period?

I felt a hand on my shoulder and knew it was Emma before I even turned to acknowledge her. Because even though someone had tried to kill her, she couldn't stop caring about everyone. She wouldn't stop caring about me. I tried not to let her see the tears running down my face. I didn't remember starting to cry, but I was.

A girl I had never seen before added a poster with pictures of Jimmy and I couldn't handle it any more. I turned to Emma and we sobbed together. Only one thought, one word echoed in my head. I turned once more to look at the poster again.

'Why?' it read. Why?


	16. Sean: What Have I Done to Deserve This ...

**A/N: I warned you it would be a while. However, this chapter is super long, so hopefully that makes it worth it. Still no lap top (crossing fingers for next week), so I make no promises. I have storyboarded (outline movie style) the entire thing, so it's really only a matter of having the time and word processing capability.**

**As for all my amazing reviewers. . . wow. 100 reviews. Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to tell me how much you like this, particularly those of you who have cited specific examples. I really do appreciate it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Pet Shop Boys, Sean Cameron or Degrassi. But if I did own Sean Cameron . . . well, I have rated this PG-13, so you'll have to use your imagination.**

_I walked down the empty hallway of Degrassi, backpack slung over one shoulder. The halls were incredibly empty for it being right after school, but I only half noticed. I was looking for someone._

"_Please, no," I heard Emma whimper as I approached the end of one hall._

_I turned the corner and saw Jay had her by the shoulders pushed up against the lockers. I watched helplessly as he reached down for a rough kiss. _

"_Stop!" I shouted, but Jay didn't react. I ran down the hall, but it seemed to get longer and longer._

"_Stop, please. Please," Emma's voice was choked with sobs, frightened as he worked his hand into her hair, tilting her head back to suck on her neck. I don't think I've ever seen Emma afraid of anything, even situations where she probably should have been. Each word she whispered stabbed at my heart, but I couldn't reach her._

_Jay pulled her to him for another kiss and then slammed her hard back against the locker. Her head hit the metal with a sickening thud and fell limp at an awkward angle. Jay let her go and she slumped to the ground. _

_I stopped where I was, all breath gone out of my body. Too horrified to move or speak. Only one thought rang through my head. 'This is all your fault.'_

_Suddenly, I was on top of Jay. Grabbing hold of his shoulders, I pounded him into the ground, punch after punch landing on his chest, his stomach, his face. _

"_Sean," I heard someone call out, shaking me from behind. I stood up, looking down at the bloody mess I called a best friend. He lowered his arms from his face and I saw my own face staring back at me._

"NO!" I screamed, sitting bolt upright on the couch, my pillow falling to the ground.

Ellie jumped back from where she had been trying to shake me awake. "Sean? Are you alright?"

I didn't answer at first, concentrating on getting my own breathing back under control. I was still shaken from the nightmare image of Emma's body slumping to the floor. _All your fault._ "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

"Bad dream?" Ellie sat back down on the couch next to me, taking one of my hands in both of hers.

You think? I wanted to retort, but I bit my tongue. I never was a morning person. "I don't want to talk about it."

Ellie rolled her eyes and dropped my hand, standing up immediately. "15 minutes till Jay picks us up for school. Something about not wanting to be late for some trivia thing."

What? I tried to make sense of a sentence that involved Jay and trivia, before giving up and moving to the more obvious problem that I faced. My girlfriend hated me.

Okay, so maybe that's not the right way to put it exactly. Lately, however, the phrase "we don't talk anymore" had become more and more common around the apartment. I didn't see how we talked any less than we had before we moved in together, considering we now spent nearly every moment of every day together, but according to females of my acquaintance that wasn't the same thing.

Girls.

The other, fairly obvious problem was that I, quite frankly, couldn't tell her what was on my mind. Ever since Jay's drunken fight with Emma, I couldn't get images out of my head of the two of them, whether awake or recently in my dreams. Sometimes, like the dream I had just awoken from, a drunken Jay was seducing/abusing Emma. Other times, Emma seemed to be enjoying, even instigating, encounters with Jay. I couldn't decide which dream I liked less.

I'm fairly certain that when Ellie said we needed to talk, that wasn't what she had in mind. 'Hey Ellie, I've been distracted by nearly constant thoughts and dreams of my ex?' I don't think so.

It's not like I wanted to obsess about Emma Nelson. I had been there and done that for over two years. I didn't want to dream about Emma. I didn't want to think about Emma. Ellie and I were happy together. I finally lived with someone who understood me, who loved me. Yes, being two sixteen year olds living on our own presented certain, er, challenges, but we were doing all right. No matter what, though, I couldn't shake this feeling of impending doom where Emma was concerned.

"Ten minutes!" Ellie shouted from the bedroom. After the world's quickest shower and a chocolate pop tart, I found myself face to face with Jay who pulled up in his little orange civic.

I hadn't seen him since our run in yesterday.

_Flashback_

I was pacing in front of Jay's locker, a can of formula from the shop that Mr. Ehl had loaned me, gripped tightly in my hands. I knew that whatever Jay, Alex and Spin would plan, it would not be good news for Mr. Murray.

What was he thinking with the big X on the car? You don't mess with a guy's car. It was like the holy trinity of what not to mess with: a guy's girl, a guy's car and a guy's mom. I pushed down thoughts of the last time I had seen my own mother. I guess there were exceptions to every rule.

Still, Rick had made a pretty major mistake in targeting the two guys who were most likely to go hunting for revenge. I had nothing against the guy in general, although the thought of what he had done to Terri still bothered me. She wasn't a friend, but she was a good person and no girl deserved what Rick had done to her.

'Whatever, Cameron,' a little voice whispered. 'You're just worried that old Ricky boy is up to his old tricks with your tree hugger.' The voice in my head sounded suspiciously like Jay as I tried to think of anything but Emma. I had enough problems of my own; Rick was on his own against Jay.

"Sean." Mr. Simpson's voice jolted me out of my thoughts. "What are you doing still here?" he asked. I started shifting my weight between my two feet, almost pacing in place, if you will. It was almost like he knew I had been thinking about his daughter. I liked Mr. Simpson, don't get me wrong, but he was still Emma's step-father and anyone could see that I was not the kind of guy you want your daughter to bring home. Even after this summer, even though Emma and I hadn't dated in almost a year, I couldn't stop thinking that I wasn't good enough around him.

"I'm just waiting for Jay, Mr. Simpson," I said, lowering my eyes to the ground. If I looked at him, I was afraid that he would know that Jay was up to something. I wouldn't rat out my friend, but at the same time, I would prefer not to take the blame of whatever harebrained scheme the three of them would come up with.

I wasn't expecting what he said next. "Toby just showed up for 'Whack Your Brain' with a bloody lip, Sean."

I looked right at him for a moment, surprised, before looking away. So that's what was holding up Jay. I tried to keep my anger in check as Mr. Simpson continued, "So you don't know anything about that."

That pissed me off. Of course I didn't know anything about it! Did Mr. Simpson know me at all? "What are you saying Mr. Simpson?" I met his eyes this time, trying to prove my sincerity. "Toby and I aren't friends anymore, but I would never . . ."

Mr. Simpson cut me off, holding his hands up as if to stop my words. "I'm not saying you would. I'm just saying that maybe you should remember that every action causes a reaction. I'd hate for things to get out of hand like they did last year."

I looked back at the ground for his lecture, a death grip on the cleaner. Mr. Simpson was smarter than anyone at this school gave him credit for, both administrators and students. He knew exactly who was responsible for this and also knew that I wouldn't let him get away with it by reminding me of last year, not only of how I had hurt Emma, but of my personal lowest point. It doesn't get much more out of hand than stealing from a dying man. But I couldn't let him see that I got it. That would be admitting Jay's guilt. If there was one thing I believed in, it was loyalty. Unfortunately for Jay, that meant to Toby, too.

"Sean . . ." Mr. Simpson's voice sounded exasperated, but it couldn't be helped. It was the code. Well, mine anyway.

I looked over my shoulder nervously. Jay should have been here a while ago, even with an apparent stop to beat up Toby.

"Never mind. Toby needs ice," Mr. Simpson sighed, moving on.

So Jay thought that he'd get back at Rick by beating up on Toby? Not cool. So far, in this whole Rick thing, the only people who had gotten hurt were Toby and Emma. I didn't want to see anyone else caught in the crossfire. As much as I didn't like rocking the boat, I didn't like seeing relatively innocent people get hurt.

'And Emma has nothing to do with it, right, Sean?'

I ignored that voice as the others finally reached Jay's locker. I shoved the can at Jay, anxious to get away before I exploded. It would be better to handle this situation when I was calm. "Man, just rub a little of this on a rag and you'll be fine. I gotta catch up with Ellie." I started to walk away, but something told me that whatever Jay and the rest of them had planned for revenge, it would happen sooner rather than later. With Alex involved, and her strange rivalry/obsession with my ex, I didn't doubt Emma would be involved somehow. I couldn't let this thing go.

Coming to a decision, I turned around and motioned at my supposed best friend. "Jay?"

"Sean, not in front of my girlfriend!" he joked. I willed myself to take a breath as he followed me down the hall. Jay always made lewd comments, no need to take offense now.

I waited until we were out of Alex's sight before I turned to face him. No need to bring her and her weird Emma rivalry into this at least. It would tell her that I had noticed it. That I had noticed Emma.

"You and I are cool, right?" I asked, trying to keep my composure.

"Listen, if this about you wussing out about paying back that little jerk-off, then yeah, we're cool. It wasn't your car and I know you've got other stuff to worry about without getting caught." He sighed. "If we get caught tomorrow, you're clean."

I raised one eyebrow at him. So he was planning something soon. "Get caught doing what?" I asked, automatically, then shook my head. I couldn't be distracted. "You know what, never mind that. As much as I appreciate it, that wasn't what I meant. What did I tell you about Isaacs?"

I thought I saw a glimpse of surprise and guilt flash across, Jay's face, but it was quickly replaced with his trademark smirk. "This is about your ex-girlfriend's nerd shadow? Are you kidding me? Look, that little wimp needs to know how to respect authority."

I fumed at the way he brought up Emma so carelessly, but even more at how he insulted Toby. Toby was a certified nerd, true, but he was also the most loyal friend at this school hands down. Just because he wasn't popular or cool . . .

I leaned in towards Jay, slowly at first, so as not to alarm him, and then swiftly brought my forearm up to his neck pinning him against the row of lockers behind him. "Cameron, chill, what's your deal?" he choked out.

I kept my voice quiet; I didn't want to have to repeat myself on this point. "I don't know what you did to Toby, man, but if I ever find out you were screwing with him again, I don't care how cool we are; I will hurt you."

"Yeah, yeah." Jay pushed me away roughly. I could see him fight the urge to rub the place on his neck where my arm had been moments before. "Listen Cameron, save your big brother act for someone who cares. Both of us know who this is really about."

I started to retort, but stopped myself. Looking in Jay's eyes, I saw that he got my message, even if he didn't want to admit it. We understood each other far too well.

_End Flashback_

"So Cameron, you coming or what?" Jay asked.

I looked at him for a moment longer, before Ellie pushed past me. "Well, I'm getting in," she said exasperated. She pushed the button on the side of the front seat, springing it forward, before shoving into the backseat. She stared out the window, snapping her rubber band.

Great, once again, my daily reminder that I'm a shitty boyfriend, brought to you by the letter 'J' and the number '3.' "Get in the car, Cameron," Jay said, looking away.

"Yes, mother," I sarcastically shot back, but I was smiling.

Jay winked at me and I knew all had been forgiven. He was speeding towards school before my seatbelt was even on. He looked over at me and then back at Ellie. He got the light in his eye he always did before saying something he thought was particularly clever, aka hurtful, so I cranked up some form of loud, angry music, saving me from any awkward conversations. Jay laughed, but didn't complain, soon screaming – er – singing along.

Before I knew it we were at school. "Get out, I got a trivia game to catch," Jay muttered.

"What?" I asked. I suddenly remembered Ellie saying something about the trivia game earlier this morning. Rick was on the trivia team. 'If we get caught tomorrow, you're clean,' Jay had said. Emma and Toby were on the trivia team, too. "Jay, I swear if you . . ."

Ellie got out of the car and looked at me pointedly. "What are you two talking about?"

"Nothing," I replied automatically. Ellie rolled her eyes and walked away, pushing me out of her way.

"Wrong answer, I guess, Seanie-boy. Trouble in the crypt?" Jay asked.

I stared after Ellie's retreating form and then back at Jay laughing at his own joke. I had to fix things with Ellie, but could I leave things as they were and trust Jay? I still didn't know exactly what he had done to Toby yesterday to make him bleed.

I heard the sound of a 'snap, snap' in my head and knew that I had no choice. Even if I wanted to make sure Emma – I mean, Toby – was safe from Jay's prank, Ellie needed me.

I slammed the door to the civic angrily. "Remember what we talked about!" I shouted, running after Ellie. I just had to hope that the warning was enough to prevent a disaster.

The important thing was to get to Ellie before she got to Ashley. Marco would give me the benefit of the doubt, but Ashley still blamed me for breaking Emma's heart at the end of the year party at her house after Grade 7. Never mind that Ashley herself had started our little make out party, it was completely still my fault somehow two and a half years later.

Girls.

Ellie was alone in front of her locker and I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt like I had won a race, until I saw Ashley approaching from the opposite end of the hall. Shit.

"Ellie!" I called loudly, rushing to get there first.

"Oh, so now you're talking to me? Or do you just stop by to tell me you still had nothing to say?" She didn't even look at me, busy pulling books out and into her backpack. Meanwhile Ashley was getting closer to us the entire time. I could only handle one angry female at a time. It was hard enough knowing Emma was perpetually pissed at me, even if I hardly saw her.

Thinking of Emma reminded me of the one way guaranteed to fix things with Ellie quickly. I swooped in for a kiss. She resisted at first, but eventually kissed me back.

I pulled away and whispered, "I'm sorry, El. Let's talk about it tonight when we get home."

I'm not sure if her eyes danced at the words 'let's talk' or me calling our ferret-infested apartment 'home,' but I was happy to see that twinkle either way.

"What's wrong with right now, Sean? We have time before homeroom," she asked excitedly. I guess it was the 'let's talk' part after all.

"Ellie! Thank goodness I found you. I am in desperate need of girl talk." Ashley swept in at that moment. And to think I was dreading her arrival!

I could see Ellie start to protest, so I cut in quickly. "She's all yours, Ash. I have her to myself every afternoon and night. No sense hogging the days, too."

"Sean, are you sure?" Ellie asked.

"Positive. I've got Simpson's M.I. class first, so I'll just surf the net until our mandatory morning television viewing today. Have fun!" I leaned in for a shorter version of our earlier kiss before taking off down the hall.

Catching a glimpse of Ashley's face I knew she was trying hard _not_ to glare at me as I walked away. She was failing.

I laughed as I headed off to Media Immersion. The lab was open, with an older woman, whom I could only assume was the substitute, already sitting at Mr. Simpson's computer. I nodded at the sub and took my seat. I spent the few minutes left before class started surfing the internet staring at the latest model of Mustang. A guy could dream, right?

All too soon, however, the sub, a Ms. Jost, according to her whole class announcement, instructed us to pay attention to the video monitor. "Whack Your Brain" filled the screen. I kept one eye on the Mustang page I had been checking out and one eye on the TV so as not to get in too much trouble with Ms. Jost.

I heard Jimmy's voice answer a question and I turned to the TV. Our stupid rivalry over the past four years made his voice all too familiar. Right then the camera panned the audience and I saw Spinner, Alex and Jay in the audience. What the hell were they doing there? Nothing good could come from this.

I had already taken two steps to the door when Ms. Jost called me back. "Young man! Young man, take your seat!" She called.

I froze debating my options. I could leave and draw attention to myself and undoubtedly take the blame for whatever the three stooges had probably already set up, or I could return to my seat and trust that Jay somewhat valued my friendship. Or feared me. Didn't really matter which, as long as one worked.

"Please, young man, do not make me call Mr. Raditch," the woman shrilled behind me.

I sat down. Chances are it was far too late to change whatever was going to happen and I might as well give Jay the benefit of the doubt. 'If you can't trust your best friend . . .' I didn't finish the thought, afraid of what that said about my life.

I had just made peace with my decision when another voice I would recognize anywhere came over the TV speakers.

"Franz Ferdinand," Emma answered. I heard in the background noise Jay's distinctive wolf whistle and almost jumped out of my chair again. This time, however, there was a hand on my arm, restraining me.

"Chill out, Jack in the box," JT hissed, sliding his chair closer to mine.

"JT, let go of me, now." My voice was quiet, but strong.

"No." I shot JT a glare and was somewhat gratified to see him gulp. Now if he would only let go of me, so I could pound something. JT continued anyway, "Listen, I don't know what your deal is, but charging the quiz show isn't going to do anything but get you in trouble and Emma, if this is even possible, which I doubt, even more upset with you. She's a big girl and she's taken care of herself for oh, about 15 years now. Whatever it is, let it go."

JT removed his arm and slid his chair back into place in one fluid motion, like an animal trainer releasing an alligator or deadly snake. I smirked at him, but knew he was right. Emma would be beyond angry if I messed this up. Plus I couldn't really afford to get in trouble after barely passing last year. Once again, where I wanted to be and where I needed to be were completely different places.

I sat back in my chair and sulked for the rest of the quiz show, watching intently to see if the cameras would once again show Jay and reveal his plan to me. He had to be up to something. Jay and trivia just didn't jive. Spinner and trivia was even funnier. It was like seeing the three of them at a Star Trek convention hosted by cheerleaders; the two of them were beyond out of place.

While they didn't show them again, the camera did focus on Emma an awful lot, especially considering she didn't answer another question. It seemed like the camera man was drawn to her; every frame that would be lag time was a close-up on my ex-girlfriend.

Not that I could blame him. The two girls from Northern were beyond plain and the guys on both sides, with the exception of Jimmy, fit the trivia nerd stereotype to a tee. Emma on the other hand seemed to shine on camera. The lights of the stage highlighted the blond in her hair making her seem almost angelic and her smile when her team got a question right was stunning. Even when she was troubled, and she would bite her lower lip in a gesture that I remembered all too well, she looked unbelievably endearing.

But her eyes betrayed her. It was impossible for me to have obsessed about this girl for as long as I had and not be able to read her moods. Something was bothering Emma. Sure, she looked like she was in the moment as much as anyone, but the way that her eyes kept flashing from Rick to the audience, with what was a little too similar to a deer in headlights look, had to be due to more than just a reaction to the stage lights.

I think I was the only Degrassi student who wished Degrassi would _not _tie it, trying to will this entire thing to just be over uneventfully.

"Bobby Jones?"

Well, so much for that thought.

Finally it was the lightning round. With every moment that went by and nothing had happened, you'd think I'd have calmed down and attributed my earlier concern to paranoia. Instead my apprehension grew with each passing second.

"Degrassi, who's up?" 'My boy' Joe asked and the camera focused on Rick as he made his way around the podium. He paused to whisper something to Emma and her whole body tensed, her eyes looking anywhere but meeting his gaze.

"Young man, sit down this instant!" Ms. Jost once again shouted. Except this time it was directed behind me, to JT. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides as he glared at Rick's on-screen image.

I swiveled in my chair and sent him a look that said later. He nodded, understanding my message and sat back in his chair, slowly. Both of us would handle this, but not now. JT may seem a bit of a practical joker, but I knew that he thought of Emma as a little sister. Both of us would pay a little visit to Rick after the show. Right now, I was more worried about Jay and his payback scheme.

After whatever Rick said to Emma, I wasn't entirely sure I would mind Jay's revenge scheme as long as no one else got hurt in the process. The camera once again showed the audience in anticipation and I noticed with a start that Alex was missing. I somehow doubted it was due to a bathroom break. Whatever they had planned was going to happen now.

The next thirty seconds seemed to take forever. The camera was only focused Rick, so I couldn't see if Alex had returned to her seat or not. The words went over my head, though, I was so caught up with worry.

Suddenly though, a great roar came from the on-screen crowd. "Degrassi wins! Degrassi wins!"

I stopped worrying for a minute as the camera focused on Emma again. She seemed startled for a moment before Jimmy swept her into a massive bear hug, which brought a huge smile to her face. Suddenly Jimmy and my rivalry didn't seem so stupid and I remembered all the reasons why I had disliked him for four years.

The camera soon returned to Rick, who, for the first time I had ever seen, seemed to be truly happy. When the yellow started to pour from the sky my first thought was that it was confetti gone horribly wrong. Some way to celebrate winning a trivia game. Nerds were weird.

From the look on everyone on-stage's faces however, this was not a normal occurrence. I had just enough time to register the look on Rick's face before the TV screen was replaced by a still frame saying the live feed was experiencing 'technical difficulties.'

Technical difficulties named Jay and Spinner. I said a quick prayer of thanks that Jay had kept his word and Emma and Toby had been let out of it. But I knew I had to find Rick. Maybe other people had dismissed his facial blankness as sadness or despair. I knew better.

I had been there. So far down that you don't see the point in anything. There was no telling what you would do when you got to that point. Craig had tried to kill himself by playing chicken with a freight train. Me, I deafened a kid, got sentenced to three years probation and moved out of my home to Toronto. I haven't even spoken to my parents in four years. It was hard to know your own mother didn't love you enough to help you when you needed it most.

There was no telling how Rick would react. Given his history, I didn't want to find out. I flashed back to Grade 7 and shoving Emma away from the fight. If she hadn't caught herself, if her head had hit a rock or sharp piece of metal . . . Rick and I were more alike than I wanted to admit. I needed to talk to him. No one else at this school would understand.

I could hardly wait till the bell rang ending first period. I jumped out of my seat, intent on finding Rick and trying to help him before he did something stupid. I may not like the guy, but I understood him and didn't that make me somewhat responsible for helping him?

I felt a hand on my arm restraining me. "Was that great or what?" JT asked, laughing.

"Or what," I answered, pulling my arm away and walking out the doorway.

"Are you kidding me?" JT followed at my heels. "Did you see what he did to Emma? I know you did. That little freak got exactly what he deserved." He paused to flex his arms in front of him, cracking his knuckles. "And neither of us had to get our hands dirty."

I had forgotten about Rick upsetting Emma, so caught up in my sudden connection to Rick. I wavered for a moment, before thinking about it from all sides. I was pretty sure the Sean Cameron in Wasaga, before Emma, wouldn't even have thought to try and help Rick. Emma had changed me to the point where such a thought was foremost in my mind. And I was pretty sure she'd want me to help now. In fact, if I knew Emma at all . . .

"I gotta go." I walked away from JT quickly, now more determined then ever to find Rick. Because if I knew Emma at all, she would try to help him herself. And there was no telling what he would do.

I walked toward the auditorium. I knew it was a long shot that Rick would still be there, but I had to start somewhere. I reached the double doors to the auditorium, as Jimmy came through them. His face showed he was looking for a fight. I knew that face all too well, also. Well, wouldn't you know it? Seems like conflict brings out the Sean Cameron in us all.

"What are you doing down here?" His voice was tinged with suspicion.

"I'm looking for Rick. Have you seen him?" I didn't have time to deal with Jimmy's paranoia, not right now. I flashed to an image of Emma lying on the floor of the hall from my nightmare. I didn't have time to deal with Jimmy Brooks.

"Why? So you can finish off what you started?" He asked angrily.

I tried to keep myself from rising to the bait. "What the hell does that mean?" I failed.

"Come on, Cameron. The entire school knows you and Jay are connected at the hip. So after ruining the one thing this guy has going for him, what are you doing for a follow up?" Jimmy took a step closer to me, trying to be menacing, I suppose.

"Look, I don't have time for this. Believe what you want to believe. But if you're looking for Jay's accomplice, I'd look a little closer to home," I shoved past him, but his voice stopped me from entering.

"What does that mean?" He echoed my earlier question, unconsciously.

"Why don't you go ask your good friend, Gavin?" I started to open the door, but Jimmy grabbed me and spun me around sharply.

I pushed him away from me. I didn't want to fight him, not right now, not ever again, but I would defend myself if I needed to.

Jimmy just held his hands out. "Look, man, I'm sorry. I believe you had nothing to do with this. But I would not go in there. Raditch is looking for a fall guy and it would be all too easy to pin this thing on you."

I looked at him for a moment. He made a good point, but we had never been friends. What was the catch? I heard a little voice in my head that sounded like 'give him a chance.' It sounded like Emma. Great, some people have angels and devils on their shoulders, my angel is my ex-girlfriend and my devil is my best friend. 'Maybe you should switch where the ex- goes?' Angel-Emma suggested. I pushed that thought away. Not now!

"Do you know where Rick is?" Didn't I already ask this like two minutes ago? I didn't want to spend all of lunch playing back and forth with Jimmy.

"Nah, man. He left right after and Emma went after him with some trophy. Toby tried to catch up with the two of them, but I don't know. I'm sure Raditch told him to take the afternoon off, you know?" Jimmy babbled on, but my mind focused on the fact that Emma had followed him. I had to find them; I just knew something was going to happen. I can't explain how I knew, I just knew.

"I gotta go," I echoed my earlier statement to JT, leaving before he could respond. I did a complete search of the school and turned up absolutely nothing. Finally, standing on the steps outside the main doors I spotted Emma and Toby eating lunch at a picnic table. Rick was no where in sight.

I let out a sigh. Rick must have gone home. Well, that was a huge waste of time. So much for my just _knowing_ something would happen. 'That is why I don't bother to try and help people. Just a big waste of time,' Devil Jay whispered.

I turned to walk into school. Well, I had about twenty minutes left to try and eat something.

"Sean!" I heard Ellie shout as I turned towards the cafeteria. So much for the idea of eating _lunch_ during lunchtime.

"Sean," she repeated as she caught up to me. "Where have you been? I've been looking for you all lunch period. Alex and Jay are missing, too, and some people are saying . . . well, you _didn't_ have anything to do with that prank did you?"

I stared at her in disbelief. How could she ask me that? I thought she knew me better than that. "I haven't eaten lunch. I have to go," I said, turning away.

"Sean!" She stretched my name out so that it was almost three syllables. Three syllables of whining and disappointment and accusations.

"No, Ellie!" I turned back around, angrily. "I didn't have anything to do with what happened this morning. If you understood me at all, you wouldn't even have to ask."

"Well, if you talked to me at all, maybe I would be able to understand you!" Ellie shouted back. Why in every relationship I am in, do I always have to be the bad guy? I guess I had been the one who wanted her to grow a backbone, but this wasn't quite what I had in mind.

"I said we would talk tonight. What more do you want from me?" I asked. Ellie just looked back at me, hurt in her eyes. Damn, I always fall for puppy dog eyes. "Listen, come with me to get my lunch and we'll chat. I really do need to eat before I pass out."

"Riiiiiiight," Ellie said, but she was smiling. I guess the thought of big, bad Sean Cameron fainting was an amusing one.

I left her at a table as I went through the lunch line. All that was left was some congealed mac and cheese. At least there was still chocolate milk. Food, glorious food. 'One more reason to give up the do-gooder life, moron,' Devil Jay whispered. 'Like Sheila's food is that great even when it's freshly made,' Angel Emma replied. I couldn't handle it – they were in my thoughts, in my dreams, in my school!

"Get out of my head!" I didn't realize I had spoken out loud until I saw Ellie give me that concerned face of hers as I sat across from her.

"Talking to yourself isn't that insane," I justified. "It's when the voices answer that you have to be concerned."

She looked at me, eyes wide for a moment before realizing I was joking and laughing along with me. It was good to hear her laugh. It had been far too long.

"So what did you want to talk about? I'm warning you, that for the first ten minutes of what ever subject you choose, I'm going to be silently enjoying my – er, lunch." I picked up a forkful of macaroni and watched it slide onto my plate. "Make that the first five minutes." With that statement, I put a forkful of the disgusting stuff into my mouth.

I must have been hungry because it didn't actually taste _that_ bad. Oh, it was bad, alright, but not that bad. That could also be because all I had eaten all day was a chocolate pop tart.

"Sean, the whole point of us talking was for you to open up to me about what's been bothering you lately. I can't do that for you. I want to be here for you, I do, but how can I, when you won't even tell me what's wrong?" Ellie asked. "I mean, things are going on in my life, too, you know. I know my mother was horrible to you, but she's really not that bad when she's sober. She's been calling from the clinic with horrible guilt trip messages. And then this came in the mail yesterday. She must have forwarded it to me."

I paused shoveling the lumpy pasta in my mouth for a minute to glance at the letter Ellie held out to me.

_To my dearest Ellie,_

_I know it must seem like forever since you've heard from your old man. Let me assure you that I miss you just as much as I know you miss me. Whether I'm in the mess hall, or on patrol or drilling, I am constantly thinking about you and your mother. Knowing that you are there to help your mother is such a comfort to me. I'm so proud of how well you've grown up, even if I'd had to miss some of that lately. My beautiful, independent girl._

_Look at me, getting all mushy in a letter. On to the important stuff. Your Uncle Jeff says 'Hi' and that he is watching my back out here. The desert is really beautiful at night. You can see more stars then you can imagine in existence. Each night I look for the brightest one and hope that it shines stronger than those Toronto city lights so that I know you can see it to. I hope that high school is treating you well. Just remember, no boys allowed until I come home to make sure he's good enough for my Eleanor – yes, I know that no one ever will be and I do trust your judgment – it's teenage boys I don't trust. If one gets fresh just remember what Uncle Jeff promised you . . ._

_Take care of your mom for me and write back soon, honey._

_I love you,_

_Dad_

I looked up at Ellie. "Jeff? I thought your mom's sister was your only aunt and uncle combo."

"Jeff's been in the same unit as my dad since I was little. Uncle in name only," she snatched the letter back quickly.

"What's he gonna do to me?" I asked, smiling.

"He threatened to castrate any boy that broke my heart." I choked on my chocolate milk, sending a spray all over what was left of the mac and cheese. Ellie laughed. "Are you okay?"

"Well, I promise not to break your heart." I pushed my tray away. Funny how the threat of . . . _that_ will ruin your appetite. "Geez, if only you had told me you had a psychotic Godfather _before_ I asked you to move in!" I laughed to show the statement was a joke, but Ellie just stood up and walked away.

"Ellie!" I started after her, before realizing my half eaten lunch was still on the table. I doubled back for it and quickly dumped it in the trash container. As I walked through the cafeteria doors I heard laughter behind me and realized Rick had walked in the other side of the cafeteria. Damn it, why did these things always happen at the same time?

Choices. Choices.

I ran after Ellie. "Ellie! Wait up!" I shouted catching her in the main foyer.

"Listen, I didn't mean that. I asked you to move in because I love you, not because I thought you were easy or anything." Ellie's face flinched and I realized that I may actually be making things worse. Would this day never end? I just want to have one day where I wake up without having crazy dreams, where I don't think about Emma, where Jay behaves, where I manage _not _to piss off my girlfriend, where I eat something that doesn't taste like old socks and where I can just RELAX! One stinkin' day! Is that too much to ask?

Apparently it is. Because now Ellie was crying. "Look, Sean, you don't have to say anything at all. It's fine really."

I shook my head, half in frustration, half in . . . okay, all frustration here. "No, El, it's not fine. You're not fine. You wanted to talk and we're talking. Don't run away from this." I reached a thumb up to wipe away a tear. "Don't run away from me."

She smiled as she brought up a hand to lay on top of mine, drawing it away from her cheek, then shyly, on tip toes, kissed me softly. "I love you, Sean Hope Cameron."

"And I love you." I didn't hesitate, even though both the Angel Emma and the Devil Jay were screaming 'liar!' I did love Ellie. Didn't I? I definitely cared about her and hated seeing her upset. That was love, right?

'Explore the meaning of life later, Socrates, focus on the problem at hand,' I reminded myself. "Now you know that and you know that I wanted you to move in and you _should_ know me well enough to know when I'm joking with you, as I was a moment ago. What's really going on?"

"Did you read the letter, Sean?" Ellie sat down on the stairwell step despondently. "How he goes on and on about how proud he is of how independent I've become and what a help I am to my mother? I ditched my mother, Sean! When the going got rough, I got going – as far away as I could! And independent? I wouldn't even make it through a day without slicing my arms open if it weren't for you and Ms. Sauve. It's like lately all I do is lean on other people! I mean, now, here even, I wanted to be there for you and help you through whatever it is you're going through – and don't even tell me you're fine, Sean, you've woken up screaming from nightmares twice this week – and instead I turn it into all about me. All about how you can help me. And then –"

"Ellie, breathe!" I interrupted, sitting next to her and pulling both of her hands into mine. "Don't worry about me. I'm not fine, but I will be. And as for your dad, your mom has had plenty of time to write him and tell him about the fire and rehab and everything else in between. She hasn't. Think about why."

Ellie shook her head back and forth wildly. "I don't know. Because she doesn't want him to worry? Because she doesn't want him to be disappointed in me the way she is?"

I was exasperated with how self-destructive she was being, but I forced my voice to stay low. "No," I replied shaking my head. "Because she knows the truth now. She knows that it is up to her to be the adult in your relationship, not you. And she's getting help so that she can come back and take care of you." I once again thought of creative ways to kick Mr. Nash's ass as a welcome home present if he ever returned. Take care of your mother! 'She's 16, you moron!' I wanted to shout at him.

I sighed before continuing. "She doesn't want your father to be disappointed in her. He could never be disappointed in you. It's obvious he adores you. Who wouldn't?" Ellie smiled again and I felt a rush of relief. At least I could still do _something_ right.

"Sean," she whispered. "What would I ever do without you?"

"Well, you don't have to worry about that now do you?" I gave her the patented Cameron lopsided grin. She reached up and kissed me again, nothing shy or soft about it this time.

The warning bell rang at that moment cutting off what could have been a truly awesome make out session. Ellie pulled away, looking guilty. "Sean, I didn't even have a chance to help you with what's been bothering you lately. I know you said that you'd tell me about home when you were ready, but I just thought that maybe you need to tell someone, even if you're not ready."

"You think I've been worried about my parents?" I blinked at her in disbelief.

She looked back at me confused. "Well, I did . . . until a moment ago, when you said that. Now I'm pretty sure not."

"Look, Ellie, I am _not_ going back to them and I don't want to talk about them!" I took a breath to try and force myself to calm back down. "Let's not fight about this. My parents and me . . . it's complicated."

Ellie sighed. "Fine. Get yourself to class." I started down the hall when I felt her pull me back for another long kiss. "I don't want to fight either," she whispered, pushing me away.

As I walked off to class I knew that I had that stupid Sean Cameron smile on my face. You know the one I'm talking about. The 'I can't believe I'm so lucky, but I'm not going to argue' one. I think I wore it for like two weeks after my first date with Emma.

My next class passed in a blur and all too soon, I was off to shop class. My favorite time of day. Maybe today was looking up. Yes, the morning had started off horribly, but now that Ellie was no longer angry with me and I was on my way to my favorite class, it was seeming to be a-okay.

As I walked down the hall, I couldn't help overhearing snippets of conversation.

"No the answer would be a sub n equals 62."

"I don't have time to learn about Warren G. Harding, idiot. Who cares about obscure U.S. Presidents anyway? We live in Canada!"

"Are you sure he's single?"

"No way, man, Halo 2 is way better than Half-Life 2!"

"Emma, why didn't you come with me to talk to Rick? He could really use a friend right now." Toby's voice was carrying down a side hall and stopped me in my tracks. Of course, merely the mention of Emma could do that to me. But Rick . . . I had almost forgotten about Rick.

"I talked to him earlier. It was your turn." Emma's voice sounded strange, pinched almost and I risked walking towards their voices, trying to figure out what exactly was going on. Emma wasn't the type to be intimidated, so something had to have happened.

Apparently Toby picked up on it as well. "Wow. Some friend, Emma. I thought you at least cared enough to tell me the truth," he said his voice growing softer as he moved from my end of the hallway.

Thinking the conversation was over, I started to head back down to the shop. I couldn't understand why Emma was lying to Toby. What had Rick done to make her nervous? The sound of a slamming locker halted me in my tracks and I turned back around as Emma's angry voice carried down the hall. "Like you tell me the truth?"

Emma angry was something I was pretty sure only Manny and I had ever experienced. Maybe I could jump in before she alienated one of the few friends she had left. I don't know why I wanted to help her; I guess I just figured it was the least I could do to make up for bringing Jay into her life and everything else. I walked back down, quickly and actually turned the corner this time.

"What does that mean?" I heard Toby ask.

I moved closer, not wanting to reveal myself as yet.

"What really happened to your lip yesterday?" Emma asked, leaning on the locker next to him. Her voice had calmed down.

Okay, so Emma can take care of herself, I was reminded once again. She's not stupid. I did, however, want to hear what Toby's answer was. Cause Jay sure wasn't talking.

He looked away. "It was nothing."

"I thought we had a deal, Toby. I stay away from Jay and so do you."

Why would they have made that deal, unless . . .

Two things had to have happened. One, Jay had terrorized Toby before yesterday and two, Toby had found out about the after school – um, conflict between Emma and Jay? He wouldn't have been stupid enough to confront Jay about it, would he? I felt a sickening feeling in my stomach. He would. Toby may be lucky that all he had was a bloody lip.

"We did! We do . . ." Toby must have realized he slipped, because he rushed to explain. "Look, I didn't go looking for him. Alex and Spinner and Jay were looking for Rick. I wouldn't tell them where he was, so Jay pushed my face into the fountain. I cut my lip on the metal part."

"No wonder Simpson was all over my case." The words slipped out before I could stop them. Emma jumped about a mile and I remembered they hadn't known I was eavesdropping. Oops. Well, now they did. I had wanted to talk to Toby today, to let him know that I wouldn't let Jay mess with him. Looks like now was that chance. "I figured something was up, but Jay didn't exactly tell me what happened."

"Now you're spying on me, too?" Emma spun around, anger firmly back in place. "Listen, Sean, Toby and I were having a private conversation, so why don't you take your Hardy Boys routine somewhere else? Just stay out of my life!"

Oh, that was rich! Bring up the Nancy Drew comment from last year will you? I was now almost positive Toby wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for her! And since when was she the only one who could help Toby? Her little deal hadn't exactly kept Jay away from him, but my method would.

But none of those semi-rational thoughts came out. Instead I lashed out. "Emma, can something for once not be about you?"

Emma's eyes grew wide with surprise and hurt and all the anger just deflated inside of me. I flashed back to the last moment of my dream. All this foreboding and shit I had felt about was bogus, because in reality, the only person who would hurt Emma was me. I was the only person who had ever hurt her. And I couldn't bring myself to stop.

Jay told me to stay away from her; Alex told me to stay away from her. I'm pretty sure Ellie would have told me to, if I had asked. And now Emma had asked. And I would have to respect that, for her own sake.

Toby was still staring at me, pity in his eyes. I did not come over here to have Toby feel sorry for me. I forced my face to go blank; I was good at that.

My voice was flat, but still strong. "Listen, Toby, I know we haven't talked in a while, but you have to believe I had no idea Jay was beating up on you. I wouldn't have let it happen. You and I may not be exactly friends any more, but I don't forget people who were there for me when I needed them, okay?" Okay, so I have officially surpassed my sap quotient for the day. It was necessary, though. I could see Toby light up.

He had just looked up, mouth half open to respond when we heard the gun shot. For a minute I thought I had imagined it. I mean, I may be Degrassi's version of a tough guy, but I had only heard a gun go off one time, when Old Man Lloyd shot himself back at the trailer park in Wasaga.

That's the thing about guns, though. You hear one once; you'll never forget that sound. Some people say it sounds like a car back-firing. Those people have never heard a gunshot.

Toby recognized it, too, I could tell the way his eyes got wide. A gun at school? We had to get out of here. I watched as several kids ran by us, away from the hall I had stood in not moments before. Maybe it was a good thing I hadn't headed towards shop, after all. Okay, so now I knew which direction to go towards. I turned to Toby, to tell him to get out of here, but he wasn't paying attention to me at all.

His eyes were stuck on Emma, who was moving _towards_ the hallway where the kids had fled from. Damn it, Emma, what are you doing? I found myself wishing for the first time ever that Emma hadn't been quite as sheltered as a child, so she might have some small bit of common sense!

Speaking of no common sense, Toby started to follow her. I reached out my arm, so that he was behind me as I moved closer to Emma. It was like she was in a trance of some kind. I remembered the one movie night where Emma had made me watch all her favorite Disney films. I had mumbled and grumbled and complained, but there was something a little bit fun about making out with her while small woodland creatures sang and frolicked on screen. Her movements now were right out of _Sleeping Beauty_, walking after that glowing green light.

Emma froze suddenly and I moved a bit beyond her to see what had made her stop so suddenly.

Earlier I had wondered what Rick would do at his lowest moment. I now had my answer. Rick was crossing in front of slowly and methodically. In his right hand he was holding a gun.

I knew suddenly that my earlier instincts had been right. It was like a horrible victory. Good news – you were right; bad news – someone may be dead now. Because I was certain that Rick shot someone. 'You just had to follow Ellie when you knew what Rick was going through . . . you saw it in his eyes and you chose your girlfriend? Why, so that you could get some later? And now someone could be dead.'

SHUT UP! I shouted internally. I had to do something, now. I had to get Emma _and_ Toby out of here and quick.

"Hi, Emma. Sorry I kissed you," his voice was all one tone, but it was the words that caught my attention. He had kissed Emma? 'FOCUS, Sean!' I shouted internally. We were standing in the doorway, we could probably make it out easily if we left before he got any closer. Why wasn't Emma moving?

I grabbed at her elbow and tugged gently trying not to alert Rick into reacting. "He's got a gun, ok; let's go!" Somehow I seemed to have gotten through to her because she followed my motion towards the door.

"Don't turn away from me!" Rick screamed. I tried to keep Emma moving toward the door, we could be around the hall and safely out of the hallway before he even brought the gun up, but Emma had turned back. I followed her, not moving my hand from its death grip around her elbow. Realistically my hand on her arm wouldn't protect her from much, but having my hand there comforted me somehow, like if I could just keep contact with her everything would be okay.

"Glad I found you Emma. You made my list." Rick's hand on the gun was shaking, but he was moving ever closer. Instantly my focus shifted from getting both of them out of there to saving Emma. This wasn't some spur of the moment rampage. Rick had thought about this. Rick had formulated a list. Rick wouldn't hurt Toby. But for some reason he had turned on Emma.

I glanced at Emma as Toby spoke up, trying to communicate with her some kind of plan. "Rick, what are you doing?" Toby's voice was shaking. The look on Emma's face was pure terror and it hurt to see it. Emma was always so strong, so brave. But she had turned into a statue of fear.

"You flirted with me. I thought you liked me, but that was something else," Rick continued. I was breathing heavily now. With each phrase Rick was coming closer and closer. With each second Emma was running out of room and time.

Emma turned to me slightly, her eyes going impossibly wide as she stared at the gun. I felt like I was trapped in my dream again, except this time it was real. And this time I couldn't fail Emma. It was up to me. I had to do something.

My voice was shaking as I moved in front of Emma, placing my body between the gun and her. "Just put the gun down ok? Anything else is just gonna make your life worse." I left my hand at Emma's side as long as possible, but let go so that I could protect her better. As soon as I was separated from Emma, I felt a wave of fear wash over me, my confidence shattered. If Emma's life was in my hands, she was as good as dead. After all, what had I ever done, but hurt her?

"It can't get any worse," Rick responded. Rick wouldn't even look at me; his eyes were focused on Emma. I had to get through to him, to make him see that I knew exactly what he was going through. 'You mean when you shoved Emma to the ground? Or when you deafened Tyler? Face it, you're nothing but a loser.' This time the voice of doubt was not Jay's but my own.

My mind flashed to a picture of Emma in her bridesmaid dress, hair wild - right before our first kiss. I had to try. "Believe me it can. I know. We'll figure it all out okay?" With each word I stepped further from Emma and safety and towards Rick. If I could just get him to look at me, to see the understanding in my eyes, I _knew_ I could get through to him.

"Figure this all out . . ." I repeated softly, stuttering in fear. I watched as Rick lowered the gun. I was so close to getting to him, but I knew that anything too sudden would spook him.

I don't know what happened, but I saw something change in Rick's eyes and I knew I had once again failed. 'It's my life,' I had once told Mr. Simpson in Grade 7. Now he would know it was the truth, in the worst way imaginable. "It's too late," Rick said staring at Emma.

"No." My whisper was more of a plea. No! My head echoed loudly. Each moment seemed to last hours and at the same time was gone instantly.

Rick pointed the gun at Emma so that the barrel was right over my right shoulder. "I've already shot someone," he said, his voice determined. I turned to stare at the barrel. Rick may have already killed someone with this gun. He wanted to kill Emma.

I heard Emma gasp in fear and I did what I have done so many times before, I made a choice. This time the choice was clear. I reacted without thinking, grabbing the barrel of the gun and pulling it down, trying to twist it out of his grasp. I was a champion wrestler once, but that seemed another lifetime ago and I didn't have to worry about a gun, back when I wrestled for Degrassi.

I heard Toby screaming in the background, but the words were muffled by the pounding of my heart. The longer we struggled, the more likely it was that . . .

The gunshot was unbelievably loud at close range and my eyes flew open wide. Rick shuddered or was that my body shaking? For a minute I wasn't sure what exactly had happened as I felt a warm liquid seep through my sweatshirt and jeans. Had I? The thought was too embarrassing to contemplate. I sagged to the floor, from fear or Rick's weight or some combination of the two and landed hard on my left arm. I felt something tear into my arm and for the first time felt pain.

"Sean . . ." Emma's voice was so soft I almost thought that I was dreaming, but the pain in my arm reminded me that this was real. And I was alive. But the gun? I shifted my weight, slowly, afraid to accidentally set off the gun again, or worse that Rick would stand up and continue where he had left off, with me in too much pain to do anything but watch helplessly.

I stood up gently, extricating myself from Rick and placed myself between Emma and Rick's prone form. I had won round one, but I wasn't yet completely convinced there wouldn't be a round two. Emma had her eyes screwed shut, but Toby was staring at me. Or more specifically, staring at my hands. I looked down to see that my hands were crimson in blood. Looking down, I saw I had similar stains on my sweatshirt and jeans. Rick's blood.

I had never been big on blood. Usually I got extremely nauseous. For some reason all I could think of was the fact that I had someone else's blood on me. Blood that I may have caused to spill. I had a vision of me hitting Tyler again and again until his blood covered my hands. And then . . . I had to do something and quick.

"Toby, are you okay?" I asked. My voice was surprisingly calm sounding, a total lie of the feelings going through my system.

"Yeah," Toby's voice was shaky, but I heard him.

"Go get help. Call someone, anyone. Rick needs an ambulance," I knelt next to Rick and looked for where the blood was coming from, not even looking to see if Toby had followed my advice. In my experience, the police were not likely to believe the word of a kid that had just gotten off probation for hurting another. This mistake could mean real jail time. I had to stop Rick from bleeding. But there was already so much, on me on the floor. I needed something to stop it. My sweatshirt hadn't been washed in far too long, infection wouldn't be long in following.

I brought my head up quickly, searching the hall and realized Emma was still there, staring at me. In my flurry of activity I had almost forgotten about her. Her eyes were open now, wide and I noticed she was slightly shaking, hugging her sweatshirt closer to herself. Her sweatshirt!

"Emma, can you hand me your jacket or a cloth or something?" I asked, taking my own off. I could use hers against the wound and then add my own to add pressure. I didn't have much boy scout first aid experience, but it sounded like something they would do on TV. Emma still hadn't responded however.

I looked up at her. She was so pale and silently sobbing, her entire body shaking now, almost convulsing. "Emma! Are you okay?" I had never seen her like this and I grew concerned. Had Rick had a back up plan? What else had this psychopath done to her?

Emma's eyes fluttered shut and her whole body seemed to sway before she crumpled to the floor. "EMMA!" I shouted, immediately moving towards her, before remembering my plan.

It always came down to a choice.

I pulled Rick's shirt away from his chest and pressed my sweatshirt against the wound, hard. The bleeding slowed, but continued, soaking through the thin material. It looked like the whole was right over his lungs. I couldn't be sure, but I didn't think he was breathing. I checked his pulse and there was nothing.

He was dead. Rick was dead. He had been shot. He had pointed the gun at Emma. I had moved the gun. He shot. He died. Had I killed him?

That thought jarred me out of my action plan and I jumped away from his body like I had been shocked. I moved over to where Emma lay in a position sickeningly similar to my nightmare. I lifted Emma till she was lying in what I assumed would be a more comfortable position, before I checked her pulse. It was steady. She must have fainted. I moved her into my arms, not wanting to wake her. It would be bad enough waking to this nightmare; she didn't need to see Rick's body, also.

Having her lie against me seemed to make the panic and fear disappear. I brushed her bangs away, staring down at her face. It was like she was sleeping. I flashed back to all the movie nights we had had at her house. Sometimes she would pick and I would pretend to hate whatever sappy love story or musical she would make me watch. I couldn't bring myself to hate the animal documentaries she loved so much, there was too much science that I secretly enjoyed. I would always pick a horror movie or violent action film, not so much because I liked them, but to have Emma curled up next to me, burying her face in my shoulder during the gory or violent moments.

During one particularly bad movie where I don't think Emma had seen more than two minutes of film, it was so bloody, she had fallen asleep in my arms. I had just watched her, content to hold her in my arms. I promised myself I would always protect her; keep her as innocent as she looked when she was sleeping.

Who knew she mostly needed to be protected from me? Maybe today I had made up for everything else I had put her through in some way. I hoped so.

At that exact moment, the hallway was suddenly flooded with EMTs and police officers. "We've got another one, maybe, two!" A man in a uniform screamed into a walkie talkie. Another knelt down next to me and slowly lifted Emma out of my arms.

I scrambled up to stand next to him. Again as soon as I lost contact with Emma I was nervous again. "I think he's dead. I tried to stop the bleeding, but there was so much blood. He wasn't breathing. He had no pulse. I didn't know what to do. He brought a gun. He wanted to . . ."

"Shhh . . ." Another man placed his hands on my shoulders from behind. "Let the medics work here. Let's get you someplace safe." School was no longer safe. He started to propel me towards the office, but I refused to move.

"Emma, she fainted," I told the man holding her, not sure what else to say. "Her Dad's classroom is right there, I think . . ."

"The school is in lockdown, son," the man behind me indicated. "We need to get you guys out of this hallway."

I acted like I hadn't heard him. "He has a prep period now. Please. I don't want her to be afraid when she wakes up."

The man holding Emma nodded, seeming to understand. "Agent Collins, why don't you secure the perimeter? I've got these two."

"Sure thing, sir." And suddenly the mystery ghost behind me had disappeared.

"Why don't you show me that classroom, son?" the man with Emma asked.

"Can I?" I indicated Emma and he handed her back to me. Immediately my peace of mind returned. Great now I needed an Emma security blanket.

Looking down at her, she seemed so tiny, so fragile. I realized how close we had all been to losing her today. I thought back to last year. What had I called her? Environmental crusader, baby-sitter, nurse? All those people who needed Emma. All those who had almost lost her and may not even realize it yet.

I turned back down the hallway I had stood in only minutes before arguing with Emma. It seemed like another lifetime.

Her locker was still open, the door swinging slightly. An officer must have knocked into it. With their bulky forms it would be easy to do. The M.I. classroom was in the same hallway and through the glass windows I saw Mr. Simpson was pacing behind his desk. I indicated the door and the man, who I now noticed had white hair, older than I would have thought possible, opened the door without knocking.

"Emma," his voice came out choked and he moved towards me, but I ignored him, moving to a couch in the back.

The older man must have restrained him, because I was alone as I lay Emma down on her Dad's couch. I made sure she was comfortable, brushing the hair away from her eyes once again. My fingers lingered on her cheek just a moment longer than was necessary. I wasn't even with Emma any more and I would have died for her. I may have killed for her. What did that say about me? What did that say about her?

"I'm Captain Lyon with the Toronto police department," I heard the older man introduce himself. "From the emergency calls we received it appears a student brought a fire arm to school and shot a young man and himself." I didn't bother to correct him. They would know the real story soon enough. I might as well have one more moment with Em before they took me away.

"Your daughter and this young man appear to have witnessed his suicide," Captain Lyon continued.

Mr. Simpson, although showing great restraint, had by this time made it to the back of the room and I stood up. "Emma fainted, Mr. Simpson," my voice which had been so sturdy before was cracking and breaking like I was 13 again. "I'm sorry. I tried . . ."

I don't even know what I was trying to say, but he knew somehow, just by looking at me, what had happened. Before I knew it I was in a Mr. S bear hug. "Thank you, Sean. Thank you so much."

I pulled away embarrassed by the show of affection from a teacher. How had he known? I looked at the floor, at the walls, anywhere but at him directly.

"Young man, are you all right?" Captain Lyon asked. It took me a minute to realize he was talking to me.

"What?" I asked rather dumbly.

"Sean, you're bleeding!" Mr. Simpson said, holding my arm up so that he could see the cut better.

"When I fell, I must have cut myself. I'm fine, really Mr. S," I argued. Not like Rick. Rick was dead. 'Better him than Emma,' I thought, forcing all thought from my brain. It wasn't difficult. My head was surprisingly thought-free for the most part. My arm didn't hurt anymore. Nothing hurt anymore.

I was numb, I realized. I shrugged. Numb was better than dead. Or was it the same, except with a heartbeat?

"Let's get that arm bandaged up, just to be safe," Captain Lyon said, gesturing toward the door. I looked over my shoulder at Emma. Should I leave her? She hadn't stirred yet. How long did people stay out when they fainted? The Captain seemed to read my thoughts. "Your girlfriend will be fine. Do you really think she wants to see you this way?"

I didn't bother to correct him about me and Emma, too busy looking myself over. The black of my jeans only did so much to hide the blood stain. My arm was now dripping with my own blood. He was right. Emma didn't need to see me like this.

As we started towards the door, Ms. Nelson walked in. "Archie?" her voice was like a cry.

"She's fine, Christine," Mr. Simpson reassured her, rushing over to pull her into a hug. I heard them whispering as Captain Lyon and I moved toward the door.

"Sean." I heard Ms. Nelson's voice and stopped. She put her hands on either side of my face cupping it. "I'm not sure what happened out there, but I know you saved my baby. Thank you!" She started to sob and I hugged her awkwardly.

Didn't anyone get that I had killed someone? Yes, Emma was safe, but I couldn't help thinking if I had done something differently or said the magic word, Rick would have put the gun down and we all could have gone for a milkshake. Okay, maybe not, but he would still be breathing. I had failed. Again. Just like my mother and father, I was destined to screw up. And in less than five minutes two people had _thanked_ me for it?

I had to get out of here before I went crazy. But the captain was watching me like a hawk, so I merely extricated myself from her grasp and walked towards the door.

"Sean!" This time Mr. Simpson's voice stopped me. "Let me come with you. I don't want you to be alone right now."

I wanted to tell him to stay with Emma, but my voice had stopped working. The cold numbness that had invaded my arms had spread to my throat it seemed. So I merely nodded.

Walking through the halls of Degrassi was odd. It was empty and silent except for the footsteps of men and surprisingly animals. Dogs, which I was told were sniffing for bombs, by the suddenly chatty Captain Lyon, walked with officers in riot gear and large rifles. I should have felt scared, but I was too numb to notice.

Mr. Simpson was ordered to leave me when I arrived at the medic station. He told me he'd stay as long as I wanted, but I could see in his eyes he wanted to get back to Emma, so I let him go.

It didn't take long for the EMT to clean my wound which had traces of gun powder and slight burn marks. Apparently I had fallen on the gun with my whole weight plus Rick's which had torn up my bicep. I guess I was lucky the gun hadn't gone off twice but it was hard to feel lucky right now.

Mr. Raditch arrived as I was bandaged up and took me to a table in the library where I noticed Toby was already sitting with his sorta step-mom. Emma's parents were here. Toby had someone. I was on my own yet again. Why would my parents want to associate with me, world class loser, certified killer?

Captain Lyon asked if I needed to call anyone, my brother perhaps. I started to tell him about student welfare and my living arrangement, but I didn't have the energy required to give a proper explanation. I just shook my head no.

All too soon it was my turn to be interrogated. I told the detective exactly what had happened. I followed Emma; Toby followed me. I repeated the conversation verbatim, surprised at how strongly those words had imprinted themselves into my memory. I guess I'd have those words with me forever. I told him how with his last words Rick had pointed the gun at Emma, that I had struggled with him, that the gun had gone off.

Rick was dead.

Surprisingly, they didn't lock me up right away. I didn't complain. I'm sure they would take their time and build a solid case first and arrest me later. Of course, in my new life as an ice statue I couldn't do much more than raise an eyebrow in surprise.

"You'll have to wait till the lockdown is over to leave," Captain Lyon said, as he and the detective stood up. He leaned in close to me. "I don't know where your parents are right now, but I'm sure they're proud of you. You did good, son."

For some reason his words didn't feel condescending and for the first time I began to hope that I wouldn't be blamed for this somehow. Before long, Raditch's voice came over the loudspeaker. "The lock down is over."

I didn't hear the rest of his message; I was out the door and on the way to the M.I. lab. Re-telling the story had just made me realize how close I had come to losing Emma. I needed to see her, to see for myself that she was okay. The lab door was closed, the lights off and empty.

"SEAN!" I felt arms encircling me from behind and turning realized it was Ellie. My girlfriend. Who I convienently had managed to forget. Who I had not thought of since we left each other at lunch when I said "I love you." In my moment of greatest need, when your life is supposed to flash before your eyes, I didn't even remember my girlfriend. Was that love?

"When we heard there was a shooting . . ." She hugged me tighter. "And then when Sauve came and got Hazel, for a minute I was relieved you know? Isn't that horrible? I feel horrible for Jimmy now of course, but for that one moment . . ."

"Jimmy?" I repeated dumbly. '_I already shot someone,_' Rick's voice echoed in my head. But Jimmy had been willing to fight me when he thought I was behind the prank. And Emma had been nothing but kind to Rick since the ribbon campaign had ended. What had made him target those who had helped him? Maybe I had saved Toby, as well.

"Let's get out of here," Ellie said as another officer with a large gun opened the classroom across the hall. I nodded, following her. "What happened to your sweatshirt?" she asked.

I flashed back to Rick's body on the floor of the hall, my bloody sweatshirt wadded on top of him. I shuddered and kept walking right out the door, not answering.

As I descended the steps I saw Captain Lyon give Ellie a funny look. Or maybe the look was at my arm draped around her waist. I nodded at him, but gave him no further acknowledgement. Parents and reporters were in a huge clump, swarming around the ambulances to push towards the front. It reminded me slightly of the end of the year dance last year, except less fun. By a lot.

Ellie and I stood staring for a minute, two loners without anyone looking for us. On our own.

"There he is!" I heard a voice shout and before I knew it flashes were going off in front of my eyes.

I didn't wait to hear what the reporter was asking me, grabbing Ellie's hand and sprinting through the crowd till we reached the street. "Sean? What?" she gasped for air, confused.

I heard a car to slam on the brakes in front of us and forced myself to slow down. Only one near death experience per day, I guess. To my surprise, it was Jay's civic. The door popped open and Alex climbed into the back. Ellie followed. "Well?" Jay asked. "Us outcasts gotta stick together!"

I heard the reporters behind me getting closer, finally having their long camera wires wound through the path Ellie and I had cut through the crowd. I jumped into the car and Jay sped off tires squealing. It was a while before anyone spoke.

"Why were those reporters after you, Sean?" Ellie broke the silence when we were almost at our apartment. She couldn't have waited a little longer?

"Rick brought a gun to school." My voice sounded gruff, I guess from a lack of use. "He tried to shoot Emma. I stopped him." I noticed Jay's grip on the steering wheel tightened until his knuckles were white.

"What?" Ellie shrieked. "Are you okay? Is Emma okay? Rick . . ."

"Is dead," I finished, turning away, willing her to stop talking.

"Sean," Ellie started, but I saw Alex shush her out of the corner of my eye. I guess not even Alex has something bad to say about Emma when the subject is serious enough.

Before long we reached our apartment. I got out without saying a word, forgetting to put the seat up. I heard Ellie making apologies for me and thanking them, but I just stood at the door waiting for her. The door was locked. I didn't have my keys out. I just stood there.

Ellie came up to the door and unlocked the apartment. I went inside and turned on the TV, flipping towards a news channel. Maybe they would have answers. Maybe they would show Emma. I wasn't sure which I wanted more. I needed both.

I could hear Ellie pacing behind me. She was in the bedroom, then she'd walk to behind the couch as if she was going to say something, then she'd walk back to the bedroom. I breathed a sigh of relief every time she walked away. I wasn't ready to talk about it. I don't know if I ever would be.

"Following this afternoon's double shooting one student is dead and another remains in serious condition. The suspect, a 16 year old boy, whose name cannot be released was the student found dead at the scene." I recognized the woman as the one who had been talking to Toby as we left Degrassi. Rachel Rhodes herself apparently. At least Jimmy was alive.

"From all accounts the accused was a quiet child, one who kept much to himself. He had few friends." Understatement of the year, that. Ordinarily I would have laughed or had a smart ass comeback. Tonight I just stared.

"We are told he was the star of the show, single handedly winning the competition only to be doused with yellow paint and feathers by fellow students on camera," the reporter droned on as Ellie finally sat next to me, rubbing her fingers up and down my arm. I know I was staring at the screen unblinking. But I alternated between over-thinking and completely un-thinking. Had this all been Jay's fault? Emma could have died. I could have died. I didn't want to think about that.

Ellie put her head against my shoulder. I know she was trying to help, but I wanted to be alone right now. Or with Emma. What if she needed me again? 'Yeah, Cameron cause after fifteen years of life and 3 years of you hurting her, she's likely to need to be rescued from crazy gunmen twice in the same afternoon by you and you alone.' Point taken.

"That afternoon the suspect returned to school with a handgun. The principal, Daniel Raditch, who is a veteran educator and has been at a teacher at Degrassi Community School for more than twenty years reportedly asked the accused to take the afternoon off. It was then that the rampage started. For currently unknown reasons, the accused hunted the halls for his teammates. He shot one in the back and was about to fire upon another when the gun was wrestled from his hands." Rachel Rhodes wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. The things I needed to know were left unsaid; the questions were either unanswered or, worse, unasked.

I wanted to know if Emma was alright. I wanted to know if I would be facing murder charges in the morning. I wanted to know why Rick had gone after the people had helped him the most. Why hadn't he targeted Jay or Spinner or Alex?

But mostly I wanted to know what I could have done differently. What could I have done to change this?

"Sean, let's turn this off. You need to eat something," Ellie's face in the flickering blue light of the TV was scrunched into lines of worry. I looked at her blankly, the same way I had been staring at the TV.

I need to eat? How the hell did she know what I needed right now? Had she had a madman's gun pointed at her? Had she felt the bullet rip through another guy's body? A guy who was now dead? Dead was forever.

"Sean?" Ellie was shaking me now, apparently she had still been talking to me. I shook her off, turning back to the TV as Rachel Rhodes' TV station took us a live feed of Degrassi. Someone – a lot of someones it seemed had created a shrine – with flowers and candles. I wondered how much of it was for Rick.

The camera panned the audience and I caught a glimpse of Emma and Toby, holding each other along the edge of the group. Emma was alright, well, as alright as she would be for a while, tears streaming down her face. I was glad they had each other.

I flashed back momentarily to this morning when I had watched Emma and Toby on the quiz show. '_He was the star of the show, single handedly winning the competition only to be doused with yellow paint and feathers by fellow students on camera,_' the reporter's voice echoed in my head, or were they replaying her report I couldn't tell.

On screen fellow students were interviewed at the candlelight vigil. "He was a freak, psychotic," some Grade 9 was saying, his eyes wide.

I had seen it in his eyes that morning. And I had understood. I could have helped him. Instead he was dead. I had been there before. I had deafened a kid.

"It makes you realize how evil the world is. Who could do something like this?" A blonde who was in Grade 12 asked on camera.

'I could,' the answer came out before I could stop it. If Rick was a psychotic freak, what did that make me? I pushed away from the couch, turning the TV off angrily.

The room was immediately cloaked in darkness. "Sean?" Ellie's voice was beyond worried.

I turned to her in the darkness. "I need to get some sleep, El. I need to forget."

I thought I felt her nod before she got up and walked into the bedroom, taking the phone with her. I lay on the couch in the darkness staring at the ceiling.

'_I need to forget._' The words echoed in the empty living room long after she was gone. But I knew I would never forget.


	17. Alex: What About Me Moving Pictures

**A/N: No excuses (although, I assure you they exist). Just a reassurance that I keep my promises - this won't ever be abandoned. I also have reason to believe my next update won't take 5 months. If there is anyone still reading, here is Alex during TSS. Also, I have removed lyrics because someone told me it was against this site's terms of service, but I choose chapter titles/songs for a reason, if you get a chance you should check out the songs, the lyrics for this one fit really really well. **

Believe it or not, I'm not a fan of heights. I know, I know . . . big, bad Alex afraid of something – anything? Seems a bit hard to swallow. I don't like losing control and falling, whether literally or figuratively, is just about as out of control as you can get. Add to it the fact that there's the inevitability of landing – usually on something hard – and honestly any sane person would wonder what there _is_ to like about heights.

So crouching on a catwalk above the stage, with two buckets, one filled with yellow paint and one filled with feathers – was not my idea of a good time. But I had to line this up perfectly or else . . . or else what? Why exactly was I doing this? My mind wandered back to the events that had brought me to this crappy situation.

_Flashback_

I was putting books in my locker after the last class of the day when I felt arms encircle me from behind. I smiled, although to those who didn't know me well, it might appear to be merely a smirk – I don't do Ms. America smiles. Save those for the wannabe Prom Queens. Still, it was good to have my boyfriend back. "I stayed all day – no skipping, now where's my reward?" he whispered into my ear.

"Reward? Isn't the educational experience you've just had a reward into itself?" I mocked, turning to face him.

Jay pouted. "Come on, babe, take pity on this poor, over-worked student."

I snorted. "Over-worked? Please. You are talking to the wrong person. With all that stupid trivia 'security' stuff I have to prepare for tomorrow, you have no idea . . . who the hell is gonna screw with _Whack Your Brain?_"

Jay's eyes clouded over and he started drifting, sharply reminding me that he was not particularly a fan of my extra curricular activities. I slammed my locker sharply, trying to bring his attention back to me.

"Well, you drive; I'll entertain," I suggested with a mischievous look.

Jay smiled and pulled me in for a long kiss before, starting to strut down the hallway, his left arm slung haphazardly over my left shoulder. We walked through the steps to the parking lot, making our way towards the orange civic. I waited on my side for him to unlock the doors, my mind flashing forward to the things I could do without having him lose too much control. No one wanted to cause a car accident. But after several moments Jay still hadn't managed to unlock my door.

I looked over him to find that someone had spray painted a giant 'x' over the driver's side door and window. Jay was just standing there, staring at the black 'x' with a determined look on his face. I recognized that look from a couple of times, most involving my father. I shivered. Time to diffuse the situation. I didn't think that Jay would ever hurt me the way my father would, but I wasn't entirely willing to test the scenario.

Slipping his keys into the car and unlocking it, I tried to calm him, somewhat. "Babe, let's find Cameron and figure out how to get this stuff off before we do anything drastic." I opened the passenger side door hoping that his love of the orange love-mobile would overweigh his desire for revenge.

"Why? So I won't get in trouble on school property?" Jay shouted at me. So much for that idle hope. I slouched into my seat. His attacks against my new found desire to go legit were getting more than a little tired. Grow up, Jayson.

As he climbed into the car, eyes still transfixed on the 'x,' I could almost hear the gears in his head weighing his choices. He shot me a dirty look as he made his choice. "Let's go find Cameron."

Fortunately for the civic, unfortunately for common sense, I guess, we didn't have to go far to find Sean. He was at the exit of the parking lot where a very similar decoration adorned Spinner's car as well.

"You, too?" Sean asked as Jay pulled the car to a stop. Way to state the obvious, Seanny-boy.

"Somebody picked the wrong guys to mess with." Jay slammed his door. There was so much machismo in the air I nearly choked on it. Guys are so . . . ugh. At this point I knew there was no way to keep Jay from doing something vengeful, but I might be able to keep him from doing something stupid.

"Someone named Rick Murray," I stated, coming around the back of the car.

Jay gave me a quick look that clearly showed his surprise. I looked right back at him, telling him with my stare if not my words to stand down. I wasn't in the mood for his crap.

Sean seemed uncomfortable with the path the conversation was headed down. "You guys are gonna want to get this off your clear coat before it ruins it."

I didn't blame Sean for trying to change the subject; he couldn't realize we were way beyond the point of no return. In fact he was the only one thinking clearly. By the time the cars were cleaned up there was plenty of time to think through the situation and decide on a plan, if one was in fact needed. Acting rash wouldn't help anyone.

Of course, that whole theory highly overestimated the intelligence level of one of the members involved. "Screw that. It's evidence. I'm telling Raditch," Spinner declared, as if he was fighting for truth, justice, and the American way.

Sean's reaction was knee-jerk anti-authority. "'I'm telling Raditch!' You don't think he's gonna want to know why Rick tagged you?" I took back what I said about Sean thinking clearly. Did the moron realize he had just pretty much issued a challenge?

Jay jumped in, that malicious glint in his eye when he knew he could get other people involved in some particularly mean course of action. "Sean's right. Let's keep Raditch out of this."

Maybe the look was contagious, because Spinner had it as well as he ominously remarked, "Buddy's going down. He's toast." I wondered why the two of them hadn't become friends before – they were obviously made for each other. Oh, right, the Queen honeybee was holding back Spinner's inner caveman.

I sighed, if this was going to happen, might as well get it over with. Plus it was late enough now that maybe most of the staff had gone home. Who was I kidding? With tomorrow's TV programming the school would still be buzzing. "Well, what are we waiting for?" I said, motioning towards the building. "Trivia boy's gotta still be around."

"Oh, yeah!" Spinner looked like someone had just asked him to eat an entire cake or something. It was downright disgusting.

Apparently, I wasn't the only one who thought so, as Sean made his excuse to leave. "I'm going to stop by the shop and see if Mr. Ehl's got anything that will help take that spray paint off gently." He took off in the direction of the shop, leaving me alone with Beavis and Butthead. Granted, Jay was a very sexy Beavis, but no less moronic when angered.

He turned to me, the question in his eyes and in his voice, "Alex?" Asshole. Did he really think I would leave him alone in Degrassi? I had suggested it hadn't I? I was sick of his constantly questioning me. I wanted to get into University, not join a frickin' convent.

I walked toward the school, tossing a "Let's go" over my shoulder, not even looking to see if they followed.

By the time we reached the school though, Spinner and Jay's longer strides had overtaken mine and I fell back, looking out for the long-haired geek. Consequently, by the time the two had spotted Toby Isaacs, I hadn't had a chance to remind them that the dweeb was under Cameron's protection and to be careful in the way they handled this.

"Hey! Reject! Where's your friend!" Spinner started, approaching Isaacs from behind.

"As if I'm gonna tell you!" he murmured continuing to drink as if it was no big deal. I wasn't sure if the kid had guts or was just that confident in his Cameron hero-worship, either was a possibility.

Either way, he had seriously miscalculated Jay's patience level where it came to all things pertaining to the civic. "Hey! Weiner! He asked you a question!" Jay scolded, slapping Toby's head into the fountain.

I watched the scene in silence, wondering how long it would take Cameron to find out. I had counted on his help later on, but with Sean's anger issues, it looks like I was going to have to be the sole voice of reason in this operation.

"Thought you were smarter than this," Spinner taunted as we continued to stalk the halls. There really was no other word for the swift deliberate search that the three of us made, going corridor to corridor until we had swept the school for the trivia team. Either he had left, or was hiding out some where and neither option suggested that we would find him by continuing to pace the halls.

Plus I was tired and frustrated. I thought back to the things I _thought_ I would be doing right now to Jay and with Jay. Searching for a grease ball loser was nowhere on that list.

"Hey guys, let's give it up for now," I suggested, my mind still full of the things I could be doing. "Cameron's probably got the cleaning stuff by now and he seemed pretty emphatic about getting the paint off quick." And the faster I got the paint off the faster I could get back to having Jay's attention focused on pleasuring me.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" Jay threw away. Apparently, I was the only one who thought there were better things to do with an afternoon.

My reply was testy, "Look, you can't find him. Now we can stalk the halls for a while, or we can do this the smart way and plan ahead." I wasn't sure if I was more angry at the fact that he didn't see the futility in this or that apparently I wanted him more than he wanted me.

"I'm listening," Spinner's voice next to me startled me. I had forgotten he was there, so focused in my anger and frustration with Jay.

I threw him a look, before turning back to stare at Jay. You want something from my guy? Target his pride. My voice took on a mocking quality as I taunted, "You all have been tossing him in dumpsters, pushing him into lockers and what's it got you?" I paused to let the big fat 'nothing' settle into their minds. "You've got to do something that will really get to him. Hit him where it hurts."

Jay's eyes lit up at my words, like he had finally convinced me of the need for revenge. As if taking it slow and planning the inevitable hadn't been _my_ goal all along. "I like the way you think," he whispered huskily, pulling me in close. The jerk had the nerve to want to kiss me after ruining my chance for an afternoon delight for a stupid revenge plot? I turned my head and he laid a kiss on my cheek. Jay pulled back angrily. 'Rejection sucks, doesn't it Jay?' "What's the most important thing to that loser right now?" he proposed, regrouping.

"Emma Nelson." I couldn't help how quickly the words slipped out. I knew that whatever dalliance Jay had imagined with her had gone sour, but I couldn't help being a little bitter where the blond was concerned.

I could see Jay try to form an objection and I smirked outwardly at his fluster while inwardly I cringed. I thought I had broken the little prude's spell, but apparently that was just wishful thinking.

Again, the forgotten accomplice chimed in. "No way, dude. I've got this thing going with the lovely Manuela and her and Emma go way back, even if they're not speaking right now. I'm not going to let pay back on Rick screw that up. Leave Nelson out of it."

"Fine," I replied huffily. I was done trying to help them and still stay out of trouble. Let Emma frickin' Nelson save Jay when things went wrong.

"You're thinking too small, baby," Jay admonished, tisking at me with his finger and throat. Like lecturing a child. "Rick knows everything, right? King of all Trivia."

"So how are you going to make him forget things?" Spinner's comment reminded me that there was very little chance that whatever plan they thought up would go _right_.

Jay's face was a mask of incredulity at Spinner's intelligence level, so I jumped in to help him explain. "And tomorrow the trivia game will be televised." The sooner this two bit plan was hammered out the sooner I could get home. Any and all x-rated thoughts had left my mind as soon as I knew x-rated thoughts of Emma still were in Jay's.

"Exactly. The chance to embarrass him not only in front of the entire school, but all of Canada!" Jay's voice grew as if he were Dr. Evil.

Spinner didn't seem to notice as he heaped praise on my evil boyfriend. "That's freakin' awesome! He won't wanna leave his house when we're done laughing, let alone try anything at school again." Spinner paused, his moment of comprehension fleeting. "But how? Raditch is gonna have the TV show area on lock out."

"Lock out? You mean, lock down," Jay corrected testily.

"Let me worry about that," I jumped in, seeing my chance to wrap up this little conversation. "You boys handle the 'what' and I'll handle the 'how.'" I was, after all, on trivia security. I felt a little twinge of guilt for betraying Marco's trust but stifled it. After all, desperate times and all that jazz . . .

Sean was standing at Jay's locker when we approached, looking as angry inside as I felt. I briefly wondered if he knew what Jay was thinking in regards to his ex before shoving down my paranoia. Contrary to popular opinion, the world did _not _revolve around Emma Nelson.

He shoved a can of something at Jay; his explanation terse. "Man, just rub a little of this on a rag and you'll be fine. I gotta catch up with Ellie." He made it only a few feet before what ever was bothering him took over. "Jay?" he turned, indicating he needed a moment alone.

"Sean, not in front of my girlfriend!" Jay teased confidently. I withheld my desire to shout 'he's all yours' at Cameron's retreating figure.

After a few awkward, silent moments next to Spinner, there was a loud crash from around the corner. Suddenly it all clicked. _Isaacs_. Well, that hadn't taken long at all. I couldn't help the perverse satisfaction I got out of knowing Sean was giving Jay some of the treatment he lately deserved, but Spinner almost started down the hall. I placed my hand on his forearm.

"I wouldn't if I were you," I warned him. Hell, I probably should have let Cameron knock him around, too, but I was growing impatient again.

Spinner looked confused but didn't ask any questions. I suppose he was used to being a bit confused.

Jay wandered back slowly alone, rubbing his neck. Pure evil is the only reasoning I have for why I asked super sugary sweetly, "What was that all about?"

"Just Cameron's hero complex." Jay tried to play it off as if he didn't have his own hero complex. Like it hadn't led to the incident that seemingly started this whole chain of events back at the Dot. "Let's get out of here, shall we?"

I prayed for a quick walk back to the car and an end to this day. God never did like me. What other explanation could there be for the fact that right in front of us, stood the pride of Degrassi, our very own _trivia_ team.

"Yo, Jimmy," Spinner greeted his best friend before turning to his target. "Hey, dog meat, you got something on your shirt!" He said pointing.

When Rick looked down, Spinner ran his finger up and flicked his nose. It was just about the lamest joke I had seen, something a five year old would use as a comeback. Jay however, grinned like it was a comedic masterpiece. I found myself wondering, yet again, why I was still with him.

"That's just weak. Grow up," Jimmy said, looking right at Spinner.

I jumped in at this point, unsure if I was taunting Jimmy and Rick or rubbing it into Spinner his best friend had just ditched him for Degrassi's number one outcast. "Ooh . . . Ricky found a friend."

I caught a glimpse of Emma over Jimmy's shoulder and she glanced away quickly. Maybe I _could_ have some fun with this. The world may not revolve around Emma, but lately Degrassi seemed to. The least I could do is make the little saint's life a little bit more uncomfortable for a few moments.

"Give it a rest. It's boring," Jimmy tried to get in my face . . . which may have worked had my glare not still been directed at Emma. As Jimmy walked away, Emma followed quickly, my eyes still trailing her as the dorky boys fell in behind her. Rick turned near the doors to cross his arms in what I suppose he assumed was a triumphant 'X'. Hiding behind your friends wouldn't be my first choice of places to make such a statement, but I never claimed that Rick had any amount of common sense.

"Bad move freak," Jay's voice echoed my own thoughts. "So Alex, you know how we were going to interrupt the game show? I think it would be even better if he wins first."

"From the best moment to the worst in less than a second," I had to admit as cruelty went, Jay was on to something. Kind of like, I don't know, seeing your boyfriend waiting to make amends outside the office only to realize he's not waiting for _you_. Or having your boyfriend talk dirty to you all day only to postpone it for a stupid revenge plan? Yeah, I knew something about going from best to worst really quickly.

"Dude, what was up with Jimmy?" Spinner shook his head as if trying to clear it.

Jay couldn't resist a dig in his mood, even at an ally. "Umm, can you worry about your man-crush later? We need ideas."

"Look, I'm _not _gay," Spinner protested a little louder than necessary. "What about like in Carrie when they dumped that bucket of pig's guts all over her?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, but then she went psycho and killed everyone." 'Which is called karma, something you should probably look up before long, moron,' I added silently.

Spinner scoffed, "That's what made it a movie and not the news. People can't move stuff with their mind, anyways." There was a long pause as he seemed to consider this thought. "At least, I'm pretty sure they can't."

That was the last straw. "Whatever. Like I said, you figure out what to drop on Rick's head; I'll make it happen," I asserted, leaving. I could walk home. I would help mostly because I promised I would, but also to help ruin Ms. Nelson's perfect trivia moment as well. And after that, I would get rid of Jay. A good lay was hard to replace, but replacing your self-respect was even harder.

"Hey, babe, I thought you were going home with me?" his voice called after me.

NOW he frickin' wanted some? "Not in the mood. You can clean your car off yourself!" I called back.

_End Flashback_

And that was how I came to be perched over the stage, watching as the MC called for Degrassi's representative. How I had snuck Jay and Spinner into the supposedly hand-picked audience, how I had managed to sneak two buckets of dubious contents back stage, rigged with fishing line that I could now trail down the catwalk to make my escape. The why was still a little in the air, I suppose.

_Because you're a coward and a suck_ . . . my earlier words to Paige definitely applied to this situation. I was going to do my best to remedy that situation as soon as this was over, why not before? Why risk my future on one last prank with Jay?

With that thought, I almost climbed down right then and there to tell Jay exactly where he could shove his feathers and paint as well as our so-called relationship. What boy was worth losing your dignity over?

Below, I saw Rick pause to whisper something into Emma's ear. Even from above I could see the change overcome her posture and poise. I thought of all the times when I was little and Dad would lean over to whisper something to my mother. She would stiffen the same way. At the time, I thought it was sweet, little secrets between my parents who were obviously still in love. As I grew older and my father grew drunker, often these slurred whispers would be audible from my seat. And as my father told her exactly what he would do to her and all the stupid little 'reasons' why she deserved it, her back would straighten, her eyes would wander around the room with fear and I would hate him a little more . . . and her for allowing him to do it to her.

My father was in jail – not nearly paying enough as he deserved for what he had done to my mother, but here was my chance to get back at him in some small way. I didn't like Emma Nelson, but for one small moment, I saw what drove boys like Sean and Jay to protect her and – as hard as it is to believe – wanted to do my part. I lined up the buckets to where Rick stood awaiting his chance on the hot seat.

As 30 seconds of trivia ticked down I crawled back down the ladder, unwinding the fishing line as I went. Win or lose, I was going to take this freak down a notch, until he thought twice about messing with a girl.

"Degrassi wins! Degrassi wins!" Mr. Phony Game Show exclaimed. I yanked on the string – once, then twice – hard, before moving stealthily back to my seat.

I didn't get to see the payoff, but I reached my seat as the laughing started. Watching his face fall, I was surprised to find out that I didn't feel as triumphant as I thought I would, despite my customary smirk being in place. The truth was Rick _wasn't_ my father and I had _no_ idea what he had said to Emma before the final round.

As Rick lowered his head and walked out the door as if in a trance I felt a pang of regret. What if I had been wrong?

"Hey, let's get out of here," Spinner suggested.

I saw Jay nod from the corner of my eye, but his eyes were glued to the blond disappearing out the side doors.

"You coming?" I asked. That was the last straw. I was done with him. I wouldn't even wait for one last victory fling; I'd just dump him in the hallway. I was done being yanked around by Emma, both intentionally and unintentionally.

Jay however, had other plans, muttering, "I'll catch up with you" as he followed Emma out the side doors.

"Where's he going?" Spinner asked. "That was totally _awesome_, man! We need to celebrate!"

I shot him a look. "Will you just shut the hell up?" I hissed before dropping my voice down. "Bragging will do nothing other than get us caught. Gloat, if you must, but _not in here!_"

And with that I strode after Jay. I wasn't going to let him get away with following Emma . . . in fact, if I was lucky, I could dump him in front of her and humiliate him a little bit in the process. Get some of my own back, if you will.

As I rounded the corner, I saw Jay holding Emma, his eyes roving over her body. I sucked in my breath quickly. 'You don't want him anymore, remember?' my brain reminded me. However, the pang in my heart wasn't listening. Jay had been the one to be there for me when my world was falling apart. Watching him move on to his next conquest was more difficult than I had thought it would be. I didn't want to let him go; I wanted him to care about me the way he seemed to care about Emma.

"Don't TOUCH me!" Emma screamed at him. I couldn't hear what else was said, but I took a lot of pleasure out of the way she pulled out of his grasp roughly and ran from him. Maybe it wasn't what I thought it was. Serves the bastard right.

Jay moved down the hall and I followed him, taking a deep breath. It would hurt me more than I thought to do this, but once I made up my mind to do something, I rarely stopped.

He paused in the entranceway, looking lost and I took that as my cue. "Have fun with Princess Priss?" I was surprised at how bitter my voice came out. I thought I had moved past bitter to acceptance.

Jay turned wearily. "Alex." At least he sounded contrite, that was a start. "I wanted to make sure she was okay. Rick did something, I don't know what, she wouldn't talk to me, but I heard her screaming."

I flashed back again to all those dinners with Daddy's promises of what was to come. Maybe I had read the situation more accurately than I realized. "She's okay, right?" I hated the way my voice shook but I couldn't help it. What if I had inadvertently been responsible in some way for whatever Rick had done? Instead of helping, what if I had made it worse? "I'd hate it if someone got hurt because of our prank war with Murray."

"Look at you, the big, bad, don't care about anyone girl going all jello on me," Jay remarked, his voice light. I wasn't in the mood to joke, too full of guilt and recriminations. "Look, she didn't have any visible marks and she still managed to shout at me, so it couldn't have been anything too serious." Jay tried to take me in his arms, the way I had been praying for only a moment ago, but right now I didn't feel like I deserved to have someone care for me. I was aiding an abuser. I was an unintentional accomplice no matter how much Jay tried to tell me nothing serious had happened with Emma. Yeah, the prank was Spinner's idea and Jay had helped too, but nothing would or could have happened without me. "Look, nothing is going to happen."

I took a deep breath. I _wanted_ to believe him so badly. Then again, I wanted a lot of things. I closed my eyes. Maybe this one time I would just give in . . . just once. What could it hurt? "You tell anyone I'm going soft and you'll regret it. I could still kick your sorry ass seven different ways," my voice belied the message it relayed.

"Damn straight." His voice held the conviction mine lacked. It was almost enough to make me forget what I came out here to do. "Look it's almost lunch. How about you and I go out to my newly cleaned car and celebrate the perfect plan perfectly executed by the perfect couple." Forget almost. I didn't want to leave his presence for a moment; I needed to avoid reality for just a bit longer till my mind processed what exactly had gone wrong today and in general.

I wondered briefly about what Spinner was up to. "With the help of a complete moron," I added, laughing.

"True." Jay seemed to consider this for a moment. "But I don't feel like sharing today."

The idea of Spinner and me was so gag-inducing that I hit Jay harder than I should have. Thinking back over the past 24 hours, he actually deserved much more than that smack, but the next thing I knew he was kissing me and I lost track of all rational thought till much, much later in the back seat of the same civic I had cursed so freely the afternoon before.

"Jay," I whispered into his chest.

"God, Alex, again?" he asked playfully, stroking my hair.

I suddenly understood the urge to giggle. I don't giggle and I didn't, but I could understand why those twitterpated idiots did occasionally. "Jay, we have to go to class," I told him. I wanted to do nothing more but stay in that civic forever, but I knew that we eventually had to go back to Degrassi and, if we wanted to escape suspension or worse, we had to go back now.

"What?" he looked at me as if I had just suggested asking Isaacs over for a threesome.

"If we skip now, Raditch's primary suspects are all but confirmed guilty. If we go back, we might just get away with this," I reasoned.

Jay sighed, before leaning up and pulling his blue t-shirt back over his head. He leaned back in for a kiss. "I call a rematch right after school, though."

I flushed all through and nodded. I tried, but couldn't for the life of me remember why I had considered breaking things off with Jay.

As I sat in our classroom watching Mr. Raditch drone on about the embarrassment the whole thing was to our school, I smiled feeling Jay's eyes glued to my body. Right where they should be.

I could practically feel Jay's tension as he tried to behave without looking like he was trying to behave. As much as it amused me, I couldn't also help but feel a bit hurt that he wasn't willing to do this for me, the way he was for some stupid prank.

Eventually the bell rang and everyone filed like drones out the main doors. I tried to calculate based on our next classes whether Jay and I had time for a quickie in the second story broom closet, but Amy was waiting for me across the hall from our class. Jay hung back, although if I wasn't sure if it was to give us privacy or because secretly Jay's a bit afraid of Amy. She had made no secret that best friend's guy or not, Jay was hot stuff she wouldn't mind having a piece of. But for all his faults Jay was a pretty monogamous guy and Amy scared the hell out of him.

"Just so you know, at the second lunch period, Gavin "the Spinster" Mason, was overheard bragging about his morning activities on the b-ball court. In fact, Jimmy Brooks had to be pulled off of him. I wonder what that could mean," she raised an eyebrow at me.

Amy trying to be all espionage-y? Laughable.

"And?" I threw every bit of my Alex-tude into my response. Amy may be my best friend but I didn't doubt she would use any bit of leverage against me that she could.

Amy searched my eyes for cracks before backing up literally and figuratively. "I just figured what with him becoming the third stooge recently you might want to know. That's all."

Jay finally lost patience with being my shadow and interrupted, saving me from further conversation as we neared History. "Awww, Alex, I was good last class, can't I skip this one?"

Seriously, sometimes Jay could be such a child. But it solved one problem, I couldn't help but think as I waved Amy on her merry way. I waited until I was sure Amy couldn't hear before turning to my whiny ass boyfriend.

"No, can do, buddy boy. Amy just told me that Spinner and Jimmy got in a fight while playing ball just now." I watched Jay to see if he would process this information the same way I had, before prompting, "Any guesses what about? Cause I have a few."

Sighing, he took my hint. "So you want us to have a talk before the idiot gets us all busted." He rubbed his face with his hand, looking suddenly very tired. Was he starting to feel guilty? Or just sick of working with a guy with a peanut for a brain? Because honestly both ideas were starting to gain hold of my imagination. I had told the idiot not to brag. Also, Jimmy may have been noble, but he wouldn't stand up for someone who he didn't believe was a good guy. And he _definitely_ wouldn't fight with Spinner unless he was _sure_ that Rick didn't deserve his rep around school. That was almost brother vs. brother in magnitude.

I threw one of my ideas out to test the water. "We just had to team up with that idiot."

"Yeah, well, we've got English next and Spinner had his with all the Grade 10's," Jay must have taken my statement as a challenge to do something. Which come to think of it was probably a pretty good idea if I didn't want to have to explain a suspension in my university applications.

So I acted like that had been my idea all along, play swatting his shoulders as if sending him off to battle in olden times. "Which is why you are going to find Spinner right now and tell him to cool it." I spied Spinner over Jay's left shoulder and spun him to face that way. "There he is now. Go have fun," I told him, punctuating my command with a not so slight push.

I didn't stay to find out what happened, instead walking the last few feet to Mr. Preno's room. I started to enter, then came back out. I have no idea why I was suddenly so nervous. 'Maybe cause you realize how horrible this could turn out if Rick _wasn't_ guilty? Or worse . . . if he was? Why hadn't you thought about what an angry abuser would do? But Jay had said Emma was safe . . . and Rick had left? What if Rick hadn't left?' my mind wandered into dangerous territory as I realized that I had taken my "wanting to believe Jay" bit too far and actually _believed_ him. It was a severe lapse in judgment.

'What the hell, Alex, grow up,' my inner voice sneered. 'What's done is done. The best you can hope for now is that you don't get caught.' As practical as that advice sounded, I couldn't help but realize it sounded cold. Something the old, broken Alex would have said. The new Alex? Well, the new Alex wasn't in a position to talk having been the one to go along with Jay rather willingly.

Jay's approach pulled me out of the spiral of self-destructive thoughts my mind seemed hell bent on following, a self-satisfied smirk on his face. No doubt Jay was not having similar feelings of regret and introspection. "So?" I asked more testily than was perhaps necessary.

He just leaned in and captured my lips. Hot damn, but that boy could make you forget your own name if you didn't watch yourself. I forced myself to remember his smug expression moments before and pulled away. I returned his smirk with one of my own. "Care to fill in the details, lover boy?"

"Let's just say, I dealt with the situation, okay?" He had this cocky self-confidence that almost made me forget my early 'what ifs'. Almost.

Until Mr. Preno started his lecture. "Hysteria. It doesn't always mean an individual neurosis. In fact it can and is described as "behavior exhibiting overwhelming or unmanageable fear or emotional excess" by Merriam-Webster dictionaries. Last week we talked about the U.S. Internment of Japanese Americans in the fall out of Pearl Harbor. Can anyone else think of another situation of mass hysteria?"

I knew better than to raise my hand, but hysterical was a good word for what I was feeling. And mass hysteria was not a bad description for DCS post orange ribbons.

This exchange student in the front row raised her hand. "Yes, Casey?" Mr. Preno called on her.

"I think it's similar to what happened all over the world over the 9-11 incident. Mass bombings and terrorist attacks happen all over the world, but this one provoked unparalleled fear and actions," Casey answered.

"Yes, and – you should write this down – what's most interesting is that most of it is unfounded fear," Mr. Preno turned to the chalkboard.

I took a deep breath. Unfounded fear. Hysteria. That was all I was going through. There was _nothing_ to be afraid of.

And with that thought there was a single gunshot _right_ outside our classroom door.

I froze staring at the door. My instincts were usually right and in this case, I couldn't help but think that was Rick out there. After all what would my father have done if someone had tried to stop him from hitting my mother? Pull a gun. Fortunately in my parents' case the cops had arrived before there were any big bangs. This time it appeared someone hadn't been so lucky.

My view of the door was blocked by Jay's form and I felt an overwhelming rush of warmth and gratitude despite the situation. Reflexes showed someone's true character and despite everything, Jay's reflex was still to protect me.

"Get under your desks!" Mr. Preno shouted. I was there before he finished his direction. Jay however, refused to move, staring at the door like he expected angry velociraptors to charge in.

Mr. Preno shouted, "Mr. Hogart, now!" but Jay didn't look like he wanted to budge. Mr. Preno had used the Canadian Armed Forces to get through college. He could handle this situation, whatever it was. A teenager, even one who thought he was a bad ass like Jay would only complicate things, so I reached up to tug on his arm.

He seemed to know exactly what I needed as he crouched beneath the desk taking me in his arms. I know I should have just stayed like, that – content to stay where I felt safe, but I had to know if Jay had the same sense of foreboding that I did.

"Jay, do you think that, maybe it was Rick?" I whispered, squeezing his arm as if wishing him to say the right thing.

He stiffened, then responded. "There are over 700 students that go to school here, Lexy. Any one of them could have snapped," he rationalized, but he didn't sound as confident as he usually did.

Still, it was something. "You're right. And I'm pretty sure Rick went home after everything," I thought out loud. We would have known if Rick was still here. He had the same lunch period as Amy, Spinner and Jimmy. Lord knows, Amy wouldn't have left out _that_ piece of gossip in her earlier report.

"I'm going to go out there," Mr. Preno told the class trying to avoid hysteria. I laughed inwardly, without humor of the irony of his earlier lecture.

"NO!" The girl who sat next to Casey who I had nicknamed Pinky after her favorite color screamed. Seriously, though if some crazy gunman had wanted to come in and pick us off one by one Mr. Preno wouldn't be able to do much. Let him go out where he might help someone.

Mr. Preno was all tact, though, calming the girl with his steady voice. "Jennifer, calm down. I need to make sure everyone's alright."

He walked to the door, doing a quick sweep out the window. He paused to ask a quick question of the class. "Do any of you have a cell phone?"

"I do." I didn't turn to see which wanna be jock the voice belonged to. The less I focused on this, the more chance that it was all a bad dream.

"Call 9-1-1. Get an ambulance here," Mr. Preno instructed as he disappeared into the hall.

As the door opened, I caught a glimpse of white basketball shoes. Jennifer or Casey must have seen more because there were the sounds of strangled sobbing coming from the front of the room.

"_Just so you know, at the second lunch period, Gavin "the Spinster" Mason, was overheard bragging about his morning activities on the b-ball court. In fact, Jimmy Brooks had to be pulled off of him," _Amy's voice echoed inside my head.

"Spinner was playing basketball outside." I didn't know if I had said it out loud, caught up in a slideshow of current events. What if Spinner died over a practical joke that never would have happened without my suggestions and student council connections? What if Rick came after us next? I found myself thinking that maybe getting what I deserved would be better than living knowing I may have contributed to Spinner's death.

"Well, better him than me," Jay responded, answering my question as to whether I was thinking out loud.

I stared at him, unsure if I had heard him right. Someone we knew and, granted, didn't care much for, could be seriously injured because of something we did and all he could think about was how it affected him. I withdrew my hand from his, confused.

"How can you say that?" I asked, although I already knew the answer.

"Because I'm honest." His voice was tired, but very matter of fact. "Would you prefer I say I wish I took a bullet for him? Cause actually I'm rather glad to be safe and whole right now."

Mr. Raditch's voice interrupted whatever response I would have said, thankfully. The situation wasn't ideal to fight with your boyfriend, but it's not really something I had planned out. "Remain in your classrooms until further notice. Absolutely no one is to leave. Refer to lockdown protocol. And please remain calm."

Jay laughed ignoring the stares such an act generated. "What?" he challenged the class. We're in lockdown because some psycho who I knew with every fiber of my being was Rick may have killed someone and he's looking to pick a fight.

Suddenly I saw the Jay Hogart the rest of Degrassi Community School saw. He wasn't my sexy knight in shining armor, but an immature selfish teenage bully. And what's more, he may have indirectly killed someone. And I may have helped him.

Suddenly our relationship wasn't about Jay not respecting me trying to be more proactive. I realized I was with a total jerk. A self-obsessed asshole. And I was holding on to whatever shared background we might have had like some idiot girl who justifies her boyfriends beatings. What if Jay's verbal abuse was just as bad?

I was so caught up in re-assessing my boyfriend that I didn't see Mr. Preno come in, but I snapped to attention as he discussed the situation with the 9-1-1 operator. "We have a student down, 16 year old male. I don't know how many others. The injured student indicated one gunman. Rick Murray. I think he acted alone, but I can't tell. We need EMTs in here, as soon as you can. Yes, yes. Okay."

"Thanks." Mr. Preno's smile as he returned the wannabe jock's phone was grim. I had a sudden glimpse of him from his air force days and was suddenly grateful that Canada's Armed Forces mostly dealt in peace-keeping missions. And just like that he was gone.

I slipped back into my seat; unsure if it was due to my cramped muscles or if I couldn't stand to be next to the bastard with whom I had as recently as an hour ago engaged in a very steamy afternoon special. Every once in a while I would search his face for some sign of remorse or regret. Even knowing his face as well as I did, I could see nothing to indicate that Jay thought of this as anything more than an afternoon without history class.

It was a relief when Raditch's voice finally came over the loud speakers again. "The lock down is over. Please wait to exit your classrooms until a designated school official opens the door for you. Please head straight home. Do not stop at your lockers; do not loiter around. We recommend you not speak to reporters."

I took off, not wanting to be close to Jay any longer than I had to. However I stopped short when I saw the man with the giant gun who had opened our classroom door. That was an awfully big gun to deal with Rick . . . what if he hadn't stopped with one victim?

Jay steered me away from it, speaking quickly, "Just relax. Everything's gonna be fine."

I wasn't sure of much, but I knew that was untrue. "Why did I go along with all this?" I asked myself for the seven billionth time that day.

"I said relax! You're alive aren't you?" Jay seemed angry at me, which was funny all things considered. He couldn't be bothered to have a conscience but me having one annoyed him.

I saw Spinner at the same time Jay did. "Yo, Spin! I thought that might have been you!" If I didn't know better I thought that the asshole might have actually cared.

"It was Jimmy man! Jimmy! They're gonna find out. I have to –" Spinner started to walk towards the nearest officer as Jay objected.

"No!" Jay pulled him into a corner. Looking to see if anyone noticed I followed, standing against the wall around the corner where I could listen without having to look at the scum I called a boyfriend. Jimmy Brooks, the number one actual bonafide nice guy had been the one lying in the hallway? Jimmy – who would lose his best friend to try and stand up for Rick – had been shot? I felt even sicker than before if that was at all possible.

"You have to shut up, okay?" Jay threatened, panic evident in his voice.

Spinner's voice was incredulous. "He's my best friend." I was relieved to see I wasn't the only one shocked by Jay's attitude towards the whole incident.

"Either outcome I would say he _was_ your best friend." Jay had regained his cocky air as he got in a zinger and I could almost hear his upper lip curl.

Spinner tried one last ditch effort to reach Jay's non-existent conscience. "We might have killed him!"

It just seemed to make Jay angrier as he protested, "We didn't do anything!"

I heard Jay slam against the bulletin board as Spinner corrected him. "We did!" A solider tapped my shoulder, motioning for me to walk towards the door and I walked toward it silently, not caring whether or not Jay followed.

I needed time to think. I needed time to think without Jay and about Jay. I needed to relieve some of the guilt that was making it hard to think or breathe or operate. But when we emerged from the building there was nothing but chaos. Parents grabbed onto their children and hugged them close; friends shared relieved tears as they found each other. And then there were the reporters swarming like vultures, picking off the slow and weak to interview.

I had a brief moment of regressing to wanting my mother to be there – to actually care and not just pretend, but I knew better. No one was out there waiting for me. No one cared if I had been shot. No one would notice.

Jay pulled me down the stairs by the elbow and I jerked away sharply. Cross that. Jay would have noticed. But I was no longer sure I wanted him to. Sighing, he grabbed my elbow again. "I'm taking you home," he insisted cave man style.

"I'm not going anywhere with you," I hissed, letting my anger come through loud and clear.

I thought I saw hurt for a moment, before he let go. "Fine then."

Jay slipped through the sea of people as they instinctively backed away from his bad ass persona. I, however, must have looked vulnerable because immediately three reporters threw microphones at me.

"I'm Rachel Rhodes, did you witness the shooting?" a brunette asked as a blonde asked "Are you a friend of Rick Murray's?" The last one just held out her arm, hoping to catch my answer to one question or the other.

Suddenly, Jay was back, as if somehow sensing I needed him. "Ladies, back the fuck off." And they did.

Jay led me to the civic, where the seats were still leaned all the way back from our activities earlier in the day. I felt nauseous and ran to a nearby bush where I proceeded to lose what little food I had managed to sneak during class after lunch.

Jay had opened his door, but hadn't gotten into the car yet. "You okay?" he asked, full of phony concern.

I jumped into the car, pulling the lever that violently jerked the seat upright. "Just drive," I instructed, taking a swig from a water bottle in my backpack and spitting it out the open window. It didn't entirely get rid of the sour taste in my mouth, but I was half afraid that it would never go away.

Jay floored the gas the moment we got out of the parking lot and had to slam on the brakes almost immediately as Sean and Ellie darted into the street. Without thinking, only reacting, I jumped out of the car and into the back seat, Ellie right behind me.

Sean hesitated, staring at Jay as if he didn't recognize him. "Well?" Jay asked. "Us outcasts gotta stick together!" He proclaimed as if it was some sort of badge of honor and not a brand of the devil.

Sean had barely closed the door before Jay sped off. It was a while before Ellie asked the question that everyone was wondering.

"Why were those reporters after you, Sean?" she asked. And where is your sweatshirt? I silently added. Sean without his sweatshirt was like . . . Jay without his hat or Ellie with her forearms uncovered – it just didn't happen.

Sean's voice sounded deep and crackly as if he had just woken up. "Rick brought a gun to school." It wasn't anything I hadn't heard but I stiffened none the less. "He tried to shoot Emma. I stopped him."

My instincts had been right. It was like family history repeating itself at my school. Except this time I hadn't called 9-1-1 and saved the girl – I had unintentionally caused it all. I guess you could say I caused my parents as well. I mean maybe if I had cleaned my room or washed the dishes like Dad had asked he wouldn't have had to take it out on my mother. And if I hadn't convinced Mom to get the restraining order, he never would have brought the gun to the house. I just made things worse. Except this time my intentions hadn't been so pure.

"What?" Ellie's shrill voice interrupted my trip down my private Nightmare Memory Lane. Elm Street had nothing on me. "Are you okay? Is Emma okay? Rick . . ."

"Is dead." It was just two words but I recognized the note of finality and guilt in Sean's voice.

"Sean." Ellie must not have, so I kicked her. She may have been the only one in the car not relieving personal demons and guilt, but damned if I was going to let her make it worse for Sean.

Jay didn't say a word as he pulled into the driveway of Sean and Ellie's apartment complex. He didn't say a word as I jumped into the front seat Sean vacated or as he pulled up to my house. He didn't say a word as I got out of the car without a look back. Sometimes, there was just nothing to say.


	18. Manny: No More Tears Enough is Enough

**A/N: For those who don't check my profile, it's my first year teaching, so I can't promise too much regularity. But on a three day weekend, I can crank out the 20-30 pages that is an update. I hope you enjoy. Thank you to all who reviewed the last chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything of Barbara Striesand's. If I did, well, we'd only have an episode once every three months or so, eh?**

_Cornelius held the knife point aga__inst Blair's throat, pressing ever so slightly into the tender skin._

"_Don't come a step closer Lord Winsor or I'll gut her like a fish!" he threatened._

_Jeremy felt his heart clench in his chest as he saw the love of his life in the arm's of his greatest enemy. "Don't do anything rash, Sanders. There's still time to come to a reasonable solution to this whole matter."_

"_It's too late. I've already killed a man," Cornelius declared._

_Blair couldn't stop the cry of horror as she heard his words. What if one of her brothers had already died in her defense?_

_The cry may have been small, but it provided Jeremy all the opportunity he needed. Taking advantage of his opponent's distracted look, he grabbed Cornelius' arm with the knife with all his might, twisting it away from his beloved._

_Blair rolled away from the fight, but could only watch helplessly as the two men sank to the ground. She saw a puddle of blood and whispered Jeremy's name, afraid of the response she might get._

_She knew she should run down the hall and wake the staff, alert everyone to the mad man's presence, but she stood frozen in place, terrified of what might happen next._

_Finally the tangled mass of bodies started moving. Could it be?_

"_Jeremy!" She screamed, throwing herself into his arms._

"_Oh, darling, darling Blair," he whispered into her hair as he caressed her. "Did he hurt you? Are you okay?"_

"_I'm fine, but oh, Jeremy, I was so frightened. Are you alright?"_

"_Don't worry about me, darling. And don't worry about Cornelius. He won't ever bother you or anyone else again," Jeremy proclaimed._

"_Oh, Jeremy, please, take me now!"_

I slammed shut the paperback romance and threw it across the room with a force that surprised me a little. It hit a small picture frame and knocked it clattering to the floor. I used to love the stupid things, but since school last week it was hard to escape into the fantasy world they offered.

Life threatening situations didn't seem all that exotic and romantic when they involved your best friend. In fact they seemed more than a little ridiculous. I doubted Emma had immediately asked Sean, 'Take me now!'

'_Former_ best friend' I reminded myself harshly.

"Manuella, is everything alright?" I heard my mom call from downstairs.

I walked to the door of my room. "A picture fell, Mom. It's nothing!"

I walked over to the discarded book and kicked it under the bed angrily as I bent down to retrieve the picture that had fallen. It was one of me and Emma, taken at my fifth birthday party, both wearing dress up clothes and heels. We had wanted so much to grow up. Now I just wanted to turn back time to any time before last Friday, preferably before Emma and my stupid fight, when everything was simpler.

I felt tears prick at the corner of my eyes as I realized once again how close I had come to losing my oldest friend. The Liberty/Chris/Emma thing now seemed so petty and ridiculous a situation to lose a friendship over. For the millionth time this weekend I reached for the phone.

I actually dialed the first four numbers of Emma's cell phone before I hung up. What was I going to say? Sorry I wasn't there for you when a psycho stalker tried to kill you?

I kept thinking that this was in some way my fault. Yes, Emma's attempt to prevent Liberty and Chris from hooking up was more shallow than I would have thought possible from her, but did I really have to tell everyone? It wasn't any worse than anything I'd done last year and I knew how hard it was to be the outcast. Why did I make Emma have to be perfect while everyone else got to be themselves?

I suppose some part of me felt guilty for dating JT at the time and not caring for him like I should, even when I knew Liberty still had feelings for him. It was easier to make Emma the bad guy –er, girl, then to admit that my own crime was just as bad, if not worse. If I hadn't isolated Emma from all her friends: Liberty, JT and myself, maybe she wouldn't have gotten to know Rick. She would have been just an oblivious student in the school, not a target on a list.

That's what the news said at least. He had a list.

I knew deep down that wasn't entirely true. Emma would have still befriended Rick and tried to help him because that's who she was. Even under her new clothes and make up, she was still the same old Emma, who put her nose everywhere, not because she wanted to hurt others, but because she wanted to save the world, one high school student at a time. Even if her methods weren't always the best. But I could have been there. I could have . . . What, Manuella? What could you have done?

That was the worst part about all of this. The feeling of utter helplessness. Emma could have died on Friday and nothing I said or did had had any bearing on what had happened or what could have happened.

Jimmy Brooks was still in critical condition. Yes, he would probably live, but he may never walk again. I didn't know Jimmy all that well, but I knew Hazel. Jimmy had always seemed the perfect boyfriend. The perfect friend period. So why had this happened to him? It just didn't make any sense.

Toby had been there, too. Good old Toby, who had been ditched by his best friend, had tried to befriend the other Degrassi outcast and could have been killed for his efforts.

And Sean. Lord knows I had written him off like so many others had after last year and all the stuff he pulled. I was no longer pulling for an Emma and Sean reunion like the one I orchestrated in Grade 8. I wanted that loser to stay far, far away from my friend. Even if I was staying just as far away. But thankfully, he hadn't. He had been close by. He had risked his life to save Emma.

I suppose that on paper it did have a romance novel quality to it. Sean and Emma bicker like crazy with their on-again, off-again romance. Sean saves her life, Emma falls into his arms. In reality, though, I was convinced no other emotion could survive that moment other than the overpowering fear. If I felt this dread in the pit of my stomach just thinking about it, I could only imagine what Emma was feeling. I needed to talk to her, but not over the phone.

It had to be in person. But there was no way my parents would let me out this late. After the abortion last year, I'm lucky my parents hadn't shipped me to the convent! My dad certainly had tried. I would just have to wait and talk to her in school tomorrow.

Feeling more calm, now that I had come to a conclusion, I turned off my bedside lamp and went to sleep.

I woke up with my alarm and went through the morning routine, various scenarios playing through my head. Emma accepting my apology and the two of us pretending to be twelve again – not likely. Emma screaming at me that everything was 'all my fault,' again, not very likely. More likely, Emma apologizing to me first and me feeling like I'm once again the crappy friend.

"Manuella, breakfast!" I heard my mother shout from downstairs.

I glanced in my mirror to make sure my hair was parted straight and centered. 'Because in the aftermath of a shooting tragedy it's important to make sure you look good?' my inner voice mocked. I shoved the thought away. Old habits die hard is all.

My mother had made blueberry waffles, a sure sign that she was going to make a request of me or my brothers. From the scraps on various plates I gathered my brothers had already made their escapes, which left me.

I sat down reluctantly, reaching for the milk. I didn't have to wait long.

"Manuella." My mother looked hesitant, as if afraid to confront me as she wiped her hands on the front of her apron. "You know that you don't have to go back to school."

"I know," I said, cutting my waffle with more precision and concentration than the task needed, doing anything to avoid her gaze. She was trying to tell me something bigger than just today, but I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't deal with anything until I worked out things with Emma. "But I want to be there in case Emma needs me."

"What can you do to help?" She wasn't trying to be rude; she was trying to be practical, but it hit so close to my own thoughts I lashed out.

"I'm not hungry," I angrily said, pushing back from the table.

"But it's your favorite. Don't be a baby, eat your waffle," she instructed.

"Mom. I'm not a baby. And I need to go back to Degrassi," I used a tone more forceful than I had ever done with my mother before. I reached for my purple messenger bag and slung it over my shoulder.

"Manuella," my mother said my name like a prayer or a plea and I froze hand hovering over the doorknob. "When I said you don't have to go back to that school, I didn't mean today. Your father and I were talking and we can find the money. There is a private girls' school around the corner. It would be much safer. When I said you don't have to go back, I meant ever."

When my mother said safer I wasn't sure if she meant in regards to Rick – or Craig. I looked at her, willing her to stop with my eyes. "I know," I replied softly, letting the door slam as I ran down the walk.

I would be lying if I said that the offer didn't tempt me. I was far past the 'ewww, school without boys' mindset I had had back in Grade 8. It would be so, so easy to run away from all of this. To not have to be reminded of how I almost lost my best friend in that hallway. How Craig had screamed at me for 'killing our baby' right there. But . . . to leave now? After I had battled through the stigma of last year to a place where I was Manny Santos again and not "that slut who got pregnant"? To leave the Spirit Squad? To leave the place where Emma and I had our first dates and first dances, first everythings.

As I reached the newscasters and reporters swarming over the steps of Degrassi I pushed thoughts of escape out of my mind. There was time for that later. Now . . . now I needed to focus on finding Emma in this giant circus.

I suppose I was late, although I didn't realize that grief counseling sessions required a timely arrival. Everyone appeared to have been sorted by some random grouping into different classrooms. Grades didn't seem to matter nor did gender or anything else. I saw Ellie and Sean take the last two chairs in Ms. Sauve's gym session and decided to try some place else.

After finding two more closed doors, I decided to try Mr. Simpson's door. If Emma was anywhere, she'd be here, or so I thought. Mr. Simpson was reaching the last point on his chart, but when he saw me hovering in the doorway he waved me in. I quickly took a seat on a back table, letting my bag slide to the floor as quietly as possible. I had a feeling trying to be unseen and unheard was the new Degrassi way. Quite a bit different than my attempts at eye-catching fashion last year; today I wanted anything _but_ all eyes on me.

"There's no excuse. None for what Rick did, but labeling him a monster is not gonna help us understand why it happened," Mr. Simpson was telling everyone.

"Rick was bullied, really bad," I heard Toby say. His words were small; in fact Toby himself looked small.

"Come on Toby, don't make Rick the victim," Craig chastised.

"I'm not." Toby's words made it seem like it was a battle he had been fighting all weekend. "Just . . . think how he must have felt."

I had been so caught up in thoughts of Emma and Toby and Jimmy and Sean that I hadn't stopped to think about Rick at all. How could you ever feel that desperate? That alone? It was a scary thought that someone had reached that place. Scarier still that no one had noticed.

"Do you ever feel that desperate? That angry? You need to talk to an adult before it reaches a crisis point." Mr. Simpson had gone into lecture mode.

I remembered back to after I had my abortion, shuddering at the wave of emotion I usually tried to keep forced down – even then I had had Emma and JT. I always knew someone cared. Even if the rest of the school made me feel like a leper. And Spike – having an adult on my side had made all the difference in the world. Even my mother had surprised me. What was Rick's mother going through?

"What if nobody listens?" Toby wondered out loud.

"Then keep trying. Somebody will." Mr. Simpson sounded more hopeful than honest. Because someone hadn't.

"So what? We're supposed to rat?" Craig's words made me wonder, not for the first time what attracted me to him. Wouldn't you have wanted someone to rat on Rick? Wasn't our lives, Jimmy's safety worth telling someone and breaking the 'cool kid' vibe that you seemed to thrive on?

"It's not about getting people in trouble Craig. It's about getting them and you out of trouble." Simpson looked at his watch. "And on that note, I'm done here. As you all know Ms. Sauve is doing sessions in the gym and there are other therapists you can see if you want something more one on one, but other than that this is a study and reflection day. There is a list of available counseling groups and locations in the main lobby and all of your teachers have study hall type sessions where you can get your questions answered for your classes."

The students slowly filed out. Time in general just seemed to move more slowly since last Friday.

"Mr. Simpson?" I asked coming forward when the room had emptied.

"Manny?" I had never before noticed before how old Mr. Simpson looked. Even shaving his head for our fundraiser, knowing he might die of cancer, he had been more upbeat and less serious than he was now. It was sobering.

"Have you seen Emma at all? I wanted . . ." my voice trailed off. I wanted to what? Apologize? Talk to her? Hug her? Scream at her? All of the above and then some.

Mr. Simpson seemed to know exactly what I was going for. "Emma's around Manny. She was going to try and get an appointment for private counseling and then perhaps try the chemistry lab?"

I smiled, some of my confidence and resolve returning. "Thanks, Mr. S. Trust Emma to look after her grades."

Mr. Simpson smiled at the nickname but didn't seem to agree with my assessment of Emma's motivation. It didn't matter. I would find her; we would work through our stuff and everything would be fine. Just fine.

As I left Simpson's room I caught him holding his head in his hands out of the corner of my eye, silently, unintentionally mocking my thoughts. I hadn't walked far when I saw Emma. The blonde hair and height should have given her away immediately, but there was something hesitant about her. She looked like a scared rabbit, twitching to either side.

I came up to her side as she bent over the water fountain and started to put my hand on her forearm before jerking it back. You weren't supposed to touch someone who had been through a scare without permission . . . or was that just for rape. I wasn't sure, but I didn't want to startle Em.

She came up from the fountain and caught my eye, straightening. I just stared. Suddenly the words I had practiced the night before and on the way here left me and I had nothing to say. "Em . . ." my voice trailed away, as her eyes regained some of their earlier steel.

"Here to remind me that I am the meanest person ever? First Liberty, then Rick stomped beneath – what was it? Pointy ballerina feet? Here to tell me that you're surprised that someone else didn't try to get to me first? Cause newsflash, I already got the memo," Emma's voice was so filled with hurt and anger that all I could do was just watch. "Or maybe you just want to stare at me; stare at the girl that someone wanted _dead_. Well, take a good look," and with that she rushed away, tears streaming down her face.

"EMMA!" I started to follow, but she had turned into Mr. Simpson's room. As I reached the doorway, I caught a glimpse of her in Sean's arms. Chances were she needed him a lot more than she needed me right now. He had been there when she really needed someone. I had been in French class.

I walked down the hall to where one of Sauve's sessions was just letting out. I saw Paige and Hazel leaning on each other for support and was reminded of what best friends were supposed to be like . . . unlike Emma and my dysfunctional relationship.

Ellie stormed by me and I wondered if she had some 6th sense knowing that Sean and Emma were together. That girl was seriously fighting destiny on this one.

I wandered into the gym and took a seat. I don't know what I expected Ms. Sauve to do. Miraculously erase years of conflict between me and Em? Help me find my voice where she was concerned? I don't know. But it was a start.

I didn't recognize most of the people in the room. There were some Grade 12's from Jimmy's basketball team, Krystle, a grade 10 who I recognized from classes I had with Emma and, surprisingly – Alex. What would a social reject be doing here? Growing a conscience? Emma may have planned the ribbon campaign, but it was no school secret that Alex had given it all of its bite. To see her here was mind blowing.

As soon as all the seats were filled Ms. Sauve began. "All of you are here because you may feel confused, angry, guilty, hurt or anything that happened last Friday. Maybe you don't know what you're feeling. For you, I have a solution."

I leaned forward anxiously. I _wasn't_ sure what I was feeling, and Ms. Sauve sounded like she had it all figured out. Until she pulled out the mask. It looked like a reject from a bad production of _The Phantom of the Opera_, white paper mache with a long handle. _This_ was Sauve's grand plan?

One of the basketball players snorted derisively. He stopped as Alex stared him down.

"This will help you. I know a lot of you aren't comfortable with the image you have here at Degrassi, but maybe if you let go of that you can come to terms with what happened and begin to move on," Sauve explained. "Three statements. I am, I want, I need. Share what you want, only what you feel comfortable with."

Surprisingly, Krystle reached out for the mask first. "I am Emma Nelson's Chem partner. I want to know how someone could have wanted to kill her. I need to feel safe at Degrassi again."

I wanted to listen. She was asking my questions, voicing my needs and all I could think of was, "I am the phantom of _mu-sique!_" So much for this helping. But I couldn't leave, not then at least. Standing and walking out would cause way too much therapist attention to be directed my way. I could sit it out. It was only an hour.

I tuned out the jocks and the random people who talked only about how it affected their own small lives. One even went so far as to say "I am captain of the varsity team. I want to win the championship. I need Jimmy Brooks to come back healthy and soon."

I wondered how much of my wanting to make things right with Emma was what _I_ wanted and needed and how much would actually help _Emma_. Eventually, Ms. Sauve turned her gaze on me. I could feel Alex's eyes boring into me and I squirmed a bit, uncomfortable under her stare.

"Manuella, we haven't heard from you yet," she said, holding out the paper maché mask.

"It's Manny and I don't need the mask," I said, crossing my arms tight across my chest.

"How about the statements?" Sauve asked still trying.

"Umm, sure." I shrugged as if to say 'why the hell not.' As if my heart wasn't pounding wildly at the idea that maybe, just maybe, this might help me work through the thoughts that had run through my head since last Friday. "I am . . . I am Emma's best friend. Well, I was at least. I guess now, I'm her oldest friend. I want . . ." I was surprised at how hard this was. No one else had really teared up or had difficulty talking. But I could barely finish a simple sentence. "I want someone to tell me what to do – or to turn back time. I need . . . I just need to feel like this isn't somehow my fault."

Ms. Sauve rolled her chair close to me, placing a hand on my knee. "Manuella – Manny, its not uncommon for those who have been close to someone who died or almost died to feel guilty, as if they could have prevented the situation. It's called survivor guilt. No matter what your relationship with Emma, I'm sure she'd be glad to know you care. Just be there for her, that's all you can do."

I looked around the room, trying to avoid Sauve's earnest, yet strangely intimidating eye contact and settled on Alex's face. Maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed to me her eyes almost misted at the description of survivor guilt. As soon as Emma's name was mentioned, however, she once again clouded up into the unfeeling Alex DCS knew so well.

Ms. Sauve wouldn't move on to the next victim, er, student until I met her gaze. I did so, willing myself to smile shyly at the sincere look and hand squeeze she gave me. I knew that Ms. Sauve meant well, really, but there was something about her earnestness that was more than a _little_ off-putting.

She did a slow turn around the circle like a predator slowly stalking us before settling on Alex. "Alexandra, we haven't heard from you yet. Would you like the mask?"

"I don't _do_ masks," she said disdainfully. "And its time to go. I put my hour in."

And with that she got up and strode out of the gymnasium. So much for my theory that Alex felt guilty over whatever role she and her loser boyfriend had played. She probably only attended to avoid suspicion.

Ms. Sauve looked extremely flustered by Alex's departure. "Right. Well. It's – uh, it's important to keep in mind that none of us are responsible for anyone's actions but our own. If you keep that in mind and try to do your best to take responsibility for your own actions there's no reason Degrassi shouldn't come through this stronger than ever. And there's always help. Don't ever give up."

I had tuned out most of her words lost in my thoughts about exactly what I would do if I found myself alone with Alex. Her big bad attitude didn't scare me. I would show her exactly what happened to folks who messed with my best . . . I was startled by the scraping of metal chairs across the gym floor, signaling the session was indeed over. I quickly grabbed my bag. I didn't want to be the last one left with Sauve. Judging from the rush to the door it seemed like no one really did.

I decided to try and find Emma again. If what I was feeling could be described as survivor guilt, then I didn't want to know what her level of guilt was. _Here to remind me that I am the meanest person ever?_ Remembering her earlier outburst, I'd say pretty high.

I walked more purposefully towards Mr. Simpson's classroom. I _would_ try again.

"Then he threw the computer monitor to the ground, Jody!" A blond in front of me abruptly stopped and I had to slow down to avoid running into her from behind. She remained standing there, blocking the path, totally oblivious to the fact that I couldn't get around her.

"So he's gone?" Her friend asked incredulously, moving if it was at all possible, further into my way.

"Took off in his best friend's car in a squeal of tires. Not only that? But he brought _both_ girls with him!" The toss of her blond mane identified the speaker as none other than Heather Sinclair. Guess someone had finally recovered from her bout of the kissing disease, I noted.

"No way!" Jody Mantenko had to be the other girl. I started to back away in disbelief. Didn't they realize their gossip was just as hurtful as the bullying that led to last week? Here it was a day of healing and they were still spreading pain.

I turned around to leave, disgusted, when Heather's voice stopped me. "Yup. I mean, I knew Sean was sleeping with them both, but I didn't realize they _knew_ about each other," Heather declared.

Sean? As in Sean Cameron? Well, throwing objects and driving off angry certainly sounded like the Sean Cameron I knew . . . but sleeping around didn't sound like him at all.

Jody seemed to agree with me. "Are you sure about that? I mean, yeah, he lives with the vampire, so you have to figure they were getting it on. But Emma Nelson? She's _so_ virginal despite her recent makeover."

Heather laughed, although it sounded more like a cackle. "Are you kidding? He saved her life! If that didn't lead to some gratitude sex, well, then I don't know what you have to do to get the frigid little girl into bed. Plus, you should have seen the way he basically ordered her into the car. '_You coming or what?_' He has got her wrapped around his not so little . . ."

I had fought the urge to turn around and give the girls a piece of my mind right up to the frigid reference. By the time Heather was trying to explain what Sean had Emma wrapped around, I had dropped my bag and crossed the steps separating me from the Spirit Squad wannabes.

"Oh, look, Heather, the school slut wants a word with you," Jody said, rolling her overly made up eyes on me.

"You know what? That's getting really old, Jerraldine," I retorted, drawing out the syllables of her full name.

"How did you . . ." her voice trailed away as Heather smirked at her.

"We pulled official records during spirit squad try outs to check if you met the minimum GPA. But let's get one thing straight." I tried to keep my voice level, but all the anger I had stored for days threatened to bubble over. "You both stop spreading vicious rumors and hate around this school. Don't you see what it's led to? If I _ever_ hear you talking about Emma that way . . ."

"You'll what? Tell her Daddy? Get me blocked from his computer lab?" Heather rolled her eyes. "It's only words, Manuella. And unlike your friend, no one's ever tried to kill _me_ over them."

I had one hand wrapped around her hair twisting her head back before she had finished her hateful little sentence. I cocked my right arm to deliver the right hook my brothers had taught me so well, when I felt my arm restrained.

"Manny, stop! Let go of her!" Craig's voice froze me and I let go of Heather's hair, although not before pulling out a few of the pressure golden hairs viciously. I stepped back watching the strands drift out of my hand and onto the floor, before turning a challenging glare towards the girls.

"Control your psycho slut, Manning," Heather spat at me and Craig had to grab both my arms as I leapt towards her again.

"Spread your trash somewhere else, Sinclair. Does it matter to you at all that someone _died_ here just days ago? That Jimmy could have?" Craig sounded so hurt that for a moment all I wanted to do was comfort him and forget about everything else. 'Down that path lies disaster, Manuella,' I told myself.

"Whatever." It wasn't the best walk-off line ever, but you couldn't tell by the way Heather tossed her head and strode down the hall. "Your name is Jerraldine?" I heard her snark at Jody and felt a momentary victory.

It was short-lived as I turned to face Craig. He looked at me disappointed. "You know for all your talk about growing up last year? Starting a fight _today_? That's real mature, Manny." I bit back a retort about maturity and using the term 'rat' this morning.

"She was talking trash about Sean and Emma. After all that they've gone through do you think I'd let that just go?" I shook my head in disbelief as I returned to my messenger bag.

"_Everyone's_ talking about Sean and Emma, if you haven't noticed. You going to beat them all up?" Craig sounded like he was enjoying the idea of me taking on the whole school, and as I looked up I saw that little smile that had melted me so many times before. "It's just words."

"Just words. Like the word 'freak' painted on a locker. Like the word 'loser' taped to someone's back. Like any of the words that could have killed Emma last Friday?" I was crying now despite my best efforts. I hated crying in front of Craig, but it seemed like he was the only person I could cry in front of.

"Manny." His voice sounded tired and apologetic all at once and he pulled me into a hug. I resisted only slightly. "We both know that words weren't the only reason that Rick brought that gun to school." He pulled back slightly and lifted my chin till I was staring up at him. "And we both know that if words alone could break a person, there was no way you would be standing here, strong enough to take on twelve Heather Sinclairs after last year."

I felt, rather than saw him move closer and I knew he was going to try and kiss me. I also knew that I couldn't let it happen. Not now. Not again. I couldn't go through that one more time. I pulled back abruptly. "I . . . gotta go. Find Emma . . . or someone."

As I dashed a way I caught a glimpse of Spinner over Craig's right shoulder. Great. Spin and I had only been out once since he and Paige's break. I don't even know if you could call me meeting him after his shift at the Dot for a milkshake a date, really, but it had been the closest thing I'd had to a good time, since I broke up with JT . . . maybe before that even. It had been guilt free, something I hadn't felt with a boy since . . . well, ever. JT always came with the knowledge I was breaking Liberty's heart. Craig. Don't get me started on Craig. However, knowing about Spinner's jealousy issues I doubt there would be more milkshakes if he thought I wasn't over Craig Manning.

I was halfway to Mr. Simpson's office when Jody and Heather's words stopped me. Emma had left. With Sean, Ellie and Jay apparently, if _any_ of their words could be trusted. Chances are that was not a group outing that had parental approval and I doubt Emma would be more likely to forgive me if I ratted her out to her dad. 'Now who's worried about tattle-telling. Maybe this is one of those times you should go to an adult?' an inner voice reasoned.

For some reason, though, I didn't go tell Mr. Simpson that Emma had ditched. After the past weekend, I trusted Sean and knew that wherever they were going was probably most where Emma needed to be.

I turned the corner to walk home and suddenly found myself in _the_ hallway. The one where Jimmy had been shot. Right in front of his own locker. A mini shrine of sorts had been erected. Signs were taped on his locker door while cards, flowers and even a stuffed bear holding a basketball crowded the floor in front of it. I started to turn, to leave another way, but the sight of Toby crouching in front of it, made me hesitate.

Emma was gone for the day, but she wasn't the only friend I had nearly lost. I flashed back to moments of the Fab Four in Grade 7: JT, Emma, Toby and I. Playing on tire swings or just staring at the sky we were inseparable. What had happened to us?

I approached behind me, wringing my hands, trying to think of the right thing to say. 'Don't repeat this morning with Emma; Say something,' my inner voice commanded.

"I didn't know Jimmy had so many friends," I heard my voice like someone else was speaking. It wasn't the best opening line, but staring at the multitude of cards below, it was true at least. A start.

Toby seemed to sigh in defeat. "Jody Matenko, Heather Sinclair . . ." he gestured with the card he was holding and I pushed my hair from my face trying _not_ to think about how sincere I thought _their_ cards were. "A lot of these are from strangers."

"Really?" I said crouching down. Mostly to keep from saying something I would regret about the two individuals he had named. My anger had no place if I was trying to comfort Tobes.

"People that don't even know Jimmy care about him. My own friends won't talk to me," Toby said, sounding not as if he was sorry for himself, but matter of fact. It made it that much more heartbreaking.

I put my hand on his shoulder, trying to show that I understood. Emma wasn't exactly talking to me right now, either.

He looked at my hand as if surprised anyone was willing to touch him. As if he was contagious for some social disease. "I have to go to Rick's visitation tonight but I can't face his mom."

I smiled. This was exactly the time it paid to have a practical joker as a best friend. JT may not be mature enough to handle a serious relationship, but he had always helped make difficult situations bearable. "What about JT?"

"What about him?" Toby asked looking at me.

I stared ahead. There was no way JT was letting Toby go through this alone. No one could be intentionally that cruel when their best friend was suffering. Although JT had tried to ditch Toby for popularity before, this situation was about more than stupid social status. Or at least, should be. Toby must have misunderstood. I hoped at least.

"JT will come around," I reassured Toby. "But even if he doesn't, I'll go with you tonight."

"Really?" the look on Toby's face was so incredulous it reminded me that maybe I wasn't much better than JT when it came to keeping up old friendships. 'But I will be,' I resolved.

"Really," I repeated firmly. "What time?"

"7 p.m. Kate's driving me at quarter till," he was staring at me as if waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Are you sure?"

"Toby, this is what friends are for. I'll be at your house at quarter to seven," I stood up and grabbed my bag.

To my surprise, he jumped up and hugged me. I hugged him back briefly, before excusing myself from the awkward situation. Toby shouldn't have to doubt that someone would be there for him. It was time I had a little talk with my ex.

I planned on calling him as soon as I got home, but as luck would have it I glimpsed his lanky figure and Danny's 'fro as they exited the school.

"JT!" I called, ducking through the doorway they had just left through.

He turned his head ever so slightly, feigning that he couldn't recognize my voice, before he responded overly politely. "Manny how are you?"

So that's how you want to play it? "I'm alright." I responded in the same cheerful tone, before I descended into lecture. "Better than a certain best friend of yours."

JT stared at me as if his and Toby's friendship was a forbidden secret. "Ex best friend. That was before he joined forces with Hellboy, who I know is a superhero but whatever." I tuned out his ramblings about superheroes and focused on the animosity with which he spit out the prefix "ex." Apparently the shooting hadn't affected JT with the same levels of guilt about friendship.

I tuned back in time to hear Danny's 'oh, so brilliant' analysis. "Toby's a geek. He always has been."

"Okay, you out-geek them all James Tiberius York, but Toby was always there for you." 'And he never references obscure superheroes when I talk to him,' I mentally added.

JT turned to face me as I stopped walking. "Tiberius is a family name alright?"

I ignored that gem of a comeback. "If you hadn't ditched him for Webster here he would have never hooked up with Rick," I couldn't conceal a little of my earlier anger from coming out. Did he not see how _all_ of us were responsible for Rick? Punishing Toby wasn't going to help anyone.

"And you're lecturing me on ditching people. Hmm." JT appeared to contemplate this with a smug look. I didn't regret ditching him; in that moment I regretted we had ever hooked up to _be_ ditched.

I was sorely tempted to slug him as well, but instead I took a long breath. "Now I remember why we broke up. You just can't be the bigger man." I stared at JT trying to will him to grow up by sheer force of my mind, but it was a lost cause. I turned slightly to walk past the geek twins. Maybe Toby was better off finding new friends. It was scary to think that JT was worse at friendship than an attempted murderer. Scarier to think I had ever thought that I could be with someone like that.

I took the long way home, past the old tire swing that we had sat on eating popsicles and playing with squirt guns the summer before Degrassi. The playground I would take Angela to with Emma, hoping her big brother would stop by and I could catch a glimpse of Degrassi's newest hunk. Back then, everything had seemed possible. Now, everything just seemed wasted.

In reality I was just working up the nerve to face my mother again. She wouldn't give up so easily on me leaving Degrassi. I had to have solid reasons if I was going to withstand her. One, Emma needs me. So she had screamed at me and left with Sean, but I was sure once I apologized she would see the need to have her best friend around. Two, I would miss Spinner and boys in general. While Spinner had made me feel better about being myself than any guy had in a while, any chances of a second date, or even an official first date were probably blown by seeing me with Craig. And, thinking back to Craig in general, maybe a school without boys wasn't such a bad thing. Three, Toby needs me.

There. That was the silver bullet. The one thing that I had managed to do right today. Toby was counting on me to be there for him tonight and if JT managed to keep the title of world's biggest jackass perhaps even longer than he would need me at Degrassi to be in his corner.

I glanced at my watch and realized I had dawdled away enough time. I had time now to eat, shower, change and make it to Mrs. Kerwin's. And exactly not enough time to argue with my mother.

As I approached my door, however, the house was strangely quiet. A note was left on the kitchen table. Benito had a basketball game tonight and my family had all gone to cheer him on. There was leftover pancit in the fridge. I heated up the noodles quickly, feeling slightly guilty for being relieved I was the only one home. I ate before going upstairs and trying to find 'funeral suitable' attire. I suppose I should feel grateful that there hasn't been much need for a black wardrobe, but I was mostly annoyed that the only clean black top I could find was zip-up with racing stripes on the sides. At least it wasn't low cut, I reminded myself.

Within an hour I had showered, blow dried my hair and dressed. I scribbled a note on the back of the one my parents' had left earlier, explaining where I had been. They would be angry, but they had my cell number. After last year they had made sure they could find me at all times. I turned the cell phone off thinking of how awkward it would be to have my phone ring during the visitation. It wouldn't help the situation with my parents, but right now was about Toby, not them. I just hoped I would see daylight again after tonight.

It was a short walk to the Kerwins. I stood nervously on the step after ringing the door bell. I tended to avoid coming over to Toby's for reasons that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with . . .

"Ashley!" I gasped as she opened the door. I hadn't seen her at school today and her pajamas indicated that maybe she hadn't been there at all. She looked like she hadn't slept or showered since last Friday.

"What are you doing here?" her voice was filled with venom and surprise.

"I'm here – to see your uh - ," I lost my nerve something about Ashley was always intimidating. Despite how horrible she had been last year it was easy to slip into guilt over the whole thing with Craig. I had been so obsessed with him I hadn't cared who had gotten hurt in the process.

"She's here to see me," Toby appeared over Ashley's shoulder wearing a button down shirt. "Kate's taking us to Rick's visitation."

Ashley opened her mouth as if she was going to insult me and then closed it hard. "You're wearing _that_?" she finally said.

"Umm." If I felt uncomfortable before with my lack of funeral attire, now I felt positively naked.

"KATE! Manny's here," Toby yelled back into the house. "Let's go wait by the car."

I could hear Ashley muttering about Toby's continuing poor choice in friends, but I let it pass. If this was the type of support Toby was receiving at home and JT was ignoring him at school, then he needed to have something that was drama-free. I laughed softly at me, Manuella Santos being the drama free part of anything.

It seemed to remind Toby of my presence as we walked to his almost-step-mother's car. "I didn't think you'd come," he admitted sheepishly.

I reached out and took his hand, squeezing it slightly. "I said I would."

"Thanks." Toby smiled at me, as Mrs. Kerwin came bustling down the drive.

"Okay, ready, kids?" She unlocked the door and we clambered inside. "Seatbelts!"

I liked Kate Kerwin in spite of her daughter. She was so down to earth and supportive. She was the perfect in between of Spike who was cool to the point of major embarrassment and my mom, strict and guilt-trippy.

We drove to the funeral home in silence, well, other than the classical music that dominated Kate's radio station in the car. Mozart and Mrs. Kerwin made sense. Very classy.

"Call when you want to be picked up!" Mrs. Kerwin shouted at us as we climbed out of the car.

I fingered my cell phone in my pocket guiltily. It remained off.

"Sure," Toby agreed, not really paying attention. He was staring at the door of the funeral parlor, looking terrified.

I stood next to him for a moment, letting him collect himself. "So? Are you ready?" I asked, searching his face for confirmation.

"Ready." He repeated sounding anything but.

I led the way into the building without looking back, hoping my feigned confidence would rub off on him.

Signs and a steady stream of people pointed us to a door. Outside was an easel of pictures. In some it was easy to recognize Rick's familiar frame. In others he was a baby. It was easy to feel sorry for him. Easy to forget why we were here. Until you spied the picture of him and Terri. You wouldn't notice the bruise on her cheek if you weren't looking. I recognized the picture as one Paige and Hazel had been passing around at practice one day last year. There was also a picture of Jimmy, Emma, Toby and Rick taken right before 'Whack Your Brain.'

I nudged Toby's elbow to signal I was going inside the room and felt him follow right behind. Mrs. Murray was leaning on her son's casket, staring at a recent photo of him, and I scanned the room, purposefully avoiding looking at the heartbreaking sight.

No matter what Rick had done, it was hard not to sympathize with a mother in pain. The mix of guilt and grief in this particular situation was not something I envied or wanted to discuss.

"I can't do this," Toby said suddenly, stopping.

"It's, it's okay. We can just leave," I told him, turning. The sooner I got out of the somber room, the better.

"Toby!" Mrs. Murray's voice was hoarse from tears and I tried to ignore, to keep Toby moving towards the door by sheer force of will alone. I know I said I would be here for him, but meeting Rick's mother was just too much.

Toby, however, had stopped and I was forced to wait for him, awkward as the situation was. "You came!" Rick's mother said, embracing him, seemingly oblivious to his awkward feelings and how close he had been to _not_ coming. "You were always such a good friend. Such a good friend."

I stood back to give them privacy, my arms crossed waiting, when a voice surprised me to my left.

"Mrs. Murray," JT started. Toby smiled this grateful little smile. "I just wanted to say I'm very sorry for what happened."

"You were a friend of Rick's?" Mrs. Murray clung to his words like a safety blanket. I could see her hoping that maybe, just maybe there was more to her son's life than the tragic way he had left it.

JT shot me a glare, as if to say 'you see what you did,' but was diplomatic in his reply. "It was a tragedy. I'm very sorry."

Mrs. Murray approached him, unable to contain her tears and hugged him. "Thank you." She left without looking at any of us again repeating, "Thank you."

I let out a sigh I didn't know I had been holding. I was unsure which was worse, lying to a grieving woman or admitting her worst fears. Both had an element of cruelty about them and I was just grateful the whole situation was over with.

Toby looked at JT as if unsure what to do next. He was there, but by his tone and his words it wasn't clear why.

"It doesn't matter what I thought of Rick. It still shouldn't have happened," JT attempted to explain.

I wanted to scream at him to apologize, add a corny 'I'm here for you line' or do something more than that. But that isn't the male way.

Toby gave a half-hearted smile, before turning to take a seat for the service.

JT looked at me before making a 'ladies-first' motion with his arms.

I shook my head. "You go. Toby needs you. I was just filling in."

"Manny, about earlier . . ." JT started to explain, but I cut him off.

"This isn't really the place, JT." Nor will there ever be a time and a place where I will feel comfortable explaining where we went wrong. How do you tell your best friend that you never really loved him the way he loved you?

He must have read the resolve in my eyes; we had, after all, known each other since we were four, because he just said, "Right," and went to join Toby in one of the front chairs.

I slipped out the back. My good deed for the day had been accomplished; I had reconciled Toby and JT. Now I needed to try and orchestrate my own best friend reconciliation.

I took out my phone and turned it on. I blanched when I saw there were five messages. Going home would undoubtedly be . . . fun. I pressed and held number two on my cell phone. Emma was still the first speed dial number on my phone even after everything. It just didn't seem right to give away her number.

Now if only I knew what I was going to say. 'Hi, Em, let's be friends again?'

It rang only once before I heard Emma's cheery voice telling me to leave a message. I hung up without doing so. She was avoiding me. She had sent me straight to voice mail. Well, she couldn't avoid me if I apologized in person.

With new resolve I turned so I was walking towards Emma's and not home. My phone rang, but I ignored it. It was either my parents or Benito, yelling at me to come home. Add it to the voice mail collection.

I took several deep breaths as I reached Emma's walk. I was reminded briefly of a time I had jogged over to beg for help, but I pushed those thoughts aside. Some things it was easier not to remember.

I rang the doorbell and it was yanked open before my finger even left the buzzer.

"EM- Manny," Spike's voice had started out frantic, but dropped quickly into worried confusion. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to see Emma. Is she home?" I asked feeling like a guy come to pick up a girl on her first date and also slightly stupid.

Spike looked up at Mr. Simpson who appeared in the doorframe behind her. "Manny, Emma's not home. She's not answering her phone. You don't happen to know where she might be, do you?" he asked, trying to act nonchalant. I could tell both of them were terrified. And I was afraid _my_ parents would never let me out of the house again. How much worse would it be for Emma's parents who had come so close to losing her?

I looked into Spike's face and once again was struck with how lying to mothers is so much worse than regular lies. _Took off in his best friend's car in a squeal of tires. _"I have no idea, Ms. Nelson, I'm sorry."

Spike slumped back into Mr. S. only slightly, but it made her look smaller than normal if that was possible. "I'm going to go make some tea," she murmured disappearing into the house.

Mr. Simpson moved to follow her than turned back to me. "Manny, its dark. Do you need a ride home?"

It was much easier to lie to Mr. Simpson. "No, someone's coming to pick me up. Do you mind if I wait on your porch for him?"

Mr. Simpson smiled and I remembered for a while that it wasn't all that long ago that he was a teenager himself. "Not at all, Manny. I'll see you at school."

He disappeared into the house as well, although not before turning on the porch light.

Now what? I asked myself.

I took my trusty phone out of my pocket and once again dialed a set of familiar numbers. This time the phone was picked up immediately.

"Manny," his voice was gruff, but sent tingles up and down my spine. There were definitely a lot of things to be said for having someone who you could be yourself around without guilt.

"Spinner, I need your help. I'm at Emma's. Could you come give me a ride home?" I tried not to inject too much pleading into my voice, but I was scared at how much I suddenly needed him to be here. "I've had the worst day – I just need to see you."

He laughed, a harsh laugh that didn't suit him. "_You've_ had a bad day."

I suddenly felt selfish and small. "I forgot about Jimmy. Did you get a chance to visit him after school?"

"No!" He rejected the idea forcefully and I put the phone away from my ear for a second.

"Well, we can go tomorrow. I'll go with you. Be your security blanket," I smiled into the phone, imagining cozy scenarios in spite of the horrible situation.

"That's not a good idea, either," Spinner's voice cracked and for a moment I thought he was going to cry. "In fact, I don't think you and me is such a good idea right now at all."

"What?" I whispered, trying to find words. I remembered him catching me in the hall earlier with . . . "If this is about Craig, I'm over him. I want to be with you. I want to help you get over this."

I wasn't sure but it sounded like Spinner _snorted_ at this comment. "It's not about Craig. And _this_? Is not something you can help me get over. I don't _want_ that. I've got to go."

_Click._

And just like that, he was gone. _I don't think you and me is such a good idea right now at all. I don't want that. _The words were stuck on repeat in my head. I don't want you, he might has well have said. It wasn't something I was familiar with. I had ended it with Sully for Craig. I had ended it with Craig when he lied to me about breaking up with Ashley. I had ended it with JT. To be rejected and just when I had thought I had found someone I could have fun with – no strings or drama attached. It hurt. More than I thought it could after such a small amount of time.

I stood up from the Nelson's porch step brushing off my pants. It was cold and if I wanted to get home before curfew I had to move it. As I stood I saw an orange civic, streak in front of the house. Only one person drove an orange car.

Sure enough Emma, stumbled out of the car, quickly. "Emma!" I heard Jay's voice call after her, but he gave up when he saw me standing there and sped down the street. Heather was right in saying his tires squealed.

Emma was on top of me, tears flowing before she noticed I was standing in her walk.

"What are you doing here? Didn't get enough gawking at school?" She demanded.

"Emma, I came to apologize," I said keeping my voice calm.

"Why?" Emma asked, drying her tears with the backs of her palms.

Whatever response I had expected, that one wasn't it. "Excuse me?" I asked, bewildered.

"Why are you apologizing?" She continued matter of factly.

"Emma, when I realized how close we all came to losing you . . . well, the whole Chris thing was a pretty dumb reason to lose your best friend," I explained nervously.

"Oh, I see. Someone tried to shoot me and you feel sorry for me," Emma's voice was still curiously without emotion. "I don't need your pity, Manny. And I don't need your apologies. Especially when they're only motivated by guilt. I don't need you. I have to go." And with that she pushed by me and into her house.

I stood on her walk speechless. I wasn't hurt so much by what she said, but how true it was. How much of my apologizing was what Emma needed to hear right now and how much of it was what I needed to do to assuage my guilt and fear? Maybe she was right. Maybe what she needed was to be left alone.

I walked back home, my head crammed with thoughts about needs, ignoring the cold spreading through my body from both the night air and my dark thoughts. Toby had JT back, he didn't need the pale substitute. Emma didn't want or need my help. Liberty, Ashley, Paige, none of them _needed _me to be at Degrassi.

So what did I need? I needed to stay far away from Craig and the oh-so-sweet temptation of romance that he offered. I needed Spin, although he, too, went in the 'didn't want or need me' column. I needed to stop unintentionally hurting Emma and others I cared about. I needed to be somewhere where I wasn't known as the school slut for sleeping with one boy once. I needed to go somewhere where each hallway and classroom didn't contain a nasty memory. I needed for my parents to trust me again.

Most of all I needed to trust myself again. To trust my decisions and instincts, to trust that I could be loved as I was.

I turned the key in the lock of my house and wasn't surprised to see my parents waiting for me on the couch, neither expression warm.

"Manuella, we need to talk," Daddy said, his voice stern.

"I know." I walked over to the arm chair and sunk down into it. I knew what I needed to do. "I don't want to go back to Degrassi."


End file.
